Put Your Best Face Forward: A Social Media Discussion

Is your social media a chilling documentary, or a public relations puff-piece?

Social media is one of the many ways we can make an impression on people, and as such, it should be consistent with our goals and ambitions.

While some would argue (convincingly) that no social media is the best policy, there are some things to remember for men who are trying to attract and date women, when it comes to social media use--is your Facebook getting in your way?

Transcript

Dan:
Good morning, Charles.

Charles:
Good morning, Dan. It's been a while since we recorded one of these. How you doing?

Dan:
I'm uh, I'm well. I'm well, thanks. How are you?

Charles:
We're both in some different locations than we usually record from. I'll go first. I am at the Rosen Plaza in Orlando. I stay at this hotel for almost a week once a year because a fraternal organization I'm a member of, who is also my largest client, has their convention here every Memorial Day weekend. So I spend six nights here every year. And the rooms are nice. The internet's pretty good. Um, the place to put my tablet for recording is terrible. As you can see, we're about to talk about social media in today's episode. And, uh, here's a quick tip. Whenever you take a picture of yourself to post on social media, the background should not be the ceiling because the, the

Dan:
Yeah

Charles:
most unflattering angle for 99% of us is, is down going up. So if you can see the ceiling in the background,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
you've done something wrong. It should be more like this, if anything,

Dan:
Yeah,

Charles:
but

Dan:
yeah.

Charles:
where the camera is above you looking down, but when it's below you looking up, it's a real chin showcase, which is not flattering for most of us.

Dan:
Oh, that's funny. Yeah, yeah. I am, I'm actually up in New Jersey at my dad's place, just trying to help out, help the family out a little bit and take care of some stuff for the next couple of weeks. So that's why I am recording from the basement. Also from a, you can see the ceiling in my shot as well. So it's probably

Charles:
Little bit, yeah.

Dan:
not the best angle, but yeah. I am enjoying the really cool weather at night though. It's nice. It's a, it drops down to the like the low sixties, high fifties, no humidity, unlike Orlando. And so

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
I've got the window open. I've got the breeze kicking in and waking up in, it's kind of in the mountains up here in New Jersey, Northern New Jersey. So it's,

Charles:
Nice.

Dan:
it's, you know, you get the birds chirping and lots of, lots of animals surrounding, surrounding us and. Yeah, it's nice. A little bit of forest therapy. If you've ever heard of that in Japan for actual patients who have high blood pressure, there's, they do a, it sounds like it's almost like medically prescribed where they will take people with, you know, who are suffering and go out to the forest for a day or two. And you basically just sit in the forest and listen to nature. And it's statistically significant to show that it actually does reduce their, their blood pressure, no medication or anything else like that. And, uh, they call it, I think it's forest therapy or forest immersion, something like that. Um, and it's a pretty fairly common practice in Japan. There's, there's some fancy Japanese word for it that I don't know, but,

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
uh, yeah. Uh, so I'm, I'm getting a little of that and it's nice.

Charles:
Yeah, that does sound nice. I, uh, I've actually scheduled a trip to New Jersey. Um,

Dan:
Why would you do that

Charles:
October,

Dan:
on purpose?

Charles:
October 1st.

Dan:
I have to

Charles:
Well,

Dan:
do it.

Charles:
there is a, uh, there's another mammoth march that I'm going to do.

Dan:
Oh,

Charles:
And

Dan:
okay, cool.

Charles:
the, the one in New Jersey is the only one this year that offers a 30 mile and 12 hours option.

Dan:
30 miles, wow. So we

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
didn't even talk about the last one that fell short of your 20 mile, by the way.

Charles:
I guess

Dan:
I'm pretty

Charles:
not,

Dan:
sure

Charles:
yeah.

Dan:
we didn't talk about that on the podcast.

Charles:
Yeah. So, um, yeah, because of some flooding at the state park where they, where they had it held this year, um, up in Eastern Tennessee, I only got done around 18 miles. Now it's not that I gave up, so I don't feel so bad about it. It's they, they reduced the course for everybody who did it. And so I got 18 miles done instead of 20, um, still pretty tired. It was not nearly, uh, the trail was a little rougher than it was in Florida last year when I did it. Um, But to be honest, I wasn't as tired. It, uh, it was not as hard as on my body the second time as it was the first, even though there was more, uh, elevation and a little bit more sort of, uh, rough wet area. Like I had to walk across a stream at one point and, uh, thankfully my, my Gore-Tex shoes held up. Uh, but I think, I think this was their last trip. So I'm getting ready to, uh, order a new pair of, uh, Merrill. Nova 3 Gore-Tex hiking shoes for the Jersey trip. The Jersey trip will be October 1st, so I'll be prepared for a little brisk weather

Dan:
It will

Charles:
on

Dan:
be,

Charles:
October

Dan:
for

Charles:
1st.

Dan:
sure, yeah.

Charles:
It's gonna be outside of Hackettstown. Is that someplace you know?

Dan:
Uh, yeah, that's right up near me. Uh, yeah.

Charles:
Okay.

Dan:
Yup. Well, do you, do you, so it's, is it actually in Hackett's town or is it a neighboring

Charles:
No, that's

Dan:
town?

Charles:
the it's close. The Hackett's town I believe is where the hotel that I, the really super cheap hotel, no,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
no hostels up in that area. So I have to go with a, a, a

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
bargain basement hotel instead. Uh, let me see where, where the

Dan:
It is

Charles:
actual March is going to be.

Dan:
not a big tourist area, but that's right where I grew up. So not far from

Charles:
Okay.

Dan:
there. I used to go shopping in Hackettstown. Yeah.

Charles:
Oh, is

Dan:
So,

Charles:
that like where you did your back to school shopping?

Dan:
no, we went to, that was the Rockaway Mall. That was a little closer.

Charles:
Oh, okay,

Dan:
But,

Charles:
okay.

Dan:
but. There's a hobby store in Hackettstown. I was really big into remote control cars. And

Charles:
Oh yeah, nice.

Dan:
that's where the one store that had all of the, I mean, it was a monster store. It was great because they had all the different motors. So you could like upgrade the, you get the base package and then you could upgrade the motors on them and the tires and everything else like that. And they had all this stuff along the wall. You can see the different kinds of tires and motors. Yeah, it was really exciting going in there. My neighbor used to race with me and we really got into that for a few years when I was younger. And I enjoyed that. It was fun.

Charles:
I used to enjoy, uh, like reading the magazines about RC cars. I never really had anything fancier than like the Tyco stuff that they sold at Toys R Us. I never

Dan:
Okay.

Charles:
had like a real, a real hobbyist remote controlled car. Uh,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
oh man, I remember when I was a kid and they came out with the remote controlled hovercraft and that blew my mind. And

Dan:
Oh,

Charles:
I really wanted one of those. I never,

Dan:
yeah.

Charles:
one of the, one of the few toys that I, that I really wanted badly as a kid that I never got was the, uh, the radio controlled hovercraft.

Dan:
Yeah, I think I remember seeing that one of the magazines, but it was like ridiculously expensive as as it probably should have been at the time. But

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
yeah, that's that's what what my appetite were those magazines and I'd see the back of them. And I'd be like, Oh, I need this and need this. The problem was, the problem was, they were so fast that you really needed to be almost a surgeon on those remote controls in order to control

Charles:
Oh

Dan:
them

Charles:
yeah.

Dan:
properly. And I mean, before you know it, the thing would flip over and then you just broke, you know, a hundred dollars worth of stuff on, on, on the car. And, you know, as a kid that the a hundred dollars didn't come easy, you know, at that point. So it was a, yeah, it was a little mixed blessing.

Charles:
Yeah, my, uh, my grandfather and I got a, uh, for Christmas one year, I got a remote controlled airplane and it was, um, Backwood remote controlled airplanes were still pretty, pretty crazy expensive, but this was like a lower end one. It was,

Dan:
Mmm.

Charles:
the body was mostly made out of styrofoam and, uh, we flew it once and it got out of range and so that it just circled until it ran out of gas.

Dan:
Oh no.

Charles:
And then It crashed over by a lake and we actually found it and we were able to recover the body and it landed in like some cat tail. So it didn't even hit very hard

Dan:
Oh nice!

Charles:
and we promptly put it back in the box and took it back to the big Walmart and Winter Haven and got our money back and said, this is, this, this hobby is not for us.

Dan:
Yeah, how are you supposed to know when it gets out of range? You know, back then, I mean, I'm sure these days there was some sort of warning indicator, you know,

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
but

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
wow.

Charles:
But,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
and now I think most of people, I mean, unless you're really into aviation specifically, if you're just a hobbyist that wants to fly something, everybody's doing the drones with the four propellers now because

Dan:
Oh

Charles:
there's

Dan:
yeah.

Charles:
so much easier. I mean, you can program them, you can, you can view them and see what they see. And I mean, just, yeah, it's, if

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
I was a kid now, I would not have any time for a remote controlled airplane. I would absolutely, you know, want

Dan:
Oh,

Charles:
to play

Dan:
sure.

Charles:
with the,

Dan:
A drone,

Charles:
with a drone.

Dan:
yeah, yeah.

Charles:
And, uh, yeah,

Dan:
Between

Charles:
we.

Dan:
the cameras you get on that and stuff to be able to, you know,

Charles:
Oh

Dan:
yeah,

Charles:
yeah.

Dan:
that's

Charles:
Now when I was

Dan:
cool

Charles:
a kid,

Dan:
stuff, you know?

Charles:
I was really into a model rocketry when I was a kid. I loved building the little model rockets and shooting them up. And the great thing about those was they were so cheap. If you, if you blew one up or if it, if you couldn't recover it, if it just went bye-bye, I mean, when I was a kid, the kits that they came in were literally like 399, 499, 599 for the kit and you just build it and paint it. And you know, if, if, if you destroy it, you know, no big deal.

Dan:
I like that. I missed out on that.

Charles:
Yeah, model rocketry was a lot of fun. I, uh, I built one, uh, that was called the mean machine and, uh, it was six feet tall and it was essentially just paper towel rolls that you kind of joined together

Dan:
Okay.

Charles:
and, but you did enough of them that it was six feet tall and you put like

Dan:
That's

Charles:
the

Dan:
still

Charles:
biggest

Dan:
impressive.

Charles:
engine in it.

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
It was, it was pretty, it was a lot of fun to shoot off and people, when people were around watching you shoot it off, they really thought something was going on. I, uh, I brought it to school when I was in sixth grade and

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
arranged it with my science teacher and we fired it off in the field outside of the middle school.

Dan:
Why'd you need to get a clearance from NASA for this?

Charles:
I did think about, um, you know, I wonder, I wonder if you put some metal on it or something if, and if you got it high enough, if it would show up on any, you know, the local airport's radar or anything like that. I don't, I don't know if they were

Dan:
Maybe.

Charles:
so light, probably not, but I don't

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
know. It, uh,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
it'd be, they had one that, uh, had three stages where you actually put three of the little, uh, model rocket engines in it. And the bottom would, would after it burned out, it would light the middle one and the middle one would burn out and light the top one.

Dan:
That's

Charles:
And that

Dan:
cool.

Charles:
thing, that thing went like 5,000 feet up. It almost went a mile up.

Dan:
Oh, you'll catch somebody's attention with that.

Charles:
But that one was small. That one's only like two feet tall, but, uh, it, uh, yeah, it would go almost a mile. And

Dan:
Wow.

Charles:
I mean, I would imagine, I would imagine now that, uh, you know, with post nine 11, there's probably people looking for rockets, especially if you're near an airport or anything like that. You probably don't have the freedom with that hobby that you did, you know, 30 years ago, 40

Dan:
for

Charles:
years

Dan:
sure.

Charles:
ago when I was doing

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
it, I guess

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
it would have been about 30 years ago that I was

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
really active. But anyway, um, Yeah. So let's see what else is going on. I'm going to New Jersey a couple of weeks. I'm going, uh, Pacific Northwest for a, uh, another music festival headed out there.

Dan:
Thanks for watching guys.

Charles:
Um, uh, let's see, you and I have, uh, work to do on our studio at your place. When you get back to town,

Dan:
We do.

Charles:
I was looking at the, I think we've got, uh, I want to say seven weeks left until episode 100. And maybe when

Dan:
Oh,

Charles:
you get back to town,

Dan:
let's

Charles:
we'll

Dan:
do it.

Charles:
have enough time to get the studio ready. So our first episode from the studio with video can be number 100.

Dan:
That's the way to do it. All right, man, we've got the goal laid out, so let's get it done.

Charles:
I just got some new stuff delivered and dropped off at, uh, I was at your house yesterday, even though you weren't let myself into deliver a couple of, uh, I bought two, uh, used 17 inch, no 22 inch HD monitors with, uh, with, with stands floor stands

Dan:
Oh,

Charles:
so

Dan:
nice.

Charles:
that, uh, yeah, we'll each be able to have a monitor behind us over

Dan:
whoo

Charles:
our shoulder.

Dan:
schmancy

Charles:
So we can, we can see what's

Dan:
i like

Charles:
being

Dan:
it

Charles:
recorded as we record in real time and, uh, got the cameras, got the, uh, the switcher, got, got all that hardware. And now it's just going to be a matter of furnishing the room and making it look presentable.

Dan:
Yeah, we'll get it done. Let's get me that list and I can start making some purchases or however you want to do it.

Charles:
Yeah, that sounds exciting. I'm looking forward to having that first episode. Maybe we'll record it. We'll put it out live as we record it too, why not?

Dan:
Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it.

Charles:
And yeah, we'll see how that goes. All right. So let's talk about. Using social media to your advantage. And, uh, you know, first of all, I want to say a lot of people can use social media in a lot of different ways. And I'm not telling you any way is right to use social media or anyways, wrong to use social media. I do have some opinions on helpful ways and unhelpful ways to use your social media. Uh, but the first thing I'll say is that your Facebook, your Instagram, Snapchat, whatever you like Twitter, you shouldn't feel obligated for your social media to be a documentary. Um,

Dan:
Hmm

Charles:
this is, this is more, you don't have to record everything in your life as far as quantity and you don't have to record everything in your life as far as your ups and downs. Um, I, I think of it more as a public relations tool than a documentary. And so, you know, one of the, One of the problems with social media that, you know, many experts say makes it so toxic and dangerous is the fact that people only share the good things in their life. And so you look at somebody else's life through social media and you assume everybody has it better than you. And, uh, you know what? Guilty. I do that 100%. I share the fun things and the good things in my life. I don't, you know, if, if I have, if I'm feeling sick or if I get a flat tire, um, I don't have a lot of interest in going on social media and complaining or sharing, you know, Hey, life's not going so good. I'm having trouble with this, that or the other. Um, while a lot of people do, and, uh, you know, I, again, I, I don't, I'm not taking a moral stance to say that's wrong or you shouldn't do that, but I do find in particular when men use social media as a pool for gaining pity. Um, look, if, if you feel like you have to do that and it does make you feel better and you think that that's the way to go, go ahead and do that. However, if you're also a single man who is looking to meet and date women, um, there's going to be a trade off there where, you know, using social media to complain about how tough your life is or how. your work's not going great or you're not getting along with the mother of your children or you know, from your previous relationship or whatever. If you're, if you're using it to vent the things that are not going right. Um, when it comes to the way women who are your acquaintances or your potential love interest feel women who are not already invested in your life, they're not a committed partner. You know, they probably don't want to see or hear about that. And, you know, if, if I'm just your casual friend, I don't really want to see or hear about it either. And,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
you know, I, I'm going to at least have a temptation, if not an outright drive to snooze you for 30 days. So I don't have to get bummed out by what's going on with you.

Dan:
Yeah. Yeah. You know, what's interesting is it's, it's an interesting dynamic when somebody does that online because, it's different than if they actually gave you a call and were upset about the same thing and kind of, you know, complaining and things like that. I I'm just kind of putting myself in the position of if I received the call versus I saw the post on social media to me, by putting it on social, it's, it's. Um, it's, it almost feels inauthentic in a weird way, or that you really are just complaining for the sake of complaining and you really don't want a solution. Um, or that you really don't value, um, the people who are connected with you on social because it's kind of going out to everybody rather than maybe a few trusted friends. So. the way I'm feeling about it initially is that it almost puts a wall up a little bit and separates

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
me from that person, assuming I actually know that person in real life as well, right?

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
Versus if I got a call, I would feel a little bit more compelled to provide support. I would feel a little bit more compassion. I would feel a little more empathy and want to be that support system for that person.

Charles:
Yeah, I mean, I think it's, it's a way that you can share your mental state or share what's bothering you in a way that, you know, only requires sort of faux vulnerability, not real vulnerability, right?

Dan:
That's

Charles:
I mean,

Dan:
a good point, yeah.

Charles:
it's almost the same as, you know, swiping for a matches on Bumble or Tinder. I mean, if you swipe right on somebody and they don't swipe right on you, there's no real rejection that's taken place. You're not being confronted with the fact that they are choosing not to match with you. You just, you don't know what happened

Dan:
Right.

Charles:
where, you know, if, if I'm going through something rough and I posted on social media and Dan just ignores it, I don't feel like Dan has, you know, rejected me. He's just not reacted. Maybe he, maybe he didn't see it. Maybe

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
he saw it and forgot to react or whatever, where if I call you up and say, Hey, Dan, I'm, I'm going through something and I could really use a, an ear to, to lean on or a shoulder to cry on. And you're like, eh, I'm not feeling it. Maybe, uh, call me when you're feeling better. I mean, you know, that would be,

Dan:
Yeah, that's

Charles:
that

Dan:
a

Charles:
would

Dan:
rough.

Charles:
be brutal. That

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
would be really hard.

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
But if I just throw it on social media and I only see the positive reactions and I don't see any of the people who are like, uh, here goes Charles again, complaining about stuff. Then all it feels like to me is, is positive, but, but it's also, and Rob and I discussed this a couple of weeks ago, the the affirmations that you get when you post something, um, difficult on social media and a bunch of people give you the like or the heart or the little hug emoji. It's really just empty calories. It feels like you're getting support, but it's not really support. When, when all your friends have to do is click something on their phone or on their computer to say, Hey, check it in, let you know that I saw this. Um, it's it. It's not really support in any kind of meaningful way. In my opinion, it's, it's something else and it's not something else. It's evil or wrong. And I'm not telling people don't do this anymore, but I am saying, um, you know, there will be potentially unintended consequences and unintended costs from being that open with your social media, where you use it as a, as a venue to showcase your difficulties and you get some, something, some light encouragement when you're going through something tough.

Dan:
You know, and I mean, I can see why people do it because sometimes that light encouragement may be the only thing that they have. Maybe that is one of the few support resources that they have. So even that hug emoji is, is more than they were getting without social media. Maybe they don't have that in real life. And so

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
maybe, maybe that's, that's what they rely on. And that's what can kind of. get them through the day or maybe start a trend where things are, you know, maybe going a little bit better. But like you, but like you said, there are some costs to doing that and to, to relying on that very, you know, fragile form of support versus, you know, making a little bit of effort and seeking out support in other areas, whether that's you know, going out and trying to build, you know, a network of people that can support you, whether that's through meetup groups or, you know, friendships or hobbies that you do and meeting people in real life and, and building that support system that takes time and effort and energy for sure. Um, and I'm not saying that's an easy thing to do, but, uh, you know, I think it's worth the investment cause you're going to get a better quality experience, better quality. and there's going to be less negative consequences by, you know, when you do share the problems you got.

Charles:
Yeah, I, uh, I agree. So I mean, just, you know, guys, just, uh, again, we're not telling you what you're, if you're doing this, you're not doing anything wrong. You're not doing anything you need to stop. But if your goal is also to meet the kind of woman that you'd like to be in a relationship with, just know that, you know, sharing the day to day difficulties that you have on social media could be, could, could play a part in the bigger picture of the way she sees you and what she thinks of you. So let's talk a little bit about the things you should be posting instead. If that's your goal, um, you know, leave behind the things you shouldn't be posting. Um, I mean, it really centers around a discussion of what do most women find attractive and, and how do you demonstrate that using social media? It's very similar to the kinds of pictures and, and things you would put on a dating profile where. Um, for success on, on dating apps, as well as success on social media, in my opinion, you either need to be really good looking, really interesting, or both really good looking and really interesting. And being really good looking is more in your control than you may think that it is, uh, but being really interesting is a hundred percent in your control. You can choose, you can be. boring today and choose to be really, really interesting tomorrow. And all you have to change is the behaviors you engage in on a daily basis. So, uh, I, I reference or I recommend, you know, be, be as good looking as you're capable of being, but definitely be as interesting as you're capable of being and showcase that. So, um, what kind of things does that include? Well, that, that includes doing things that Other people are either afraid of doing or find too unpleasant to do. Um,

Dan:
Mmm. Mmm.

Charles:
but not stupid things. Okay. So for example, what are some of the things that people are afraid of? People are afraid of heights.

Dan:
spiders

Charles:
People are afraid. People are afraid of spiders. So yes, get a lot of pet spiders and the women will be going crazy for you. That's, that's what we're saying. That's the advice.

Dan:
That's how I do it. That's how

Charles:
Uh,

Dan:
I do it.

Charles:
Arachnids, reptiles, I mean, yeah, poisonous snakes,

Dan:
All

Charles:
spiders,

Dan:
the all the

Charles:
absolutely.

Dan:
all the critters all the critters

Charles:
Yeah. So, uh, other than that, uh, I mean, certainly, certainly being photographed with a spider who is not your pet spider, uh, I don't know, you could have mixed opinions on that, but I would say, uh, engaging in things that, uh, would challenge a fear of heights, engaging in things that would challenge a fear of public speaking, um, doing things that, uh, don't look very comfortable such as, you know, hiking, camping, uh, mountain biking. I mean, doing, doing things, you know, going on long, uh, excursions, whether that's fishing trips or just, you know, back country travel, whatever, whatever it is, um, things, things that are, are difficult, but rewarding and things that don't involve sitting on a couch watching TV or playing video games. Um, those are the things that will make you Well, they won't make you look more attractive. They will showcase your actual attractiveness. And I think that's the key. Don't, don't do things just because they'll make you look attractive, do things that you enjoy and things that you find fulfilling and post good pictures of those things, uh, so that you can showcase that part of you. Um, don't

Dan:
Yeah, I think a lot of that comes down to showing you making some sort of physical effort, right? And that it shows that you care about something and you're willing to invest energy into something. So, because people could be passionate about and feel fulfilled by playing video games. I mean, a lot of people do, but that I feel the difference is between that and showing that you're going hiking or camping or... um, you know, doing something else that I think the difference there is the amount of physical effort that's required, uh, in, in doing that. And I think that kind of goes back to our, our ancestors and really in terms of survival and being able to, um, gather resources and provide, uh, all of those things required back then physical effort. Uh, these days, yeah, you can get rich playing video games and provide through, you know, earning the money. and these days, but we're not wired that way. That is not the way our brains are wired. That is not the way our attraction is wired. And I think you're really kind of doing yourself a disservice if you, that's really all you are about, I'll be honest with you, when it comes to attraction to the other opposite sex, right?

Charles:
Yeah, it reminds me of what we were talking about with the run group you've been going to and that Kurt's been doing for a while where.

Dan:
that I haven't been to in two months now. Yes, go ahead, keep going. Ha ha ha ha ha

Charles:
But that's

Dan:
ha

Charles:
the

Dan:
ha.

Charles:
one where, you know, you were, you were commenting on not that you were surprised or taking it back, but you were, you were pleased that everybody that you interacted with seemed to be nice people who had something going on. And, uh, you know, we mentioned the fact that, well, yeah, it's a, it's a self-selected sample of all people who are willing to, after a day of work, usually, uh, get up off the couch and go out and do something instead of just Okay, I put in my eight hours at the factory. Now I'm just going to crash on and turn into a puddle on my sofa and watch TV till I fall asleep. And so just the fact that they've got that energy and they've got that drive to do something at the end of their work day.

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
That already means or they're a kind of person that is going to be interesting and somebody that has something going on.

Dan:
Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Same thing. Uh, if you've ever heard that expression, if you need something done, ask the busiest person, you know, and,

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
and, and that's, that's because that they get stuff done. They are, they are taking things on, they're getting stuff done. Um, so something to, uh, something to think about that's, that's a, it's a, it's interesting, interesting thought there.

Charles:
Yeah, the one of the tools that the author references or one of the purposes that you can use social media for is creating artificial jealousy, which as is the custom in these later chapters, this is something that I don't love the way that he talks about it. And I think there are more helpful ways to describe it. If you are... if a particular woman has caught your eye and you're interested in her, don't create a fake social media life just for the purpose of impressing her and making her jealous because that's almost certainly not going to work. Rather, if you want to maximize your attractiveness to all of the kinds of women that you would be interested in, use your social media to to showcase your social the social aspects of your personality, meaning take pictures with and post pictures of yourself in groups of both men and women doing cool things and having fun together. And if she does have some interest in you and there's any potential for her to feel jealous, even if she's looking at, you know, a cute girl, who's, you know, three or four people down in the group photo of you, then she'll start thinking, Oh, I wonder if he knows her. I wonder, I wonder if what their relationship is. but trying to artificially create that where, you know, you've got a platonic friend who's a good looking girl and you decide, Oh, if I take a picture pose next to her, maybe this other girl that I have a crush on will be jealous, which I've done that myself before. I mean, I, and, and what did it get me? Absolutely nothing. So I would recommend against it. Just go out, have fun, be social, document that fun social life that you have. And if there's a girl that has some mild interest in you, maybe you'll be able to turn it up a notch by showcasing that part of yourself that people generally find attractive. But as far as, you know, creating scenarios and, and fictional scenes to make somebody jealous, it's in my experience, it's a total waste of time.

Dan:
And that might be a short term win, but then if you actually end up dating that person that you've created this fake life for and you don't keep it up, she might be like, hey, where are all these trips? Where are all

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
these things that you were doing that attracted me? They

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
don't exist. And it's like, okay, or they're completely different. And so now, you know. And it's, you know, I think the same thing kind of happens with, you know, with money. And we talked about this too, is if you're attracting somebody with money, then the money goes away. The traction and the relationship goes away as well. Right. So whatever you attract them with, uh, you kind of really need to kind of keep them with as well. So, uh, it really should be your, your actual authentic self, uh, because that's, that's always going to be there.

Charles:
Yeah. And I would say, um, and also, you know, keep in mind the, the volume of content that you post on social media. Um, I, I probably go a little too far on posting too many things on social media. But again, my, my goals right now are not to seem as attractive as possible to potential mates. Um, I, I also post things that are I'm sure that the author of this book would consider too cute or too silly

Dan:
Mmm.

Charles:
to, uh, to post, to optimize my chances for, for generating attraction. But, you know, I don't really care because I post what I want to post and my goals are, you know, to share the things with the people that I'm connected to that I find interesting and I think they would find funny or interesting as well. Whereas if my goal was, you know, solely, you know, I'm a single guy and I'm out there to go on as many dates so that I can meet the perfect girl, then I would probably change my strategy from what it is right now. But I'm comfortable with the way I use social media at this point, and it's meeting my goals right now.

Dan:
Yeah, I mean, it really comes down to a marketing concept. Like who is your avatar? Who is your ideal client? Who is the audience that you are creating content for, right? And if you are a single guy, then it's gonna be mostly an audience. Most likely a lot of that audience is gonna be people that are fairly known as like a cold audience or a slightly

Charles:
Hmm.

Dan:
warm audience where either they don't know you at all or they only know you a little bit. And so the nature of the... content that you're putting out, if you're marketing yourself to them is going to be different than the people who, if let's say, you know, what, like your situation, you are marketing people who know you fairly well. So the, the content that you're putting out is more your authentic self, the things that you really enjoy regard, and it's not, it doesn't need to look, you know, polished and like some sort of, you know, uh, way where you are, uh, building the ultimate level of attraction, um,

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
because we already, we already have a familiarity with you. We already like you. You don't need to kind of prove anything or, or build anything. It's more, Hey, you know, what are you up to? And I just did this cool thing. So I think, you know, in this, in this sense is, you know, what kind of relationship do you have with the people that you are trying to. post-

Charles:
Right. Yeah. No, I, yeah, exactly. And, you know, I, I would say even, even if you are trying to attract people, um, it's important to do that in an authentic way, because like, like you just said, Dan, if, if you attract somebody with a fake persona, then how long are you going to be able to keep that up once you get the person

Dan:
Mm.

Charles:
that you're, that you're interested in? Um, but you know, you can also, you can be authentic and you can also choose to Emphasize certain aspects of your personality with your posting without without being a fraud or without being fake I mean if you're looking to attract women then you know spend your time posting things that Sort of verify that you are strong masculine social Those those things that people find that women find valuable and spend a little less time Sharing the fact of how quirky you are or you know how? how weird, the weird things that you're into, things like that. So yeah, you can definitely sort of point the spotlight where you want it to, but still shine it on pieces of you that actually exist.

Dan:
Yep, that's a good way of putting it.

Charles:
All right, let's see, there was one other thing I wanted to talk about from this chapter. It's a relatively short one and I didn't want to spend too much time. Um, I, yeah, I didn't want to say, yeah, careful with the, um, and careful with the posting something every day. Uh, one, one thing I find to be unappealing to me personally is. any post that can be considered a thirst trap, whether that's made by a man or a woman, where it's clear like, you know, you're seeking attention. by trying to showcase how attractive you are. Like I've got one acquaintance, person I'm connected with on social media, friend would probably be too strong a term. And he posts a video of himself working out in the gym every day. And it is, it's a lot to. Yeah. And this is not somebody who has the, he does not have the body of a competitive bodybuilder.

Dan:
So even if he did, what is the text or the, the, you know, his caption, I mean, is it just a video of him and nothing else

Charles:
It's usually

Dan:
or.

Charles:
some sort of inspirational quote. That's a very cliche inspirational quote. And you know, if you're hearing this and you assume that I'm talking about you, I probably am. So get it

Dan:
So

Charles:
together.

Dan:
let me ask you, I mean, is he some sort of trainer or coach where he's trying to garner business by motivating people to do

Charles:
No,

Dan:
these things?

Charles:
definitely

Dan:
Okay,

Charles:
not.

Dan:
okay, so then interesting.

Charles:
I believe this is just an effort to... For me, what it looks like is, it's very important for me that you see me this way. So I'm only going to post this stuff.

Dan:
Got it.

Charles:
And

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
yeah, and it's. Yeah, it does. I don't know what it is specifically that has me turned off by it. That could be my issue, my problem, my whatever. But when I when I see it, like, okay, it's, you know, eight o'clock, it's time for another video of him working out. It's just like, man, I, I don't know what you're going for. But I feel like this is almost certainly not getting it. And, you know, and then I'll look at the video and from yesterday or a week ago, it's like they've got three likes, four likes. I mean, so it's not really, it's not catching on like fire that I assume he would like it to be, but he's still, you know, consistency is key when it comes to marketing, but you know, what's the product and what's the audience is my question.

Dan:
Right, and you know, usually the good marketing solves a problem or does something for the consumer, for your audience.

Charles:
Right?

Dan:
And, you know, in that respect, you know, you're really not doing much other than, you know, if it's a cliche quote, everybody's probably heard it before, you're not really, you know, you're not really providing any value. to the people who are looking at your stuff. And versus, you know, when the few times that I post and I know that when you post, usually it's, you know, you're providing some sort of chuckle, it's some sort of, it's funny or interesting in some way, there's some sort of stimulation, you're providing somebody who's looking at the post. And I think a

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
lot of us, you know,

Charles:
Hopefully, yeah.

Dan:
most people, I think, you know, try to, you know, keep that in mind. Whereas if you're doing the same thing all the time, especially like you do, you know, your gym workout once in a while. but mix that in with something else, you know, because at that point, once you've seen it once or twice, what kind of value are you providing? Unless you, again, go into details like, you know, this is an issue that a lot of people have when they do this type of exercise. Now you are potentially solving a problem or an issue for somebody, right? And then you

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
gotta give some value in that respect. And a lot of, you know, online fitness professionals will do that, you know? And I think that's fine, but just, you know, recording yourself and then, you know. stealing a, an inspirational quote.

Charles:
Yeah, the I remember the other thing I wanted to talk about with social media use is. When men have a, I guess you could call it a dating strategy, but that seems like a real overestimation of both the effort and the effectiveness. Um, don't if you, if there's a girl you're interested in and you follow her on Instagram or Facebook or whatever. Don't believe that you are going to find yourself in a relationship with her by liking all of her pictures. or or liking her pictures and then commenting the fire emoji.

Dan:
Why not?

Charles:
I mean, here's the thing. If, if the, if the woman, I was going to say if the woman that you're interested in is attractive, but really if the woman you're interested in is just clearly a woman on social media, she's going to get enough guys just liking her stuff because they're men and she's a woman and enough people misunderstand the value and the commute and the message of liking someone's picture. that yeah, you are not going to set yourself apart from the crowd by just liking all of her pictures or even liking some of her pictures. I mean, if you see something that she posts that you legitimately like, then go ahead, like it. It's not complicated, but the idea that every time she posts a selfie or a picture of herself and you go through and you like all of them and you think that somehow that is a... low investment, low potential rejection way for you to express your interest in her, that is not, you are not expressing your interest in her. Or at least not in any way that she's going to find compelling or attractive. And that's, you know, I think I've mentioned before, I like to pop in on some of the relationship and dating subreddits and offer opinions and advice to people.

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
And the biggest thing I find myself telling guys all the time is, whatever way you choose to communicate your interest to a woman, the lower your risk of rejection in the method that you choose, the less attractive it's going to be and the less impactful it's going to be. When you pick ways to communicate your interest in ways that mitigate or minimize your potential rejection, it also minimizes your potential attractiveness to the woman. The

Dan:
Why that's that's I totally agree. Why do you think that is? What's going on there on a subconscious level?

Charles:
I think what you're communicating is if I tell you that I like you and you say no, I either won't be able to handle that or I won't have other options. And so I need to soften the potential blow of your rejection as much as possible because if I directly come out and tell you, hey, I'd like to get to know you better, will you join me for a coffee after work? And you say, no, thank you. I'm not interested. I won't be able to handle that. So I have to, I have to pass you a note or I have to ask my friend to tell you that I like you or something like that, because just walking up to you and telling you what's on my mind, uh, might result in you telling me what's on your mind. And if it's not the thing I want to be on your mind, I won't be able to handle that. So, um, let me come up with some strategy where I can protect myself. Number one is protect myself. Number a distant number two is let you know that I'm interested.

Dan:
Yeah, you know, and then I think on a subconscious level, it also shows how much difficulty and I guess you can handle from life, from other things. If you are scared of a basic conversation with a woman, what else are you scared of? What kinds of things are you going to be able to provide an ad to this woman's life versus the other way around where you come across passive aggressive and you're, you're meek and you're timid about it. Now you're almost a burden. If that woman were to get with you in some sort of relationship and you were to, you know, explore a life together, to me, it would, I would feel like this person's a burden. Why would I want to, this is not

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
adding to my life. This is taking away from my life. And I know that goes way down a rabbit hole, but I feel like on a subconscious level, all of those things are being communicated. You are somebody who is then needy and not going to add anything. You are going to be a burden to somebody else. And, uh,

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
I know that's not, you know, and again, look, I'm not saying that you, you know, you always have, you know, the dynamic relationship is you, it's not a give and take and you don't get support from the person, but you don't want to lead with that.

Charles:
Yeah, I mean, we are, you know, we're, we're running 10,000 year old hardware, software and firmware. And, you know, even though our society isn't the way that it used to be, our, our bodies and our brains are pretty much exactly the way they used to be in, in some very important areas. And, uh, yeah, if, if, if you communicate to a woman, I can't handle you saying no thanks to coffee after work, then how, how does she think I'm going to be able to handle it when the barbarians are at the gates, you know?

Dan:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Charles:
So, um, yeah, that's, that's the biggest thing I would recommend. You know, don't, don't use indirect methods to try to express your interest because either they won't get that that's what you're doing or they will get that that's what you're doing and it will make you less attractive and turn them off and some other guy who is willing to just flat out, you know, send them a DM on their Instagram and say, you know, Hey, this This picture interested me. I'd like to find out more about it. Can I buy you coffee after work tomorrow? Um, that, that is, there's a higher potential for rejection there. So the fact that that guy is willing to take that step makes him more attractive.

Dan:
For sure.

Charles:
Okay. I think that pretty much covers the, uh, the big ones that I wanted to cover on, uh, on social media next, uh, next week, we're going to talk about texting and calling and, uh, the advice that this author gives in most of the realm of texting and calling I do agree with,

Dan:
Hmm

Charles:
which is, um, yeah, I'll just, a quick preview, don't text and call too much. Uh, because the more information you give away through texts and calls, the less excited people are going to be to spend time with you physically in person and physically and in person is where the magic happens, not over text conversations.

Dan:
Absolutely. I've made that mistake myself with matching

Charles:
Me

Dan:
with

Charles:
too.

Dan:
people online. And

Charles:
Yep.

Dan:
I've, I've had, I've given way too much information. And then when it comes time for a meet, uh, I, you know, I get ghosted and it's just like, okay, uh, I guess, I don't know, maybe again, I don't know exactly what it was, but it seems like the more I communicate, you know, through the messaging app or through texting, um, or the phone, the less likely, uh, they are to want to meet up.

Charles:
Yeah. And, and if that meetup does happen, I mean, look, you know, and I've done it too. I can come up with, you know, topics for small talk, but you know, if, if you know my life story and a lot about what I'm interested in stuff like that, then there's no mystery for that first date. And that, you know, that mystery creates tension and that tension is what creates the anticipation of, I'd like to see this guy again. And yeah, if you, if you hand all that stuff over with little blue bubbles on your phone, then it's not going to be as exciting to spend time with you in person.

Dan:
I agree.

Charles:
All right, cool. So that's what we will we will get into on our next episode and I will chat with you later, Dan.

Dan:
All right. Have a good one. Talk to you later. Bye.