Why She Might Not Appreciate Your "Acts of Service"

Episode Title: Why She Might Not Appreciate Your "Acts of Service"

Episode Description
In this episode of "The Mindfully Masculine Podcast," Charles and Dan delve into the fourth love language from Gary Chapman’s "The 5 Love Languages for Men" - Acts of Service. They share their personal insights, discuss traditional gender roles, and provide practical advice on how men can effectively implement acts of service to strengthen their relationships. Listen to learn actionable tips on how to make your partner feel loved and appreciated through meaningful actions.

Introduction
Charles and Dan discuss their hectic recent experiences and the importance of returning to a weekly episode schedule. They give an overview of this week’s topic: Acts of Service from "The 5 Love Languages for Men."

Acts of Service Defined
Understanding the concept of acts of service as a love language and how acts of service can strengthen relationships.

Personal Experiences and Insights
Charles shares his experience with replacing an RV air conditioner and the importance of certain daily essentials. They discuss traditional gender roles and their impact on relationships and the importance of maintaining competency in household tasks to avoid being perceived as a dependent partner.

Challenges and Misconceptions
Differentiating between routine responsibilities and genuine acts of service, the danger of becoming too dependent on your partner for basic tasks, and the importance of discussing and agreeing on shared responsibilities.

Practical Tips for Acts of Service
Emphasizing the importance of proactive communication with your partner. Creating a "honey-do" list and prioritizing tasks that matter most to your partner. Starting with small, manageable tasks to build momentum and the role of attitude, discipline, and dedication in performing acts of service.

Acts of Service and Modern Relationships
Discussing the balance between traditional roles and modern expectations. Addressing common complaints and finding sustainable solutions. Leveraging community and social circles for support and skill-sharing.

Listener Engagement
Encouragement to listeners to share feedback and personal experiences. Call to action: Subscribe to the podcast on your favorite apps and watch full video episodes on YouTube.

Conclusion
Preview of the next episode on the love language of Physical Touch. Closing remarks and thank you to the listeners.

Keywords:
Acts of Service, Love Languages, Gary Chapman, Relationship Advice, Men's Roles, Traditional Gender Roles, Household Responsibilities, Relationship Strengthening, Modern Relationships, Mindfully Masculine Podcast

Transcript

Charles: 0:00

Welcome to the Mindfully Masculine Podcast. This is Charles. Okay, so this podcast has not switched to every other week, at least not deliberately. It's just worked out that way by accident. The last few episodes because of just some unexpected chaos that is now under control and we will be back with new episodes every Monday. In this week's episode, Dan and I continue to discuss the five love languages for men and we're on the language of acts of service this week and, uh, we have some, as usual, opinions that uh differ from the authors, as well as perhaps some of the conventional wisdom. So please, uh, give us some feedback. Uh, let us know what you think of our conclusions. Please give us some feedback. Let us know what you think of our conclusions. You can subscribe to the podcast on all of your favorite podcast apps, and you can also watch our full video episodes on YouTube. Thanks and enjoy.

Dan: 0:58

Good morning Charles. How are you?

Charles: 1:01

Man, it's been some 24 hours.

Dan: 1:03

How are you? I'm well.

Charles: 1:16

It does not sound like my 24 hours were the same as your 24 hours. Buy a new air conditioner, which I can't be too sore about that. My RV is nine years old and it's had the same. I replaced the fan motor in it a few years ago for four or 500 bucks, but other than that, same equipment has been on the thing for nine years and sometimes people get longer than that. Very often they don't get that long.

Dan: 1:41

Really I didn't know the lifespan of a AC unit on an RV was so short.

Charles: 1:46

Yeah, I think, compared to yeah it's. In some ways it's. It's not like a house AC and it's not exactly like a car AC. It's in the middle, okay, and I think most people who wouldn't drive a car and I run the AC almost all the time because of my cat that's a good point, and so the number of hours that it spends cooling the place and being in there full time, it's a lot. So now I've got to replace it and the good thing is in my RV, where I think yours is probably ducted, mine is not ducted, so mine just comes out of the one ceiling thing and that's it. So it's pretty much just one big piece that comes in one big box and then you replace that and you replaced everything. Oh, so that's something you feel comfortable doing yourself. Nope, I am going to pay. Uh, I had a guy out yesterday who I've used before.

Dan: 2:35

You're using that every day to say certain things that I just don't skimp on. One of them is bedding. Another one will be an air conditioning unit. I upgraded mine. I went for the more expensive one, absolutely Something you're using every day and for such a foundation of health, because that AC unit contributes to your sleep quality as well Air quality.

Charles: 2:55

It'll be better at drawing humidity out of the camper. Yeah, it's funny when I made the switch to minimalism and made the switch to RV life full-time, I always tell people the most valuable thing I learned about myself is that I can be content with a good mattress, a good air conditioner and a good internet connection.

Dan: 3:12

If I have those three things, I can be very happy Over it good computer, laptop or desktop, whatever that might be that I think you also need.

Charles: 3:22

Yeah, that's up there on the list. I might put a recent phone on the list too. Good point.

Dan: 3:27

Right, yeah, but again you were using every single day.

Charles: 3:31

Yeah, for for so many reasons for fun, for work, for communicating with my friends and relationships yeah, so those are the things I can't really skimp on. Yeah, so that's where I'm at the it's going to be a nice chunk of change to to do the upgrade, and I wasn't counting on making that investment quote unquote right now. But sometimes you just you don't have a choice. You got to. Stuff like that comes up. You got to address it and then figure out how to make it work with your budget. Yeah, yeah. And then I spilled coffee on our board and our well, the whole table, but also the board your laptop well, the whole table, but also the board, your laptop, all the things right as I talk about record right?

Charles: 4:08

yeah, all these important things.

Dan: 4:08

I missed my phone, so let's not go for me. Just like everything else in life, it's not what you do, it's how you recover, and you know what you can't even so far knock on wood. Uh, everything looks like it's back to normal, so great job?

Charles: 4:20

I don't think. Yeah, I don't think it was. It was a surprising quantity. My coffee mug has this very little tiny. It's basically a sippy cup for grown-ups. It's got this one little hole in it, but when it went over it was like a black hole sucked all the coffee out of that little hole. It just threw it all over the desk.

Dan: 4:38

Sometimes the studio does feel and look like a black hole, so I can see.

Charles: 4:41

Maybe some yeah. So we seemingly recovered and now, now I'm ready to get angry at this book after being angry at everything else. Okay, so we're continuing to go through the five love languages for men. This is love language number four, which is acts of service. Have you been with somebody whose primary language you think, or they, tested and was acts of service?

Dan: 5:01

not tested, but looking back at all of the relationships that I've been in, the ones where I've been not I want to say happiest, but basically most at ease, have been growing up with my parents, and in terms of that's how I interpreted care and love and my family, and so I did the test and I came out as acts of service. So it all lines up. So, yeah, quite a bit.

Charles: 5:37

Yeah, I keep promising to finish the full version of that test and I haven't done it yet. Maybe between this episode and the recording of the next one I'll do that. But I did look up. Some of this stuff in this chapter hits me a little weird and we'll talk about that. Yeah, I did find out. This book was originally this version for men was written in 1992.

Dan: 5:56

Oh, that early. Wow, the copyright's 2015. Yeah, I imagine they A couple updates.

Charles: 6:01

Yeah, probably do. A couple of base to reference the internet in some way Felt timely. A couple of pictures of the iPhones in there, exactly. But yeah, gary Chapman wrote this version in 92, when he was 54. He's now 86 years old. Wow, this guy's getting up there, and I looked up a little of his education history. So he went to wake forest somewhere else and then he got his phd from the baptist theological seminary his, but his bachelor's and master's degree is in anthropology interest. Yeah, and then yeah, and he got his phd. I don't know, I don't remember what his phd was in, but he got that at baptist theological that's got to be an interesting conflict, I would think.

Dan: 6:42

Going studying anthropology and being very religious yeah, into a baptist university.

Charles: 6:48

Yeah, there's a few things that don't jive between those two areas agree, I would think yeah, I think, if you were to ask him about some of the more conservative, fundamentalist views of anthropology that people who are very strictly into the bible he must disagree with a lot of those things. I don't know that it's profitable for him to air those disagreements or expose them to his audience. But yeah, it's hard to believe, you get a bachelor's and a master's in anthropology Even I think Wake Forest is maybe a Methodist university, but it's not. You don't go there to just to become a Methodist minister. That's a big school with a very diverse campus of all kinds of different people, and so I doubt that the anthropology that they're teaching is the kind of stuff that you would hear at like the Bible college I went to. You know what I mean, yeah, yeah. But it looks like pastoral counseling has been his vocation for 40 plus years. He's been married for 45 plus years and he's been a pastoral counseling has been his vocation for 40 plus years. He's been married for 45 plus years and, all right, he's, he's been a pastoral counselor, and that seems pretty clear to me in in reading some of this chapter.

Charles: 7:53

So this one opens up with a story of a guy who is performing some acts of service for his wife. At least he thinks he's doing that, and so does the author. He's cleaning the bathroom for his wife and he's having the thought of boy, if the guys on the rugby team or my old man could see me now I've got these gloves on and I'm cleaning a bathroom, that'd be crazy. And here's where we really get into the meat of the problem I have with this guy's view of acts of service, and I'm going to definitely veer off from the way he sees this, and I don't know that anybody who hears this or has spoken on this topic agrees with me. But here's where I'm coming from.

Charles: 8:36

If you are doing something for your wife that you would be doing for yourself if she did not exist, it's not an act of service. Okay. If you're cleaning the bathroom, if you're cleaning up the yourself if she did not exist, it's not an act of service. Okay. If you're cleaning the bathroom. If you're cleaning up the kitchen after you make a meal, right If you're. If you're doing anything that you would be doing for yourself if you lived alone and the thing that you're doing benefits you as a person who lives in this space and it benefits your wife, it's not an act of service, it's just you taking care of your environment.

Dan: 9:03

Yeah. So let me ask you a question how do you feel about it if you have had to talk with your partner and said okay, look, these are the things that I'm going to be responsible for. There's chores around the house and these are the things that I'm always going to be doing. And so if you are going to take one of those things that she always does off of her plate, do you still feel like that's not an act of service?

Charles: 9:26

No, I would say one thing that he does say that I do agree with is, essentially what is an act of service or what is not an act of service for your wife is determined by your wife. So if she decides you guys talk about it and she decides that it is 100% my job, my duty, whatever to clean the the bathroom and then you clean the bathroom for her, then she may see that as right.

Charles: 9:51

May is being the key word here, too, that still might not be, but see, I gotta say, though, this is where I think a lot of guys who are attracted to traditional gender roles in their relationships can hurt themselves when. Look, if you have the attitude and I have no problem with this if you have the attitude the discussion with your wife and you're both on the same page of listen. It's my job to go out and earn the money, and it's your job to stay at home with the kids and do the housework, and that works for both of you. Great, I'm happy for you. I think that's awesome.

Charles: 10:27

Number one I think one of the problems we run into is and I certainly have this my grandmother who raised me did not work out of the house, she just worked in the house, and my grandfather was the one who went out and did the work and brought home the money. So I grew up with that expectation of the guy goes out, earns the money and the woman takes care of the house. And then I brought that into a marriage where I also expected my wife to have a job, but then still do all those things to take care of me. Oh, that's tough ask. Yeah, it's unfair, and especially when it's a covert contract and, you know, lay out hey, I expect you to bring some money into this house so that we can have the lifestyle we want and, by the way, it's also your job to take care of me. So, getting back to what I was originally going to say is where I think guys can run into trouble with. That is, even if your wife is a stay at home wife or a stay at home mom and her tasks around keeping your house going.

Charles: 11:22

It gets to the point where she does that so much that you become incompetent at the kinds of things that you have to do on your own. If you live by yourself, it feels to me nearly impossible to prevent her from starting to look at you like a child instead of a romantic partner. If you literally can't cook a meal for yourself, you can't launder and iron your clothes in the right way, and you are absolutely dependent on her doing these household chores for you, then again, man, I just going out and you're earning the money and it's hitting your direct deposit and good for you. That's great. But you base your lethargy and your complacence gets to, gets you to the point where you can't survive on your own. You don't know what the name of the bank is, where your money is. You're not able to take care of your clothes and feed yourself and, man, she is going to start looking at you like a big kid and women don't want to have sex with their kids.

Dan: 12:25

Yeah, I think that's a big issue A lot of us have fallen into. I speak for myself as well where you become. I can't say I've been dependent on anybody ever, but you maybe rely a little too much on somebody else to do those things. So I think the key to making that relationship healthy and keeping it healthy is practice those things. Maybe you don't do it on a regular basis, where you're not always so, if she's agreed to do the cooking and the cleaning, that's she's doing that, but every once in a while you keep up your practice right so that and if anything, it's a nice little surprise it adds a little benefit to the relationship by you taking over those tasks once in a while. It benefits you and I think it also benefits the relationship, takes some of the burden off of her.

Charles: 13:13

Yeah, and if you've spent some time as a single man taking care of yourself, cooking your own meals, there are probably going to be a few dishes, for example, that you enjoy cooking for yourself. Yeah, and you probably feel like maybe you're a little better at making this one particular thing, maybe your wife's not as good at going out and grilling a steak as you are. Then keep those skills alive and keep those skills active and you and your wife can benefit from you doing that. It's counterintuitive to think if I run all the money but hand over the household chores to my wife, then she's going to appreciate that that's what she wants. And for a lot of women, yes, that's true, but again, women want to be wanted and desired. They don't want to be needed and required.

Dan: 13:50

Well, yeah, Especially if you have children, they are needed and required by quite a bit. So the last thing they want is a third you don't want to move it.

Charles: 13:57

I don't want to move into that category just as an act of complacency. Yeah, that's cool, because that will kill the attraction.

Dan: 14:04

Again you're becoming, yeah, you're adding burden instead of benefit.

Charles: 14:07

Yeah, exactly, and that will absolutely have an impact on how attractive she finds you. And the less attractive she finds you then, the less she's going to be filling your love tank. Just be mindful of the pitfalls, of those hard lines between quote-unquote men's work and women's work. And if you're dedicated to holding those lines to the point where boy, this, I'm looking around, this is pretty easy. She takes care of all this stuff and I can just go and bust my butt at work all day and then come home and everything's just taken care of for me. It's like relationships are work too.

Charles: 14:37

Yeah, it's okay until and then something happens where you have to take care of yourself and oh, I don't know how the new washer works, I don't know how the new iron works, I don't know how the new dishwasher works. She never we installed it and I never learned, and now I can't use it. And yet your attractiveness will take a nosedive in those situations. Yeah, in the case of this guy where it's like, oh, the guys on my rugby team can see me now, or if my old man can see me now, it's look, there's. There does seem to be some resentment that grows in the heart of women when they have to take care of a man who's unable to take care of himself.

Dan: 15:09

So I've got an interesting question for you as it pertains to this.

Dan: 15:11

So let's say we're like most people, I think we're in the position where we have let some of our basic maintenance skills go to the wayside, right? So, whether that's cooking or cleaning, or how to use certain appliances or things in a household, what do you think it would do to the relationship if you came to your wife and said, hey, could you teach me how to use this, that or whatever that is, versus you trying to figure it out on your own and just taking the initiative and the leadership and the sense of being independent and trying to do it on your own, where it could actually take you a lot longer, versus working with your wife. So I'm just curious your thought on would that strengthen the relationship or would that potentially have some negative consequences where she'd be like oh wow, you need help on this, and maybe she didn't realize you didn't know how to do these things and now maybe it's an issue for her. She's lost a little respect for you. Just curious, where do you fall on that? How would you approach it?

Charles: 16:16

Yeah, so that's a great question. A couple of things came to mind as you were asking. That one is it depends on the woman. Some women will respond to that differently. Some will have the attitude of nobody showed me why do you need me to show you, and some will be very happy about it. The worst case scenario, I would say, is going to your wife asking her to help you figure out how to do some of those things and then proceeding to never do them again after you ask her to demonstrate for you what's you know, what's the way to, how do I use the new bread maker and then you never once in the rest of your life make her a loaf of bread after she takes the time to show you.

Charles: 16:52

Yeah, and that comes down to a lot of the stuff with this book. It's man, don't go to the effort to get your wife to take, or your partner take, this test and then take no action on it. Like when I worked for a certain very large tech company that you and I met through, my immediate supervisor was like I'd like your help in putting together a survey so we can figure out what it is that people really like about their job and really dislike about their job. Yeah, and the first thing I told her was, if you put this out there and then you don't make any changes based on the feedback you get, you're better off not doing the survey in the first place. And sure enough.

Charles: 17:26

What did they do? They did the survey and then they took and everybody had the main complaint was the same complaint across the board for everybody. It's not like they had a lot to choose from and then nobody, and then nothing was done to fix to address that complaint that everybody had. And I and it was like I'm not going to you, don't accelerate your career by telling your boss. I told you so, but I told you so. It's like I said, if you're going to ask this and you're going to get the feedback and then you're going to do nothing to change what is bothering people, it would be better to never ask in the first place.

Dan: 17:55

So did she or he tell you that, yes, they were going to do something and they didn't? Or they're like no we.

Charles: 18:01

Our intention is to address whatever problems we find, which you know. What else are they going to say? They're not going to say, yeah, our plaintiff's to ask people what's bothering them, but we're not going to do anything about it. She's never. That's right. Nobody's ever going to say. Nobody's going to say that. The answer is always going to be of course, we're going to take the feedback seriously, but again, with this thing, man, if that's, if you go down the road of, I want to learn my wife's love language. I want her to tell me what fills her love tank, and then we'll get into initiative. That's part of this chapter specifically is you've got to take action based on what you find. Yeah, this guy is his. His attitude was the things I'm already doing for you are acts of service, so you should appreciate them. And the things he lists, like putting gas in the car, taking out the trash, bringing home the income that should be, that should count as my act of service. Again, you'd be doing all this if you live by yourself right.

Dan: 18:45

Yeah, now I've fallen into that trap where I've been doing acts of service for them and not where it's a shared duty that should be taken care of anyway. But I've doing. I've done the nice guy thing where I've not wanted to have the uncomfortable conversation to ask her hey, what kinds of things, mean things are meaningful to you? Yeah, and I've just made assumptions. Oh yeah, I'm going to do this because I think she'll like it and then, when she doesn't, I get disappointed. But why should I? Because I never asked her, like she never. These are her ideas, and so I may have been speaking that love language, but not in a specific enough way that's meaningful to her and he talks about that as well.

Charles: 19:26

Yes, and that brings us back around to something you and I talk about frequently on this show and I talk about frequently in my men's group and generally whenever I'm talking to anybody about relationships. It comes down to the somewhat confusing definition of caretaking versus taking care. And with caretaking, you're giving people what you need to give them to feel what you need to feel. And with taking care, you're giving people what you need to give them to feel what you need to feel. And with taking care, you're giving people what they need from you so that they can feel what they need to feel. And yeah, so many look.

Charles: 19:53

Acts of service is a tough one for me because for the most part, I hate physical labor. I don't like it, I don't enjoy it, I don't like doing things. I certainly don't like doing things when it's hot or uncomfortable or inconvenient, and so in most cases, if I can save myself enough money and it's something I enjoy, then I'll try to do it myself. For the most part, I like shining my shoes and I like detailing my car, and that's about the end of the list of manual labor that I get anything out that I get enough out of that. I prefer to do it than let somebody else do it for me.

Charles: 20:22

So, look, if I'm with somebody who her love language involves me ripping out all of the current plants from the front yard and replanting them or something like that, it's man. I'm not going to do that and that's. That's where making knowing these things about yourself before you get into relationships can be helpful, because I'll write the check for to have that done for you. I'll. If the goal is you to have that done for you, I'll. If the goal is you want to see this end result, I'll make that end result happen and I. But if the goal is you want to see me out there with my shirt off of getting sweaty we might not be a great match, yeah Well, but he does talk about that.

Dan: 21:01

So he doesn't mention that to look at your resources. So, even if that's not something that you do talk to your friends and family or your connections are, and it's the results and results that matter. So I would say I'll be honest with you. My knowledge about you is, I would guess, that one of your top level languages is acts of service. It might not be you doing the work, but you figure out how to get shit done and you figure out how to make that result happen in a lot of different areas of your life. Naturally, yeah, and so you may not be. You do it in the exact way he's talking about. You work smarter, not harder. So you might not be the one doing that work, because either you don't enjoy it that's not your skill set, whatever it is but you get it done and you make stuff happen. So I'm curious for you to take the rest of that yeah quiz to see how that comes up.

Charles: 21:42

So I guess, yeah, yeah, my question is you know, if I'm with a woman whose love language is acts of service and she really wants the house painted and I hire a guy to paint the house, does she feel like she's received an act of service or does she feel like she's received a gift? I feel like that's an act of service but, like we said at the beginning, ultimately it's up to her, isn't it? That feels like you wrote a check and so you gave me a gift and it doesn't feel like you gave me an act of service. I mean, if she's willing to express that openly and honestly, we're on the hook to say, well, she's right 100% of the time. If she voices that, here's what this feels like to me. Then we don't get to say, well, it shouldn't feel like that to you, because correct you know what I mean.

Dan: 22:22

Yeah, it really depends on her, but I feel like if somebody, if that is really her love language, that to me it might be a gift. But I feel like that is still going to cross over into acts of service.

Charles: 22:35

That could be both obviously I'm trying to think of it from my perspective. Yeah, if there was something that I was hoping my partner would do for me and I found out that she, just while I was out of town for work or whatever, she just hired somebody to do it for me and when I got back it was done, would I have the attitude of, well, it got done and that's all that matters, or would I be like, okay, that's great.

Dan: 22:59

So I'll speak from my perspective, because that's definitely my love language is access her Right. I would absolutely be flattered and honored and felt loved, because it was something that was on my mind. I wanted it to get done and she got it done. I don't care if it was her labor that did it, it was still her thoughtfulness to do it, find somebody to do it, arrange it, manage it and pay for it. All those things are time consuming, energy consuming, and she took that off my plate. I love it.

Charles: 23:28

I think I'm there with you, but I can certainly if somebody told me no, the fact that you didn't do it yourself, the fact that you hired somebody else to do it, makes it not the same. I understand where they're coming from. I don't think that's crazy.

Dan: 23:41

Yeah, yeah, I think for me anyway I can almost be for myself it's. It would be different if it was like making. It definitely would mean more if, like you, made something out of clay, some sort, of, some sort of gift, like your child does, or whatever, or so, wow, that's really meaningful because you did it yourself, it act, it absolutely adds to it. But if it's as long as you're not taking credit because for somebody else's work. Still, for me, it's the thoughtfulness of, hey, this is something. I know your personality, I know you would enjoy this, right, and so then, and then, how much of it? If she can make it herself, oh my God, that's even better. But if not, it's still. She thought of me and I can use it.

Charles: 24:22

Yeah, if I was the kind of person that wanted a portrait commissioned, okay, and my partner, who has never painted or taken pictures or anything, just did it for the first time and it was not great. If my partner just tried it because, oh, I mentioned, I wanted a portrait done of myself and she just did it and it wasn't very good done of myself and she just did it and it wasn't very good, then that would put me in a much harder position than if she commissioned an artist that I've already told her that I like that does portraits, and she hired this guy or gal to come to my house and paint a portrait of me, yeah, great, that would be more meaningful to me that she arranged for someone who's an expert at this to do it, but then again, if her skills were hobbyist or novice level, but she was pretty good and she did it for me herself.

Dan: 25:06

Yeah.

Charles: 25:07

But this was already something that she had developed the skill at, and even though she wasn't as good as professional, she was still pretty good. Then I guess that would probably be more meaningful to me than her hiring somebody to do it for her.

Dan: 25:18

And he does mention this a little bit too is your attitude while you're either doing the task or afterwards too. Is your attitude while you're either doing the task or afterwards, if you basically just in this example, like just threw money at getting the house painted or the bathroom painted because that's what she wanted to do and weren't paying any attention to it or didn't get into it with her or just ask her some details about it, it could feel a little bit more like the gift side of things, where you're just it's more of a transaction, but if you're excited about it, you ask detailed questions about it and you're into it and you bring a smile and positive attitude with it. To me that's a little bit more on the acts of service type of thing.

Charles: 25:59

Yeah, I would agree with you.

Charles: 26:00

Even though it's not your sweat specifically, but it was your the giving gifts and the quality time as a couple of supporting columns. Yeah, because if you're paying some guy to paint your house cause you don't pay, but you go to home Depot with her to pick out all the colors and have have discussions, share your opinion, say why you think that color would look good in that room, versus that, if you could almost make that like a supporting framework that the act of service that you pay somebody else to do sits on top of, that's great. Yeah, and maybe I don't know we'd have to talk to some ladies who have acts of service as their primary love language to see if they think that that would get the job done. Or do they want to see you up on that ladder rolling that roller or using that brush? I don't know. I'm sure there's some in both camps.

Charles: 26:54

Probably so. You mentioned the attitude. There's these three sort of pillars that he mentions impact, initiative and attitude. Impact being and this is something I've had to learn in the last few years where the impact of your actions usually matters significantly more than the intention of your actions. 100%. Yeah, what is going to count as love for somebody is not what you had in mind when you did something. It's going to be what the end result and the effect on them actually was. Not what you thought it would be, not what you hoped it would be. It's going to be, it is what it is right, yeah, I think.

Charles: 27:29

And balancing the intention in the, you've got to have the right intentions, but you also have to have the right impact.

Charles: 27:34

And if you only have one of those, if you accidentally do something that really benefits someone, they're not going to feel the same way as if you intended to do something that benefited them.

Charles: 27:43

And if you really intended to benefit them but what you did for them was a bit of a disaster, then they're not going to feel great about that either. They're not going to feel great about that either. Taking your wife's car to the detailer to have done for her is great when it works out that way, and having a clean car, a shiny car, matters to her. If you had the intention of getting a detail but you wrecked it on the way to the car wash, having that go wrongly is not going to impact her the same way as if everything went fine. And so, yeah, keep in mind that, and the impact that it has is going to be determined on what she tells you and what works for her and what doesn't work for her. So just be it doesn't come down to the raw hours that you invest in trying to fill up her love tank. It's, like you said, about working smarter, not harder.

Dan: 28:27

Yeah, I feel like this is where a lot of people misuse the term. It's the thought that counts here, right, and use that as an excuse for not having a real filling and result.

Charles: 28:39

The other thing that they use is I did my best and I got. I hate hearing that.

Dan: 28:44

Yeah, you're basically, if I've ever heard an excuse, get fired for something. That's the line.

Charles: 28:50

We both agree that you didn't get what you wanted from me, mr Manager. But I'm going to take it a step further and say you're not getting. You're not getting any more from me because this is my best.

Dan: 28:58

Yeah, and at the same time, you're acknowledging that or you're pretending that you know you're not sorry and you don't recognize that there's anything wrong with this.

Charles: 29:07

Yeah, Even if you say I'm sorry, I did my best, the I did my best undoes the sorry, yeah. What you want to say to your partner excuse me, or your boss or whoever is, I'm sorry, I can do better, yeah, that's what they want to hear every time. They don't want to hear I'm sorry, I did my best. When you disappoint someone, they're thinking well, if that's your best, don't do your best. Do more than that. Do my best, because I would never let you down the way you just let me down. And yeah, don't watch out for that. The second one is initiative, and that goes back to what we said. Don't go down this journey and down this road of finding out your partner's love language and then not act on it. It's like you. You have got to find this information out and then start on it and then stick with it until it's finished.

Dan: 29:55

Because what your wife's not looking for is for you to start a bunch of projects that you don't finish. Right, yeah, that is way worse than doing nothing. You are setting the bar and expectation really high and now you've got to live up to that and, ideally, exceed it commit to big things and then do the big things.

Charles: 30:05

Well, don't commit to little things and then do those little things and then expect a whole heap of praise and notice for the little things that you do.

Dan: 30:15

But he does also talk about. Something I'm also a big fan of here in terms of starting out is do something that's maybe easiest on her ideal honeydew list, on the task list. Do something easy first, if you're not used to doing this stuff. Do something easy so at least you're successful for it, and then maybe look into getting to the most important thing, the bigger and bolder thing.

Charles: 30:39

If you're pressed for time, always start the project with the easy win and the low-hanging fruit. I don't care what it is, whether it's this for your wife or something at work. The thing that will take two minutes and have a minor impact. The big impact it has on you is it changes you from the person who doesn't do these things to the person that does these things and also in her mind the same thing.

Dan: 30:59

It's now. She trusts that you say you're going to do you actually get it done.

Charles: 31:03

But I say mainly, do it for you so that it primes your pump of getting into doing this new stuff that you haven't done before. Yes, she will see it. She'll appreciate it Again, the fact that you know, cleaned up, you lifted up the tooth brush holder and clean the counter on it and then put it back down. Don't expect her to go crazy for the fact that you did that, but it can be an easy win for you. Okay, I just did something that I normally wouldn't do, and it feels good to do it. It was quick, it was easy, and now I'm the guy who does little things like that for his wife. That should make you feel good. Ride that wave. Yeah, absolutely. Do.

Charles: 31:37

Keep in mind that this and this applies to every love language, but he mentions it in this one when you're dating someone new and they are completely zeroed in on your love language and doing everything that makes you feel wonderful, that very well could be a function of the fact that you're just getting together and the relationship is just starting, and so I think we mentioned this maybe in the first episode you're going to feel like everything this new person does is speaking directly to your love language and everything you do is probably going to be perceived like that by them as well.

Charles: 32:11

Oh my gosh, this is amazing. I can't believe how fluent they are in my love language. It's because both of you are doing a lot of different things in a lot of different ways and because the hormones are flowing and you're experiencing the liverance and all that stuff you're you're looking at everything through these rose colored glasses where everything they do feels amazing and that is not necessarily a predictor of how things are going to be once. You've been together for a couple of years and I think you and I have both lived through that and, yeah, it doesn't stay that way always. So just because you're feeling that way with this new relationship and this new person that you met, that doesn't tell you all you need to know about their love language and how they express love to their partners.

Dan: 32:55

And I think that's one of the reasons, at least in my past, where it's become difficult to actually sit down and have a conversation about what you like, what you don't like, what communication things, getting on the same page with those things, because everything that you were doing for each other was so wonderful and great it almost feels like by analyzing it and sitting down and having a conversation about it, you're almost deflating that buildup, that that, that that wonderful limerence that you guys have for each other, absolutely, almost intentionally popping it with a balloon. Because now you're analyzing it, right, yeah, talking about the relationship instead of experiencing it, and I know that's been one of my things to why I've resisted it. Yeah, think about, but you're doing yourself a disservice for the future.

Charles: 33:54

Think about the. Probably what would be the most touchy scenario in that space is when you go from. You can't keep your hands off each other and you're constantly having sex.

Charles: 33:58

To now, sex has to be scheduled and that is a difficult transition to make for either the man or the woman in the relationship to the point where it's like, okay, I have all these memories of when we couldn't keep our hands off each other and now it's, unless we make an effort to put it on the calendar, it's not going to happen. Like, how does yeah, how do you get okay with that? Right? And that's something I still haven't figured out. Man, it's yeah, that, that is a. Even if you pull off that transition successfully, there's going to be some complicated feelings from getting from point a to point b and in a lot of cases it gets both guys and girls in the relationship thinking maybe I'm not right with the right person.

Charles: 34:37

I don't know, I feel like it's not supposed to be this way.

Charles: 34:39

And certainly the media doesn't tell you that it's supposed to be that way that you're supposed to go from I can't keep my hands off you to we have to have a conversation about how many times a week I need to have sex to meet my needs, how many times a week you need it to meet your needs, and then we have to put it on a calendar and make it happen. That is yeah. We're not primed to have those conversations and get those results, and so most of us stumble through it in a way that either hurts or kills the relationship, and it's tough.

Dan: 35:07

Yeah, yeah. For me, one of the things I've been intentionally trying to do is find private moments where I can emotionally connect with my partner, that where it's not sex by any means, but it helps with it's just hey, just you and me here say something a little sweet, whatever that is, and and try to make those connections and that seems to have helped keep things fresh and alive. It's not, it's not intentionally dating. I think that's also a great idea, having once a week or yeah, that is the special dates, but I feel like that's. I feel like that's helped me keep things fresh over time yeah, that's a good point.

Charles: 35:49

one of the things he addresses after that idea that your falling in love process will make you feel like your love tank is full, almost accidentally, the next thing he says is getting to the bottom of what kinds of acts of service actually fill the tank. Sometimes you can't just ask your wife the question and then expect her to be able to say, okay, do these things. Because he offers one example where someone has built up quite a bit of resentment in just expecting you, expect your wife to do everything for you for years and maybe decades, and then you go to her and say, hey, let's take this test and see what our love languages are, and then hers is acts of service, and you're like, okay, tell me what acts of service I need to do for you. And then again, after a pattern of years and years of neglecting her love language and what she needed from you and not filling her tank, it's it could be tougher to take on the task of making that list for you.

Charles: 36:44

One of the things he says to do is invite her to compile an ultimate honeydew list, which I think ultimate honeydew list is a terrible name, because when I say you said, charles, give me your ultimate honey-do list. My response to that is I'm making a list of everything I can possibly think of. That I would want you to get done for me. And then be like here you go, dan, here's the checklist, here's everything. What he's actually talking about is four or five things that she would find the most valuable.

Charles: 37:13

But again, it feels naive to for him to title that the ultimate honeydew list, because he's talking about ultimate as far as quality, not quantity, right, and it just it seems confusing to me. Don't call it that, just be like hey, can you put down, write down a list when you're comfortable. You don't have to recite it to me right now. Think about it for a few days. If you want to just leave it in a place where I'll find it. You don't even have to hand it to me and just put together. Here are the four or five things that you could do for me that I would feel the most loved by. Where calling it the ultimate honey do list? Again, it's, it's more of this 80s sitcom humor that he tries to inject in this book, or whoever wrote the book for him back in 92 is trying to do.

Dan: 37:52

I don't like it. My mom used to call it the honeydew list for me for the things that she wanted me to do around the house, whatever, but that was 40, almost 40 years ago.

Charles: 38:01

Yeah, I think that's just a cliche, cheesy way to talk about what should be a serious topic. Again, one of the things he talks about as far as your acts of service should be done as soon as possible and not. You don't want her to hand you this list and let it get stale and have it just sit around while you do nothing because, oh, I got busy with work, I got busy with the kids, I got busy with fill in the blank, and so I haven't gotten around to it. Yet it's again. If you're not ready to do this with a sense of promptness and urgency, then you're almost better off not asking her to help put the list together in the first place.

Dan: 38:37

Yeah, he's got another little three, little three letter acronym three D's right Drive discipline and dedication. Yeah, so when you're executing those tasks, you should do it with motivation. Right, you should make sure that it gets done. Discipline, so you put it on your calendar.

Charles: 38:54

Yeah, especially if it's a recurring one. Good point If she's the one that was always putting the garbage out the night before the garbage man comes, and then you have a conversation with her about taking that off her plate, and then the next morning garbage man comes and goes and you forgot to do it, you're going to put her in a position where she feels like, okay, well, I guess if this is going to get done, the only way that's going to happen is if I go back to just doing it myself, and boy, that's going to build some resentment real quick.

Dan: 39:21

Real insightful. If you are operating your daily stuff using a calendar, then you need to put it on your calendar. If you don't use a calendar and you I don't know use a planner you got to put it on your planner. Whatever are the most important things that you, whatever tool you use to remind yourself to get things done, it needs to be on that. You need to put that in your tool. And I see the same thing with people trying to do anything new whether exercising, meal planning, other habits that they want to do. They don't put it into their calendar and I know they're not serious about doing it and, yeah, I have personal experience with that.

Charles: 40:00

Yeah, and what still blows my mind is meeting people who have no planner or tool for that at all. What must your life be like? Either you've got all this in your head and you're just killing it, and you don't need something which I don't usually believe. I'm too skeptical all this in your head and you're just killing it and you don't need something, which I don't usually believe. I'm too skeptical or you're just doing stuff as it pops into your head and letting other stuff fall through the cracks. I could not live that way. It would drive me insane.

Charles: 40:21

I don't know how people do it these days. So, whatever method you use for getting the most important stuff done, if you're going to do this, it needs to be part of that method. Otherwise it's going to fall through the crack and it's going to be very clear to your partner that, okay, he's serious enough about this to talk about it, but he's not serious enough to actually get it done. That's a level of dedication you're going to bring to it, where I'll have the conversation with you about your love language, or I'll have the really I'll have any conversation with you about making this relationship better, but when it comes to do something that is inconvenient or uncomfortable, it's not going to happen.

Dan: 40:55

You are what you do, not what you say you'll do.

Charles: 40:57

That's very true. Your acts of service need to be done with eagerness, with good humor and with humility. And again, man, when it comes to me and my hating most types of manual labor, that is a challenge for me, because to do something I don't want to do with eagerness, it's good luck keeping that humor alive.

Charles: 41:17

Right, and so it's. Either you need to figure out a way to reframe the task so that you can figure out how to get pleasure out of it, or you need to figure out some way to outsource it or get it done without you having to be the one to do it, like when I was washing the wax in my car the other day here at your place. And not only I'm not a big sweater, you've seen me. For the most part I'll be in environments and situations where other people are drenched and I'm. I just don't sweat. But the sweat was just dripping off me when I was washing wax in the car the other day and my arms and my legs were getting so sore from the positions I had to be in to put the wax wax on wax off, just like Mr Miyagi says, yeah, I was hurting, but I was also able to see the impact very quick, especially on an older car that still has decent paint. When you get to washing and waxing it, it gets so much better so fast when you do that stuff, that okay, well, I got to do the next panel because this door looks amazing, and then you just keep going at it and going at it until it's all done. But yeah, for a lot of stuff. When it comes to doing stuff around the house or doing other things to my car, it's just like I've been putting off fixing my seats for months now. No-transcript attitude coming to you to paint your house, you would never let me do it. So if that's what you're bringing to the table, they don't do it. Find another way to go about it. Maybe your buddy is great at painting houses and he's been fighting with a slow window seven computer with a virus on it for weeks and you're like listen, I'm going to sit in front of your computer for four hours and you're going to paint my house for four hours and we're going to call this done. Yeah, and that's one of his pieces of advice is find out what skill sets are in your are your social circle, and be ready to barter and leverage that to to get your wife happy with her acts of service.

Charles: 43:38

Um, the other thing I wanted to get into was he's got this little phrase book at the end of every chapter. Yep, and for I don't know what you think, but for me it's like half of these are cringy and half of them are good. Yep, and let's talk about, as many men know of a chore or chores that their wife has already given up hope on ever seeing done. Surprise her and get the job done. Okay, I understand why that's a good idea, but, like many things in this book, let's turn our telescope back in time a little bit and let's try to understand why this thing that has been important to her has not gotten done in so long. There's probably a reason, and it's either because you're lazy, or because you're unskilled, or because you hate this particular thing or maybe he's talking about something that she was trying to do and never, never, asked you to do it.

Dan: 44:30

Okay, that's the passive. That's how I took it actually interesting.

Charles: 44:34

I didn't go there at first. I I didn't assume that it hadn't she's given up hope of it ever being done.

Dan: 44:41

The fact that she's given up hope of it ever being done. Yeah, it doesn't sound like that's something that she was trying to it doesn't?

Charles: 44:46

feel like, yeah, it doesn't feel like something she has ultimate control over, or she wouldn't give up hope. Yeah, I, I feel like the giving up hope part is because she needed help with it, or you said you would do it and you haven't. Number one don't commit to doing something that you're not going to do. That's the easiest way to keep yourself out of trouble where, in this case, it sounds like maybe hubby did commit to doing something and then he didn't do it. We don't know that for sure, but I can assume that might be what's going on. So don't commit to doing things that you're not going to do ever.

Charles: 45:15

And number two let's figure out why hasn't it gotten done? Like, where's the deficiency, if there is one on your part that it hasn't gotten done? Is it because you lack the skills? Is it because you lack the strength? Is it because you lack the time? Is it because you lack the money? Figure out what's getting in the way of getting this done.

Charles: 45:30

It's very easy to say just go do it, just go get the job done. But if it was that easy, it probably would have been done already. There's probably a reason that it hasn't happened. Yeah, yeah, let's steer clear of the platitudes of just get it done and let's figure out why it hasn't gotten done, and that carries into number two If she asks you to do something, do it. Don't make her repeat herself. If your wife has a request, then you just it's your job to just go get it done. It's okay. There's probably a conversation that needs to happen here about, based on other things that you guys have discussed and based on other ways you've decided to divide labor in your household this idea of I don't know, maybe I'm just taking it in a way that's openly hostile, but when I hear a guy tell me, when I hear one man tell me, if she asked for something, just do it.

Dan: 46:16

Yeah, when I see jump, you say hi, yeah, I yeah.

Charles: 46:21

Are you putting in love language for women? If your husband asks you to do something, just do it? Probably not. No, uh-uh. And I don't think it would be okay in either situation to say if your partner asks, it makes a request, just do it. That's that kind of simplistic. It just feels like horseshit to me. Yeah and yeah. There there are some things that when you have the conversation and she makes a request, in many cases your response should be okay, I'm just going to do that. But to put it in a book like this across the board if she asks you to do something, do it. Don't make her repeat herself Again. I would not write a book for women and tell them to expect to be treated that way by their husbands.

Dan: 47:00

I think there needs to be a lot more detail to that item there in terms of the background, about what's going on there. It'd be different if it was like she asks you to do the dishes. I think in that case that might just fit. Yeah, sure, yeah, whereas oh, let's, let's remodel the kitchen, like that. So I think, I think it really depends on the kind of tasks he's talking about.

Charles: 47:20

Yeah, in almost all these cases, these are projects or tasks that need to be discussed, not just your wife doesn't just get and then you have to do those things. That's not how a partnership works, correct? Yeah, on either side. It's just so juvenile and basic for him to say it that way. It drives me crazy. Plan to get up a half hour earlier or stay up half hour later each day for a week and use that time to plan and perform acts of service for your wife. Okay, he's limiting it to a week, which I get. That makes it better than plan to wake up a half hour earlier every day for the rest of your life to do acts of service for your wife. No, but still I would say I.

Charles: 47:59

For many of us, it's not a matter of I need to wake up earlier or I need to stay up later. It's I need to clear out some of the other garbage that's in my schedule and devote the time to doing this instead. And because, look, a lot of us, a lot of us don't like to admit how much garbage we have in our schedule, but we have a lot of garbage in our schedule and so, just like I would say, quitting your church basketball league isn't the first thing that you do to find time to do stuff to spend quality time with your wife. Changing your alarm is not the first thing to find time for acts of service. Definitely not If get some garbage out of your schedule, wake up at the same time, go to sleep at the same time, but look at how you're spending your actual off time when you're not at work. Punching the clock, yeah, what are you doing and what can you do in that extra time? To find time to do stuff for your wife? Yeah, but just, oh, just wake up half an hour earlier, go to sleep again for a week. Yes, you can pull that off, no problem. But yeah, just don't feel like, oh, this book is asking me to change my daily schedule and get less sleep because I need to do things for my wife, that's. I don't think that's what he's saying, but even so, you probably don't need to do that, even for a week, just for a week. You could decide. I'm not going to jerk around on YouTube or Netflix for half an hour a day every day, right, that's easier Ask. Yes, I think so too. And more valuable sleep. Sleep is more valuable to you than watching YouTube videos. And so don't put don't make sleep the first thing on the chopping block.

Charles: 49:29

Think of something she would never expect to take the dog to the groomer. Reorganize the basement to make room for her home business files. Okay, cabinet, oh, what's that? Your iphone can just take a picture of every important document that you need. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot that we're not in 1992. Yeah, let's clean out the pantry and kitchen cabinets here's, but again, let's be careful with that. I was gonna say this flies in the face of work. Smarter, not harder. Yeah, these could be all things that you end up putting a lot of time into that don't really do it for her. And so the danger you run into of thinking of something she never expects is the things that pop into your mind could be the thing that she never would ask for because it doesn't matter, right?

Dan: 50:16

Yeah, the twist I would say is, as you come up with this list, talk to her and then say, hey, one does this matter to you and two, if it does, you work together. Maybe she gives you some direction in terms of the actual reorganizing of the business files or the kitchen or everything else like that. So you're not reorganizing something in a way that doesn't work for her either and it only works for you, yes, and so what I would say Don't make this a surprise, no-transcript. So you're not wasting your time either.

Charles: 51:36

If you're a man who is so confident, secure and outcome independent that you can do a surprise for someone and not feel bad at all when they're like I wasn't really looking for that, then you probably don't need this book or this podcast, because that's not me.

Charles: 51:50

If I buy someone a gift that I spent a lot of money on, that I can't return and then they're disappointed with it, it's going to make me feel bad.

Charles: 51:57

It's not going to make me angry at them, it's not going to make me be rude or whatever, but I am going to feel let down that, oh man, I sacrificed my time, my money, my effort, whatever to do this thing for you and I didn't accomplish the goal I was after. I'm going to feel bad about that, which is why, when I'm at my best, I don't do those surprises. I give people what they actually want, not what I want to give them. So it really plays right into that whole caretaking the value that you get out of a surprise. If you're not very careful, it's going to pull on your caretaker nature where I'm going to surprise her by doing the thing for her that I want to do for her, and then, boy, she better act like it was exactly what she wanted me to do, or else I'm going to get in a bad mood, I'm get resentful, I'm gonna act out.

Dan: 52:43

Blah, blah, blah and it's amazing how many times I've done that rather than having same, rather than uncomfortable or what I thought could be an uncomfortable conversation, which probably is not, but in my mind I.

Charles: 52:53

Well, part of it is played into the modern definition of romance, where you're supposed to be able to just do these surprises for somebody and they're supposed to lose their shit for you oh my god.

Dan: 53:01

God, Charles, you're the greatest.

Charles: 53:03

And then you don't get that. And then now I'm in a bad mood because you didn't react exactly the way I wanted you to react. I blame Hollywood, blame Hollywood, blame your parents, blame yourself, blame everything. The whole system is messed up. Take your wife shopping in the yellow pages I'm sorry, the what, the yellow what. What's a phone book? Let her pick out a needed service, whether it's gutter cleaning, painting or carpet steaming. Yeah, again, I feel like this guy is just packaging these things in this sort of cliche, romantic way where. Take your wife shopping and the yellow pages are online. Or you could just say, hey, what's something that needs to be done around the house that we could pay somebody to do that we haven't done in a while. That would make you feel better about the place where we live. And then she says it. And then you get on Google maps or Craig's list or Angie's list or whoever's out there Yelp and you find somebody in your area who is good at doing that thing for a good value, and then you hire them to do it. But yeah, it seems like everything has to be packaged with some little cool little name for this book. I don't know.

Charles: 54:09

Think of your wife's most frequent complaints, go overboard and preventing them again in the near future. If she has a frequent complaint, you need to do some asking. Why is this a frequent complaint? Why is she? Why does she feel like she has to complain about this so often? Does she want something done on a more frequent basis than you think it needs to get done? That could be a conversation that you have to have, I don't know. Just ask a lot of questions, get to the bottom of it and don't just say, huh, my wife does seem to complain about this all the time. Maybe I should take whatever actions necessary for her to not complain about it so much. Okay, well then you're solving the symptom, which is hearing frequent complaints, but you're not really getting to the bottom of what. Is it that's at the root of her complaining about this so frequently? Is it that I'm not mowing the lawn frequently enough and I need to mow it more often? Or, and if so, why is she concerned about the way our house looks compared to the neighbors? Is she worried that the kid or the dog is going to get bit by a snake? Ask questions, dig a little deeper. Yes, always dig deeper and figure out, because if your wife has a frequent complaint. There's a reason that she has a frequent complaint and try to get to the underlying need that's not being met, not just the guy with the Flex Seal commercial where he's slapping the tape on the leak and the leak's fixed like okay, well, you still have a hole in this clear plexiglass water tank and, yes, now there's a piece of flex tape over it. But does that really solve the problem? Maybe it doesn't, but you probably need to say how did the hole get in here in the first place?

Charles: 55:36

Yeah, make yourself accessible to her in times of extended grief, such as the death of a parent or pet. Supporting her during tough times can be a great act of service. It feels like we're getting this giant pry bar and trying to fit acts of service into a place that it doesn't belong. I don't know that. Just be a good human being. If your wife's parent or dog dies, you need to plan on being real nice to her for a real long period of time and getting stuff done for her, as she probably would for you if you were going through that yeah, and, and whether your love language is acts of service or not, I feel like that's something you need as a human, absolutely and so it's like he wanted to say hey guys, just a reminder if something disastrous happens to your wife, take care of her.

Charles: 56:20

Where should I put this? Uh, let's put it acts of service? Is that quality time it's in? It could be all of them in many ways, but again there's. There seems to be a bigger framework of just be a good person to the person you say that you love and care about, and one of those things is expecting your demands to go up when her dog or her dad dies and just accept that and bend over backwards to make life easier for her. Don't always announce what you do for your wife. Occasionally perform a covert act of service without saying anything and see how long it takes her to notice. Okay, buddy, if you're going to do a covert act and not mention it, be okay with her never noticing it, yeah, and don't lose your shit when she doesn't compliment you on it yeah, he's setting people up for failure with this one.

Dan: 57:08

I know it drives me, time it and see if she noticed. Yeah, exactly, does she beat the last one? Is this a competition? All of a sudden?

Charles: 57:16

this. It feels so naive of dr gary chapman to recommend this kind of advice. We got that phd PhD from the Baptist Theological Seminary. At least he didn't put it on the book, though. Yeah, at least If your wife always seems rushed in the morning, find a way to give her a few more minutes. Take an earlier or later shift in the bathroom, pack the kids' lunches, get the coffee ready.

Dan: 57:39

Hey, when you got to go, you got to go. I don't know about this taking a different shift.

Charles: 57:42

I guess if you have kids, then two people can't be on the toilet or in the shower at the same time or they might kill themselves. So I could see having to schedule things for that reason. Also, if you live in a small enough place and you have to share a bathroom, then I could see where trying to adjust that schedule could be useful. For the most part, I recommend, if you live with another person, do your best to have a place with two bathrooms so that you can both use the bathroom whenever you need to. But there are other circumstances where I get that taking a more proactive approach to organizing that time might be beneficial and necessary. And yes, by all means, do that In order to pack the kids' lunches and get the coffee ready. You need to know how to make the coffee and you need to know how to pack the kids' lunches.

Charles: 58:24

That goes back to what we were saying earlier, where if you're a complete Neanderthal when it comes to both of those tasks and you only rely on her to do them because you don't know how, you should probably remedy that situation yesterday. Make a list of the skills and abilities your friends possess. See what you can do in the barter economy to do things for your friends, to help them with their partner's acts of service and what they can do to help you with yours. I think that's a great idea. If your wife enjoys what you do for her so much that she wants to get in on the fun work together to perform acts of service for other people, Okay, that doesn't appeal to me. When I read that I was like it's pulling off these acts of service for her and maintaining a good attitude and a positive spirit is going to be hard enough yeah when it comes to volunteering.

Charles: 59:09

I do some infrequent volunteering, but usually it involves animals, and that's still acts of service you're still doing.

Dan: 59:17

Yeah, but not for my partner. No, um, I feel like if you did it with your partner, that could be a way to connect. It could be. It's certainly a way. If you both enjoy whatever that you're doing. Yeah, look, if you can get, then is that quality time well, that's the thing.

Charles: 59:32

I think it's more quality time, yeah, acts of service, because she's enjoying your the time that you're spending with her while you do something else. Again, I feel like it's a bit of a crowbar yeah, yeah, yeah, a little bit.

Dan: 59:43

He does talk about a favorite cause of your wife. So maybe you hate animals and she loves them and you both go decide to do something do a walk to raise money for animals or shovel feces from local farms or whatever.

Charles: 59:57

I see more value in doing something for her family member. I took a lot of viruses off of a lot of family members and in-laws' computers for a long time when I was married and I don't know if that was ever viewed as an act of service or not. Eh, maybe. Yeah, I don't know.

Dan: 1:00:14

Yeah, that would absolutely in my mind.

Charles: 1:00:16

Run interference for your wife during one of her favorite TV shows, take care of all the phone calls, kid emergencies and so on. Man, what an man. This guy finds out about TiVo or Netflix. It's going to blow his mind the idea that you can watch TV on your schedule instead of when the network sends it to your antenna. Dr Chapman is going to rock his world. If you know of other men reading this book, exchange ideas with them to come up with new workable relationship strategies, pass Now, obviously that's what we're trying to do.

Charles: 1:00:47

Podcast is your act of service. Exactly. Yeah, when your wife says you don't do enough for her, I listen to this podcast once every couple months. I feel like I'm getting it done. Thanks very much. All right, dan, you're ready to end this long episode? Yeah, I actually am okay, so the next one's gonna be, uh, physical touch, correct? Yes, sir, and we'll talk about that on the next one. Thanks, everybody, bye-bye. Wow, you made it through the whole thing, so you must like us at least a little bit, in which case you should definitely follow or subscribe to our show in your chosen podcast app. Thanks, we'll talk to you next time.