Mindfully Masculine: Personal Growth and Mental Health for Men

Dating Apps Can (Probably) Work For You!

June 19, 2023 Episode 86
Mindfully Masculine: Personal Growth and Mental Health for Men
Dating Apps Can (Probably) Work For You!
Show Notes Transcript

Dating apps can provide unique challenges and opportunities for men to meet the kinds of women they’d like to date, but… you may be bringing some incorrect assumptions that are making things harder than they have to be.

In this episode, we’ll address some common mistakes, and some easy fixes to your profile and your process.

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Dan:
Good morning, Charles. How are you today?

Charles:
Do well, Dan, thanks, how are you?

Dan:
I'm well, thanks.

Charles:
All right. So this is our second episode we're recording today. So our intro may feel a little light compared to how we usually do, because we've already said everything that happened over the weekend. Ah, let's talk about next weekend or the rest of this week. Do you have anything exciting scheduled that you want to, uh, you want to share with our listeners?

Dan:
Yeah, sure. So actually, something that I'm actually a little excited about was that through our KetoCon conference that

Charles:
Mm-hmm.

Dan:
we went to, we went to a talk, I guess is the best way to put it, about organ meats. And I've been trying to incorporate more

Charles:
Oh yeah.

Dan:
organ meats into my diet. And I've been successful with it from grass- grassland beef.com. They've got a great organ mix for ground beef. It's like a 75 25 and there's a beef, a liver heart and kidney mixed into regular ground beef. And it's fricking delicious. Um, it just

Charles:
Yeah?

Dan:
adds just a little bit of, of, uh, that, that flavor, which is, I, I like that Oregon flavor, a little bit of a gaminess as long as it's not overwhelming. And it's like the perfect amount. So, um, the other thing that I do is I drain it. and so that it doesn't have quite as much fat in it. And I keep the fat

Charles:
Hmm.

Dan:
to use for cooking later. And that takes away some of the strong flavor as well. But

Charles:
Okay.

Dan:
I also buy the desiccated supplements, the desiccated organ supplements, which tend to be very expensive. So I was like, all right, you know what? I should try and find a way to incorporate the actual organs into my diet. It's very popular in Argentina. I've gone to an Argentinian restaurant and it's delicious if it's prepared the right way and I was always intimidated

Charles:
Hmm.

Dan:
to do that. My big takeaway from that talk that we took was that you could take frozen organs and just shave them with like a grater and

Charles:
Yeah,

Dan:
just shave

Charles:
yeah.

Dan:
a half ounce or an ounce right into an existing dish and cook it up. I tried that last week and loved it. It was fantastic. I have some kidneys

Charles:
Oh yeah?

Dan:
that I bought from Grassland Beef. I shaved it. put it into my ground beef, couldn't even tell that they were there. And my understanding is that you really don't need more than maybe a half an ounce to an ounce of organs per day to really start to get some of the benefits from all the nutrients and the micronutrients and everything else like that from the ground organs. So I've been doing that and I've been enjoying it. And I feel like I'm making progress towards my cooking skills when it comes to Oregon meats. So.

Charles:
Nice.

Dan:
That's

Charles:
Congratulations.

Dan:
what's been going on with me. And then I'm going out to Las Vegas to see some friends, to see a family actually, next week. And I'm going with my dad and going to see my half sister. And I'm pretty excited about that. Haven't been out to her place. She moved from Darge Harbor, Alaska, out to Hendersonville, not too far from Las Vegas,

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
and have yet to visit her. And haven't seen her or my nieces in a few years now. So... I'm looking forward to that.

Charles:
Nice. Are you going to any shows out in Vegas? You got anything planned?

Dan:
Yeah, we're probably gonna go see Penn and Teller and might

Charles:
Oh

Dan:
do,

Charles:
nice,

Dan:
might,

Charles:
I love Penn

Dan:
might,

Charles:
and Teller.

Dan:
yeah, might do, might do karaoke. And then apparently

Charles:
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Dan:
there is a spin-off of Blue Man Group called Jew Man Group. And being that my dad is Jewish and we thought that might be a funny, funny show to go take in and see if we can make that happen as well. So

Charles:
Yeah. I wonder

Dan:
yeah,

Charles:
if, uh,

Dan:
not a whole

Charles:
if

Dan:
lot planned.

Charles:
I wonder if we asked the creators of blue man group, if they would consider it a spin-off or a rip off.

Dan:
Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited about that. So how

Charles:
Yeah,

Dan:
about you? What's

Charles:
that should be a lot of fun.

Dan:
coming up for you this weekend?

Charles:
Uh, this weekend I am going to a music festival up in the panhandle, um, called

Dan:
Oh,

Charles:
mothership.

Dan:
that's this weekend. Nice.

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
Nice.

Charles:
It's, uh, Brandy Carlisle and friends. And, uh, yeah, I'm, um, I've never spent any time, uh, the only time I've ever been up in that area was, uh, my first job in IT back in the late nineties. Um, we bought a the company I worked for as a small air condition company in my hometown, we bought a new or used copier off of eBay. And it

Dan:
Hmm

Charles:
was up in Panama city beach. And, uh, I borrowed the bosses. Like F three 50 diesel or something to, uh, to drive up there and load it in and drive it back. And that's really the only time I've been to. Panama City beach and I did not go to the beach. I didn't spend any time at the beach. So this will be my first like vacation up in that area. And so we're going to drive up on Thursday and stay there Thursday, Friday, Saturday night, and then start driving home Sunday night and stay at a much cheaper hotel off the interstate instead of off the ocean on Sunday night and then finish the drive home on Monday morning. So

Dan:
Wow. So

Charles:
that's the

Dan:
nobody's

Charles:
plan.

Dan:
sounds like nobody's broken the news to you that Panama City beach is really known for copiers still and not not for vacation.

Charles:
Oh no. All

Dan:
So

Charles:
right,

Dan:
I hope

Charles:
well we're

Dan:
you don't

Charles:
going

Dan:
get

Charles:
to

Dan:
disappointed.

Charles:
Destin.

Dan:
I

Charles:
It's

Dan:
hope you

Charles:
okay.

Dan:
don't get disappointed on that trip.

Charles:
Yeah, I, uh, I'm sure, I'm sure the copier business is doing fine, but it looks like for the pictures, it looks like the beach business is doing okay too. So we'll, we'll see how it

Dan:
Oh,

Charles:
goes.

Dan:
okay. Okay. Yeah.

Charles:
But,

Dan:
Well,

Charles:
uh,

Dan:
fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.

Charles:
yeah. And then, uh, to make that trip, one of the logistical concerns to make that trip happen tonight, I'm interviewing my cat's pet sitter. Uh, she's coming over tonight and, uh, she's going to meet the cat and I'm going to make sure that she's not crazy. She's going to make sure that my cat's not crazy and, uh, hopefully everything go okay with that because I'd like to use her again next month when I go up to the Pacific Northwest for vacation.

Dan:
Mmm.

Charles:
Hopefully I'll have a pet sitter that I'm comfortable with so she can do both. So that's on tap tonight. So I have to do some tidying up of my camper here in the next couple hours to be ready to entertain a guest. Because

Dan:
That's great.

Charles:
I mean, look

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
looking behind me, it doesn't look like too much of a disaster, but it's cause I move all the disaster next to the camera when I record. So I've got to, got to take care of that. Uh, yeah. So that's, that's what's, what's going on with me in the, uh, in the upcoming week. Um, and I'm going to come, I'm going to come see you on Wednesday night and we're going to work on, uh, uh, doing some more plotting and scheming regarding our, the video portion of our podcast that we hope to be able to, uh, make available to people. perhaps while we film as well as create a video file that we can upload and share on YouTube when we release our audio episodes weekly as well. So that's gonna be fun trying to figure out

Dan:
I'm

Charles:
how

Dan:
excited for

Charles:
to

Dan:
that.

Charles:
build a podcast studio in your spare bedroom on what would generously be called a shoestring budget because

Dan:
Hehehehehehe

Charles:
I like to do things as cheaply as is possible. to do it well. And that's,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
that's always my standard. What's the, what's the cheapest way I can do this well, uh, whether that's, you know, booking accommodations for a vacation or a set of a podcast studio. I want to do it as cheaply as it can be done right. And, uh, um, I'm really enjoying all the research that's going into that. And you know, the, we were just talking, it looks like the the version one cameras that we're going to start with are on sale on Amazon right now for $52. So I'm hoping that, uh, A triple set of those will work out the way that I hope they will work out and we can make them look look good

Dan:
Yeah, no, I think I'm excited for this. So we'll see how it goes.

Charles:
I'm definitely excited. I can't, I can't wait to see, uh, yeah, what, uh, what we can get done for as little money as we, as we can. And then, uh, I'm also going to be, uh, either today or Wednesday, I'm going to be diving back into podcast business school or for an Adam who, uh, we've hired for coaching. Um, I've got to go through some more of his material and make sure that we're doing all the things that we're supposed to be doing as far as

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
that goes. And

Dan:
Yep.

Charles:
I think this week there is it tomorrow night that he's got a small group session that we might both be doing. Does that ring a bell?

Dan:
So I have it scheduled for me for tomorrow afternoon.

Charles:
Okay.

Dan:
So. Yeah, the one that I set up for was at 12. I don't know if

Charles:
Okay,

Dan:
you. Okay.

Charles:
I should be able to do that too. Let's

Dan:
Okay.

Charles:
I will look into my email and yeah I'll probably I'll be on site with one of my customers of all just take lunch and do that with you guys Alright, cool. So let's dive into the next chapter of our book. And we are covering online dating,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
which So let's, let's see when, what's your experience with online dating? When, when did you, do you remember when you first created

Dan:
Wow.

Charles:
a profile and,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
uh, which app it was and what the experience was like?

Dan:
So I don't even remember the name of the app. It was basically turned into match.com

Charles:
Oh, interesting.

Dan:
and

Charles:
Okay.

Dan:
yeah, um, it was early two thousands and the woman that I matched with the profile just made me laugh. And it on, on her, her opening statement was looking for somebody who's willing to lie about the way we met. and

Charles:
Wow,

Dan:
online dating.

Charles:
early 2000s, that's a very unique thing to say. If you

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
see that now, it's absolutely a cliche.

Dan:
Yeah, yep, absolutely.

Charles:
But

Dan:
And

Charles:
back

Dan:
it was.

Charles:
then it was new. She might've created it. Ha ha ha.

Dan:
She may have, she may have. I mean, she was a brilliant, she was, she's, she's in marketing. And,

Charles:
Okay

Dan:
and I was just like, I, I, this is hysterical. And I was like, yeah, I'm willing to lie. So let's, we connected and yeah, she, yeah, we, we did for a while. It was very great. It was a great relationship. And, you know, in the end, just wasn't, it wasn't a fit for us to. to make the ultimate commitment. So, but I had, you know, that was great. And so I had a great experience with that. And then I'll be honest with you, I haven't had too many bad experiences with online dating. I've had a couple where like I'd show up to somewhere, we said we'd meet somewhere and they didn't show up. And

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
I, you know, basically, you know, and ask them what's going on. And then they got angry at me. Um,

Charles:
Pfft.

Dan:
so, um, you know, uh, just, yeah, but for the most part, um, I've had, you know, I've met all of my long-term relationships from, from online dating and not in person. Um, and my theory, you know, going through that was I was able to tell more about the person than just, you know, from their looks, I can see obviously the way they looked, but also get an idea of who they were, you know, did they spell everything correctly in their online profile? Do they show that they care enough about themselves to use proper grammar?

Charles:
Mmm.

Dan:
Those

Charles:
Yes.

Dan:
are all like little filters that ended up working in my benefit.

Charles:
Yeah, I, uh, I, I look for those things too. If somebody is using, um, you know, just abbreviations that aren't really abbreviations and, and just communication that feels lazy to me, um, that was always a bit of a turnoff to me as well, to the point where I wouldn't, I wouldn't match with somebody. I just, yeah, for, I mean, the, the ability to communicate ideas is something that I take. very seriously and it's very important to me. And so if somebody uses the few, you know, 50 or 100 words of their dating profile to not put any effort into communicating who they are, what they're looking for, it's like, okay, you're not my kind of person. So we'll just move on to the next one.

Dan:
Yeah. Any, anything else that you saw as red flags or things that would automatically make you disqualify somebody about a profile.

Charles:
Oh, yeah, good question. Um, yeah, I would say if they, um, If all of their pictures were selfies, that

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
was something that concerned me. It's like, you know, I, and I think these are the ones I'm going to mention here are probably true for, for what guys should have in their profile too. But yeah, if all your pictures are selfies, that's especially. I mean, we've talked about before why guys have a lot of selfies. Sometimes, you know, guys feel self-conscious about asking their friends to take their picture. Um,

Dan:
Mmm.

Charles:
And yeah, it was in, it was in, for the love of men by Liz Plank. We, when we read that, we talked about the, uh, the fact that so many guys are posing in pictures with dead fish or dead deer because they feel like asking. That's the only, that's one of the few times it's okay to ask your friend to take your picture without you feeling self-conscious or getting mocked, you know, that you, a lot of guys can't just say. to their friend, Hey, I think I look good tonight. Will you take my picture so that I can use

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
it online? Cause they'll get made fun of or they'll get teased or whatever. That's just, you know, in some, in some guys circles, that's not acceptable where, uh, fortunately in, in mine, it, uh, I would say it's encouraged. So,

Dan:
It's

Charles:
um,

Dan:
true,

Charles:
and,

Dan:
yeah.

Charles:
and, and that's not an accident. I didn't just luck out. That's because of the kind of people that I liked to like to hang out with. But, uh, yeah, it was all selfies. Um, you know, sometimes if it's a selfie. There's somewhere I saw girls had posted selfies of them in a car, like in the driver's seat, and you could see like their kid in the car seat in the backseat behind them. And it's like, that's that doesn't feel like a doesn't feel like you put much effort into it. Let me just snap. A selfie of me in the car with my kid in the backseat. You know, I don't have a problem

Dan:
Well...

Charles:
if they have a kid or if

Dan:
Right.

Charles:
even if the kids are in the picture, but, but

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
just, you know, that kind of casual here's me in my car and here's my kid. I was like, eh, that, that doesn't like, I want people to, I mean, I put a lot of work into the pictures I chose for my profile and I want to see the

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
same thing mirrored in the person that I'm interested in.

Dan:
Yeah, yeah. It's a lazy way of also communicating, I've got a child, I think as well, right? There's probably better

Charles:
Yeah,

Dan:
pictures

Charles:
I would

Dan:
of

Charles:
say

Dan:
you

Charles:
so

Dan:
and your

Charles:
too.

Dan:
child than just

Charles:
Yes.

Dan:
like, you know, carting them around in the car. Yeah.

Charles:
I would agree with that as well, yes. And then, yeah, some of the, I mean, look, if the text of a profile included cliches, then that would also tell me that, okay, this is a person that may not be, you know, their sense of humor or the way they,

Dan:
or.

Charles:
you know, try to, go ahead.

Dan:
Yeah, that yeah. So that's funny that you mentioned that because I've noticed too, that sometimes when you're filling out your profile, the dating apps have suggestions of answers you should be providing to some of the prompts that

Charles:
Yeah,

Dan:
they have.

Charles:
yeah

Dan:
And when I see those pop up, like, uh, dating me is, you know, like, uh, what is it on a hinge? It's like, uh, thinking you're biting into a cookie and

Charles:
Yes.

Dan:
then you realize it's an edible and then somebody actually uses that on there. Like, so many people, I've seen use that and it's just like, okay, no creativity. And yeah, I'm just, nope.

Charles:
Yeah. If you, uh, if, if a woman references how much she loves tacos and tequila, uh, if she references how much she likes being on or near the water, I mean, it's like ladies, I w I wish you, I wish you could all see each other's profiles and understand how many of you are saying the exact same thing

Dan:
And I

Charles:
because

Dan:
bet you the same

Charles:
it's

Dan:
thing happens with men. I bet you the same thing.

Charles:
yes,

Dan:
There's

Charles:
I'm

Dan:
a

Charles:
sure.

Dan:
lot of similar,

Charles:
I'm sure it does. I, I'm,

Dan:
right?

Charles:
I never,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
I never look at, uh, I never look at guys profiles, uh, unless I mean, there was There's one gal

Dan:
Well,

Charles:
that I

Dan:
there's

Charles:
was

Dan:
that time in college.

Charles:
very, there's one gal, one, one gal that, uh, I saw for a while on her and I dated, if you could call it that on a very, very casual basis. So casual that we would, uh, lay in bed together and look at other dating profiles and show them to each other. And, uh, yeah, the guys, the guys were, it's,

Dan:
I mean,

Charles:
it's pretty.

Dan:
that's fun. I mean,

Charles:
It was.

Dan:
that might be a new version of Netflix and chill. I like it.

Charles:
Yeah, it was, it was very, it was shocking to me how easy guys can distinguish themselves with a good profile because just as she was swiping through, it was just disaster after disaster after disaster, like guys that just looked, I mean, there were some guys who just, not only were they not smiling in their pictures, but it's like they were trying to look as unsettling as possible with their facial expressions, just like staring, like just that thousand yard stare into the camera, you know, nothing resembling a smile. It's like, dude, I'm looking at your picture and I feel like talking to you would ruin my whole day. Um, and yeah, it's just, I, I mean, you know, maybe, maybe they read atomic attraction and took it a little too seriously about the don't smile part. And, uh, yeah, it was, it's just Yeah, there guys, there's, there's a lot of things you can do right. And a lot of things you can do wrong. And, uh, yeah, putting effort into having good pick. I mean, part of the, part of the challenge I think is like, like we said before is, is getting pictures of you doing something interesting or having fun. And, and to do that, you have to stop and ask a friend or a stranger or someone you're with to say,

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
Hey, I'm having to, you know, I'm doing something fun. I'm having a good time. Take my picture. Um, Because if you don't do that, then you're not going to have a picture of that. And you're going to just be stuck with selfies in your bathroom and it's going to look weird and creepy.

Dan:
You know, and I'm going to share something. I, you know, when I was younger, I didn't like pictures being taken of me. I was very self-conscious of the way I looked. Um, I kind of got teased for having squinty eyes growing up and like some chubby cheeks. I mean, kids are teased for much worse, right? I mean, but at

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
that time that was, that was for me,

Charles:
I'm

Dan:
it

Charles:
sure

Dan:
was enough

Charles:
it's still,

Dan:
to go,

Charles:
yeah.

Dan:
okay,

Charles:
I'm sure it's still

Dan:
I'm,

Charles:
hurt.

Dan:
I'm unattractive.

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
I, you know, I'm not, I'm different, you know? Um, and so. you know, I would do everything in my power to not be put in pictures with friends and family and looking back on, I kind of regret it because there's a lot of things that I did that were very interesting, a lot of fun that I wish I remembered. So a lot of times, you know, you don't, you don't think of it, having the picture there, it's something, you know, as you get older, um, and especially at the end of your life to have those pictures, to be able to look back on that's all we have at the end of our life, really, our memories, right? So,

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
um, you know, uh, Take the pictures not for your online dating profile, but for yourself to be able to remember those things. And also remember the people that you were with. A lot of times, just looking at that picture, even if it's just of you, you might remember, oh yeah, I forgot, uncle so-and-so was on that trip or whatever, my buddy that I haven't talked to in forever was there, how are they doing? And it could actually spark reconnection at that point as well. So there's a lot of. really good, subtle reasons why you should be taking pictures and just assume that, you know, you're not gonna look great all the time. But one of the ways around that for me was listening to Brooke Castillo from Life Coach School podcast. She talked about, she went through the same thing, didn't like the way she looked, wouldn't take pictures of herself, and then realized when she takes pictures of her dogs, sometimes the dogs look goofy, sometimes they look weird, sometimes they look great. And she's like, You know, I don't nobody judges my dog. I don't I love my dog no matter what it looks like in these pictures. So she decided she's going to treat herself like she treats her dog. So she's going to say, hey, look, you know, this is I don't care the way I look. I'm going to love every single picture of me no matter what it looks like. I'm going to make an effort. And I'm not quite that zen yet and at peace with all of my pictures. I still have a little critical, but I've allowed, but just coming a little closer to that, I've been taking more pictures and it helps to have a group of friends like you and Curt and Richard who are also very encouraging about looking good and taking pictures and so that absolutely helps having that pure support around you as well. So I just want to encourage people to. you know, go ahead and take those pictures and love it and love yourself no matter how it comes out.

Charles:
Yeah. And I would agree. Um, let's see, I guess the, the proper response in, uh, when it comes to being good at improv is yes. And, or not

Dan:
Hmm

Charles:
only that, but, um, take the picture, love the picture, keep the picture, but don't necessarily post the picture on your dating app. You

Dan:
Great

Charles:
know, what,

Dan:
point,

Charles:
what,

Dan:
yes.

Charles:
what it comes to that, um, you do need to be, uh, it's, it's better to not even use the maximum number of pictures you can post. You know, if you can post nine pictures, but you only have five or six, that you and your trusted dating advisors, which for the most part should be, when it comes to, you know, who you get your, don't ever get dating app advice from a woman that you're interested in. That's number one. because that is going to come across as manipulative no matter what.

Dan:
Hmm.

Charles:
Like you're showing this to her to either make her jealous or show her how good your profile is or something like that. So I'm fine with you getting advice from women on your dating app profile, but not a woman that you're interested in. And number two, don't get advice from your guy friends that... are not achieving the results in their dating life that you wish you had.

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
Okay. So if, if you've got a buddy who's girlfriend you consider to be just a hassle and pain to be around and a bummer to be around and you don't like hanging out with her, don't ask that guy to teach you how to get women because he obviously doesn't have the same. Either the same things aren't important to him or he's not good enough at it that he's got somebody that you want to, you want to get somebody of the quality you want to get. So, uh, only take advice from women that you're not romantically interested in or guys who are getting the kind of results you wish you were getting. So let me, let me put that out there. Um, the other thing I'll say is, um, Oh, one thing you mentioned about, uh, pictures and about being teased for your chubby cheeks and your squinty eyes. This was something I read on I read on reddit recently which is When it comes to the way your eyes look in pictures Generally speaking your eyelids are going to be approximate with the horizon Regardless of the position of your head So if your head goes back your eyelids are going to close and if your head goes down your eyelids are going to open So if you do

Dan:
Oh.

Charles:
have eyes that are a little thinner horizontally then it's better to put your chin down a little bit than up a little bit because it'll make your eyes look like they pop open a little bit more.

Dan:
You know, that is really good advice. Uh, I just went for some, uh, additional headshots from, uh, Hughes if you're ready here in winter park. And he had me do that quite a few times is put my head forward and chin down just a little bit. And I think

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
that helped with my eyes open. Um, and, uh, that makes sense. Yeah.

Charles:
Yeah. So if, uh, if your eyes are a little buggy, like they're, they're too open sometimes, or at least you feel it like they are, then head back a little might work. I don't know. In most cases, I think chin down, like, like putting your head forward and your chin down a little bit and, you know, cocking your head a little to the side. That's what Gary Hughes always tells me to do when, when I'm there

Dan:
Yep.

Charles:
too. So I think,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
uh, you know, you, you are literally one YouTube video. Everybody is one YouTube video away from Hey, what's the best way for me to pose for a picture? Just watch that and then do that and play around with it. And now that we all have decent cameras on our phones, it's not like you have to pay for every print, every picture you take to get developed anymore. When you're posing for pictures with your friends or alone, just have, whoever's taking your picture, take a bunch of pictures or even hold down the shutter button while you do different things with your head. And then just pick the one, go through, pick the ones that you like and delete the ones that you don't. And, uh, yeah, there's, there's definitely, there's definitely plenty of info out there on how you should pose for pictures. Um, which I've, I've watched some of them because, um, yeah, my girlfriend is very good at, uh, she knows exactly how to pose for pictures and. You know, when we take pictures together at the beginning of our relationship, so many of them, uh, I thought she looked great and I looked like a monster because I didn't know what I was doing. So it's just watch a, watch a video on it and you can, it's a skill you can absolutely learn. I mean, you know, think about, uh, you know, I'm sure we have dozens and dozens of male models that listen to our podcasts. Um, and they're able to figure it out and you know, the ones that I've met aren't the smartest guys, so they can do it. You can do it.

Dan:
Great advice.

Charles:
Okay, so let's talk about this. There are some limitations to online dating. One of those being you are going to be judged on your appearance more than necessarily in organically meeting women in other scenarios or other situations, right? So the way I see it, you've got two options. You either have to be very good looking or your pictures have to be very interesting. So... I do not consider myself to be very good looking, just somewhat good looking, moderately good looking. But, I did make sure that my pictures were interesting. So in my dating profile, there's a picture of me on stage at the Orlando Improv doing standup comedy. There's a picture of me on the summit of or was, I need to keep saying was because I don't have a profile anymore because I'm in a relationship. There was a picture of me at the summit of Half Dome. pictures of me in cool cities doing things. Um, I don't remember exactly what all my pictures were because it's been a while, but yeah, you, you really do need to. Either you're objectively a, a top 10% guy in your physical appearance and then, you know, Hey, maybe, maybe you can just have pictures of you sitting on your buddy's couch. Um, but still you're still going to be however good looking you are, you are going to be in competition with other guys who are about the same level of good looking as you. And so there's really no scenario where you don't want to have interesting pictures or you doing you doing interesting things in interesting places. Right. So,

Dan:
Yep.

Charles:
um,

Dan:
Yep.

Charles:
I would say that that's paramount. And the fact is, even if you're not, you know, a matinee idol drop dead, gorgeous, good looking guy, if you're doing really interesting things in interesting places, Uh, that can give you an advantage over the other guys that are about the same level of attractive that you are physically attractive.

Dan:
Yeah, for sure. And what's interesting is, uh, I, I do have an active online dating profile now. Um, and the, you'd be happy to know that the picture that gets the most likes, uh, is the one that you took of me while we were eating pizza before we went to go see, uh, the, um,

Charles:
Duleepa!

Dan:
the Dua Lipa show. Um,

Charles:
Yes.

Dan:
and I don't know if it's cause I looked good in my, uh, sport jacket or because I'm holding two pieces of delicious New York style pizza in my hands. So, um, but, uh, it's, in terms of the likes I get, it is basically split between that picture. And then one of the questions that I answered on Hinge, which was, you know, what would you like to pick one of these activities that you'd like to do the most? And so, you know, and I just laid out nothing, nothing crazy, but what my philosophy when I filled out that question was, what kind of interactions would I like to have with somebody that I'm dating? And,

Charles:
Mm-hmm.

Dan:
um, and that has gotten about, you know, just as many likes as, as that, that picture. And I feel like if you come from the approach when you're filling out your dating profile in terms of setting the intention and the mood and the activities and help the other person visualize what kind of things you're going to be doing with that person. I think that goes a long way. And it, at least in my limited N equals one experiment. That's that seems to have gotten the most responses and it's nothing crazy. It's not like oh, we're going shopping I'm gonna buy you a Lamborghini, you know it's it's like

Charles:
Sure,

Dan:
you know, we're gonna

Charles:
yeah.

Dan:
go brunch and beach or we're gonna go, you know, we're gonna go to the gym and Then go to brunch or you know, maybe what you know plan a weekend trip somewhere You know, it's nothing nothing nothing nuts But I've gotten or listening to some live music somewhere right real real basic stuff But these are things also that I know I enjoy and I enjoy with other people. I have a good interaction. It's not going to the movies. It's not, you know, Netflix

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
and chill at my house, right? It's,

Charles:
Yeah,

Dan:
it's not, oh,

Charles:
exactly.

Dan:
we're, we're going to go, we're going to go to a romantic dinner. You know, so I

Charles:
Yeah,

Dan:
just wanted

Charles:
which,

Dan:
to share.

Charles:
which, and you know, all those things, I mean, uh, I love going to movies. I love romantic dinners. I love just, you know, going to my girlfriend's place and hanging out and watching some TV. But those are things, those are activities that you do with people you already know.

Dan:
100%.

Charles:
Those are not, those are not the kind of activities because those are the, those are the kind of activities that if you find yourself with somebody that you're not really into and you're not really enjoying their company. Those things go from being fun to being miserable, like immediately,

Dan:
Yeah. Yeah.

Charles:
where laying out on a towel by the beach or, um, you know, listening to some live music by a band, a local band that you like. I mean, you can, you can kind of, if you need to almost tune out the person that you're with and have a good time anyway.

Dan:
Yeah, you definitely get that enjoyment from the activity in and of itself. So it really doesn't matter. It's the person that you're with. It doesn't really matter that quite that much. You can still have a good time, like you just said. And it just gets that much better if you

Charles:
Exactly.

Dan:
are able to connect

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
with that person. And it provides in an arena where as long as the music's not too loud, you can. connect with them and kind of take that as, as far as you need to, or you can kind of back off and go, okay, we're just gonna listen to the music at this point. Right. And, and so I feel it kind of takes some of the pressure off. So some of those, some of those things are great for, you know, for first dates.

Charles:
Yeah, and you mentioned Hinge. I, for most of my online dating, I didn't use Hinge because it's probably one of the newer ones of the

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
apps that were out there. And, but I did really like the fact that, yeah, those, those prompts that they have are good and you can, you can learn a bit about somebody from those prompts where, you know, some of the other apps. It's really just write your bio and then your bio is what your bio is. And so hinge was good for that. And, and I had, uh, I had success on hinge because I'm a decent writer. I mean, you know, podcast episode notes, notwithstanding I'm a decent writer and, uh, I can, I can, I can put some stuff out there that I think is interesting or funny or, or whatever. And I think that, uh, and that helps your case because again, I'm, uh, I'm not good looking enough. that I can just put a shirtless selfie out on a dating app and expect to get the kind of results that I want. And the other thing is, I don't know that I'm necessarily that attracted to women who are just looking for the best looking

Dan:
Right.

Charles:
shirtless guy. The people that I've met and made connections and friendships and dated from dating apps, we seem to have been drawn to each other based on our mutual communication skills. And, and, you know, I've, I've never dated any woman for any length of time who wasn't very good at communicating by. Text or voice or whatever, like there, I, the, the one thing that every girl I've dated has in common is they were good communicators. And

Dan:
Yeah,

Charles:
so

Dan:
yeah. And, you know, I heard an expression, what you attract them with is what you're going to have to keep them with. So if it's purely physical, then, you know, God forbid you put on a couple of pounds, you get sick, whatever that is, you know, the basis of relationship is purely physical at that point, right? So, um, which is not really a good recipe for anything long term and stable.

Charles:
Yeah, we've talked about that during our time going through this book multiple times where, yeah, if, if you, if you win her with your money, if you win her with your looks, if you win her with your fill in the blank, then you've always got to be worried that there's going to be another guy who has a little bit more of whatever that thing is. He comes along and then, you know, she, she may not be as interested in you, but if you win her with the unique things about your personality and your behavior and the way you think that only you have. then you don't have to worry about that. Cause as long as you're, as long as you're still you, then those things are still going to be attractive to her. And you know, that's

Dan:
Yeah,

Charles:
not to

Dan:
you

Charles:
say

Dan:
know.

Charles:
relationships are going to last forever because you know, they, they don't, but you don't have to constantly be on the, you know, I don't have to be on the, on the guard that, oh no, what if some guy who's more Charles than me comes along? There, there are no guys that are more Charles

Dan:
Right,

Charles:
than

Dan:
right.

Charles:
I am.

Dan:
And you know what's funny? You know what's funny? It's so obvious when it comes to personal relationships, but like you hear this all the time when you're starting your own business and you are, and

Charles:
Hmm.

Dan:
you feel like, Hey, why is anybody going to listen to me? Why is anybody going to take my services for this? Because they can get, you know, from anybody in terms of, you know, what I do. And, and the, but it applies in that respect to people will do business with people that they like. And that comes from their personality. you know, also the way they do things, but nobody's going to be more Charles or Dan than Charles and Dan. We all have our

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
unique experiences and our own unique ways of talking about things. And so this is, you know, an interesting thing to think about here with, you know, as we're building this business with the podcast, as we build our coaching businesses, you know, it's, we're not in competition with anybody. Nobody's in competition with anybody in that respect. It's,

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
you know, it's, you know, where unique people in the same thing comes into play with dating as well.

Charles:
Right. And unless you make the mistake of relying on something about you, that's not all that unique, like, you know,

Dan:
Right, perfect,

Charles:
how, how

Dan:
yeah,

Charles:
tall

Dan:
perfect

Charles:
you

Dan:
example.

Charles:
are, how much money you have, how good looking you

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
are, how muscular you are. I mean, if, if, if that's all you rely on to, to win people over, then, uh, yeah, you do rightly. So you need to always be worried that somebody who's more of that thing than you is going to come along. But if it's,

Dan:
100%.

Charles:
if you're, but if you're as authentic as possible, you never have to worry about somebody coming along who's more authentically you than you.

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
Um, okay. So here's, uh, one of the things he mentions is, you know, there, there is a little bit of a disadvantage for men in online dating. Um, and I'm, we're going to talk about what that is and, and, uh, a way or two that I find, uh, you can sort of get around that. So the effort that it takes to match with somebody on a dating app, uh, and, you know, I'm thinking of particularly, well, just about all of them are swipe left, swipe. swipe right, right? Um, you know, except for maybe match or harmony or something like that. Um, it takes very little effort to do that. It takes very little confidence or boldness for a man to swipe on a woman. And so when you do match with somebody, you've put very little effort in so far. It takes, it doesn't take any, you know, there's no vulnerability there, you know, that you swiped right on somebody. And they swipe right on you and then you're, you're a match and you're going to reach out to them. Um,

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
so because of that, you know, you are kind of fighting with one hand tied behind your back because as we've talked about the thing that makes. Most men attractive to most women is confidence. And so if in your, in your matching or introduction to a woman, you have not. You know, the, the, the most attractive way. to meet a woman is to practice what we call cold approach, where you see her, you walk up to her, and you express your romantic interest in her in a way that is direct and a way that is socially comfortable. You know, you're doing it in a way that makes her feel safe, comfortable, and also attractive. And figuring out a way to do that, which is not a way that I approach or have approached women, but it is. strictly speaking, as far as generating attraction, it is the best way to approach women, to introduce yourself to her in that cold way. And so when you meet somebody online, you're already not meeting her in a way that has demonstrated your confidence or your ability to do something that a lot of men are scared to do.

Dan:
Mm hmm. Yeah.

Charles:
Okay, so your level of attract, of attractiveness to that woman is not going to be as high as if, if you just, you know, start a conversation with her at a coffee shop or at a store or at a restaurant or whatever. Um, and so that is something that is working against you. So what can you do about that? Um, here's, here's one way that I dealt with that. And I didn't know that I was doing that when I did it back, back when I was single and I was online dating. But what I found was if a girl, within her profile shared her Instagram or her Snapchat, then I, if I was fairly interested in her, I would go send her a message on one of those apps and I would say, Hey, I just saw you on such and such dating app. I liked what you had to say, or I found this thing about this picture interesting or whatever. Instagram, I had the best luck because I would DM her on Instagram and I would say, Hey, I saw you on this app. I thought this was interesting or I'd like to get to know you. Take a look at my profile. And if you're interested in getting together, say hi. And it is, it's a pretty easy, low, low investment way to reach out to somebody, but it is one additional step beyond just swiping right on her profile picture

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
or on her, on her dating profile. And. I had pretty good success with that. I would get a fairly high number of responses that would then lead to a first date. And it may not lead to anything beyond the first date, but it would often lead to at least, yeah, let's make plans to get together because I'd like to get to know you. And so I would recommend doing that if, now number one, you gotta have an Instagram profile that's worth looking at and that might draw people in. But number two, you've gotta be willing to stick your neck out at least a little bit to send that first message that knowing that she may, I mean, she could look at your profile and say, Oh, no, thanks. Don't, don't message me again. Or she could not respond at all. Or she could block you. I mean, there's a whole lot of things that could happen there, but I still felt that it was low enough investment that I didn't feel uncomfortable doing it.

Dan:
Yeah. And I mean, you picked up what she was putting down. I mean, clearly if they're going to list some sort of social profile on their, you know, on, on their dating profile, it's, it's either for one of two reasons. One, it's a little bit of a test to see if you're really interested or two, you know, she, she could just try to get more followers and, you know, create, become an influencer. But most of the time I think, you know, it's, it's, it's just basically a, hey, Um, so it's a great way of, of both testing and allowing her then to get more information about you. And I think that that strategy is, is valid because a lot of the dating apps now allow you to add your Instagram profile right into the dating app so that people don't even need to leave the dating app in order to get more information about, about that person these days. So.

Charles:
Yeah. So that's, uh, that's one of the ways I recommend sort of, um, at least being able to clue her in a little bit to the idea that, Hey, I'm, I'm confident enough to stick my neck out a little bit. I'm gonna, I'm going to go ahead and start this conversation off and

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
you know, she's free to ignore it, block you, whatever, but she's also free to notice, Oh, okay. So this guy, this guy's interested. And he was willing to send me a message that said he was interested. So, um,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
I would, I would recommend doing that. again in circumstances where you can because not everybody is going to list their Instagram profile name or whatever. So that's something I would say keep in mind. Let's see what else did I have to say about There was one other thought I had about online dating that I did want to share. Um, you know, I do think that. Yeah. Hinge, hinge, bumble are, are certainly better than Tinder at least used to be for meeting people in a way that, uh, you could know a little bit more about what you were getting into before you suggested that first date, um, Tinder is what it is. I've met people and had friendships with them, dating relationships, casual dating, but for the most part, I would say people are gonna be a little bit more serious on your bumbles and your hinges than they are going to be on Tinder.

Dan:
Yeah. What's your feeling on textationships?

Charles:
Well, first, I don't know what it means. And second, I'll tell you after I know what it means.

Dan:
Yeah, I heard it. So, yeah, I've seen a couple of profiles related like I'm not interested in a textationship, meaning they don't want a relationship over text or, you know, just chatting on the social forever on the online dating profile. So textationship,

Charles:
Ah, yes.

Dan:
right? Yeah.

Charles:
Yeah, I'm glad you asked. My advice to guys is if you're not asking for, if you don't move the conversation to logistics for a first date within the first five messages you send, then you're wasting your time. And so I would say, and occasionally I would get pushback on that from women of, wait, I wanna get to know you first a little bit before we meet in person, and then. Essentially, what I said in a nice way was, OK, well, I've gotten to know enough about you through that statement that you're not the kind of person that I'm looking to meet. You know, the way I see it, meeting for a happy hour drink or meeting for a cup of coffee in a public place is a very low risk, low investment activity. Because, you know, when I was drinking, you know, there was a good chance that I was going to be going out and having a drink around happy hour once a week anyway. So doing that while I'm meeting somebody new from a dating app was not, that wasn't stretching my schedule or stretching my effort. I was probably going to meet somebody for happy hour drinks once a week anyway. So I didn't see that as a, as a, uh, an encumbrance or a hardship. I was going to, I was going to do that that week anyway. So, or, you know, certainly sitting in a coffee shop and having a cup of coffee while I'm playing on my phone and listening to the background noise in the coffee shop or doing some work. I was going to do that anyway. So if I just add the component of meeting some girl that I met on a dating app, then again, I'm not, there's no hardship. That's something that is making something that I find fun a little bit more fun. So, um, the idea is, yeah, if, if you're asking for a casual date in a public place very early in the conversation and you're saying, here's the time, here's the day, here's the place I'd like you to join me, what do you say? And they're like, Whoa, slow down. Then they're not that interested in you. Is it at least that's the way that I see it. And. Um,

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
my, what, what I put in my pictures and what I put up my profile, that's enough for, in my opinion, and my opinion is really the only one that matters. That's enough for you to decide whether I'm worth sitting across the table for an hour and having a conversation with. If, if what I put in my profile and my pictures isn't enough to convince you, then we're probably not going to be a good match.

Dan:
I totally agree with that. I also move fairly quickly to just say, okay, look, let's, you know, I've seen, and the profiles now are so, I don't wanna say refined, but they've been tuned in to really let you get at least a basic idea of people if your picker is well-tuned in terms of you are choosing. you know, people that, you know, you've seen enough pictures that you, you believe that that's what they actually look like. They filled things out the way you think somebody that you're into would do that. At that point, it's almost a waste of time to try to have a conversation on the phone or a video chat or whatever, because you are then diluting the potential of a connection. And I really believe that humans need to be with each other in the same room, especially when we're looking at, for business it's one thing to do a Zoom call when you're not looking

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
to make any kind of deep connection with people, but

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
we are completely eliminating our humanness, our physical and mental capabilities of leveraging our intuition when we don't meet with people. face to face and in person.

Charles:
Yeah.

Dan:
So I'm the same way. I push fairly quickly and really just use the phone as a tool for coordinating a meetup, a, you know, scheduling things, a date and time, whatever. And I don't, I'm not interested in texting all night. I mean, I'll be honest with you, even when I'm dating, you know, and I'm in a relationship with somebody, I don't enjoy texting all day or, you know, over a couple of things here and there, but I'd much rather either talk to them in person or, you know, or on the phone a conversation is great too. But again, texting for just building a relationship and banter and everything else like that. Then I feel like you're actually establishing a connection with the other person and literally the phone and their phone and it's not really tied to you at that point in a human way. And, you know, Campbell even talks about in this chapter, how a lot of times, you know, guys will have these full on relationship or men and women would have these full on relationships online or, you know, over text and stuff. And then they end up deciding that they're not going to ever meet and that it's just that they're going to go and see other people. And it's because that connection there isn't, you know, it's not there in person or when they do meet in person. They're completely different people because the way they behave online is a relationship between you and your computer or your phone. It is not a relationship necessarily, you know, and, and, and, and what's in, and the physical things that are being displayed there, it is not a relationship with that other person in, in, in of itself. And the way you handle yourself in person is much different than the way you handle yourself with an inanimate object that is not threatening. And there is no emotions or movement or anything else that's coming from. And so a lot of times people

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
are completely different in person versus off.

Charles:
Yeah. And you know, the, the thing to remember too, is that, um, there's a lot of people on dating apps that have no interest in actually going on a date with somebody there on there to either window shop because it's fun or they would like to get a little bit of an ego boost from the amount of people that are swiping right on them. And, you know, you, you don't know. whether or not you're talking to one of those people until you're sitting in front of them at a coffee shop or in a bar having that first date. So that's the other reason that I recommend not putting a lot of time, not investing a ton of time into somebody through, you know, texting or messaging in the app until you meet them in person. And then, you know, once, once you're in a relationship with somebody, then you can decide how much of a part of that relationship you want the texting or whatever to be. But You know, when it, when it comes to the very beginning of it, yeah, you should, you should really push things to be in person as much as possible so that you can get the full experience of a person and decided this is somebody that you want to continue seeing or, or, or not continue seeing because yeah, the way you come across in text, one thing I will say, and, and I would say this is probably an issue for the, um, I've had this a couple of times, but I think the, the best looking among us probably, um, are challenged with this the most. Sometimes. If a girl wants to have a a FaceTime or video chat with you, part of that could just be to see if you're actually the person from the pictures

Dan:
Mm-hmm

Charles:
and and so I am not opposed to a a brief video chat just to you know, hey, yes, I am the person from the pictures. No, I don't live in refrigerator box under the overpass. You know, that's okay. I would not spend hours on a video chat with somebody, but if somebody asks for it and

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
you're willing to do it, I would respond

Dan:
Sure.

Charles:
to it, respond to it that you're available at a time in your schedule that you honestly don't have a ton of time to do it. You can be like, you know, hey, I'm getting ready to head out the door to meet some friends, but I've got five minutes right now if you wanna have a quick video call just to... verify that I have the number of eyes and teeth and so forth

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
that I have in my profile. That's fine. Let's go ahead and do it. Are you free now?

Dan:
Yep.

Charles:
I would be more than willing to do something like that. But the idea of having long FaceTime chats with somebody before we've ever met in person, no, I'm not really that interested because again, I think that who I am comes across best. when you're in a room with me, not when I'm coming to you from a Zoom session or a FaceTime session.

Dan:
All right. Yep. No, I agree.

Charles:
Let's see the other thing guys don't Don't doctor your pictures don't filter your pictures don't Photoshop the hell out of your pictures I have I have gone on dates with people that did not look all that much like they looked in their dating app and You know sometimes in person they were I Mean In some cases on their, on their dating app profile, they were an eight or a nine and when I met him in person, they were a six or seven and in those cases, it's like, I would still have wanted to go out with you even if you looked like you looked in your, in your picture. But the fact that you looked so different in your pictures and how you look in real life is kind of a, kind of a red flag for me, like you, like. It's not just a matter of I'm going to take this photo from the most flattering angle or something like that. I got no problem with that. But the fact that it's like, clearly you have selected and processed these photos in a way to, to communicate something about your appearance that isn't at all the way you look in real life, that does give me a little bit of, uh, of pause and that concerns me. And that, that does tell me, okay, you might not be the kind of person that I, I want to be in a relationship with.

Dan:
Right again, authenticity, honesty, vulnerability.

Charles:
Yeah. So, so definitely, you know, have, have pictures that you like and pictures that look good, but also have friends in your life that you can show them to who will tell you that's a good looking picture, but that looks nothing like how you look in real life.

Dan:
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Charles:
And then don't

Dan:
I hope,

Charles:
you,

Dan:
yeah, it's.

Charles:
yeah, don't use a picture like that because yeah, you're, I mean, what do you expect to happen? I mean, do you really, you're not going to be able to, you know, it's like lying about your height. I mean, okay, that's that, that might work at the beginning, but how long do you expect this, uh, the subterfuge to last and how much do you

Dan:
Right.

Charles:
expect it to serve you?

Dan:
I mean, you know, that's, that's the one thing I think, I don't know if we talked about that, but you know, you really can't change your height yet. Um, you know, with surgery

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
yet, uh, but like, you know, also, are you gained a few pounds or if you lost a few pounds, what, you know, that, that is, you know, yeah, you can, you can do that again. That's, that's not the problem with height though.

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
I don't understand that one at all.

Charles:
Yeah, I mean the idea of, uh, okay, I'll never, I'll just never be around her when I don't have lifts in my shoes or, uh, you know, I,

Dan:
I wasn't

Charles:
I don't

Dan:
gonna

Charles:
know

Dan:
be wearing

Charles:
what the,

Dan:
heels.

Charles:
yeah, I don't know what the long-term strategy is that of that is, uh, if the long-term strategy is, well, I'll lie about it to get my foot in the door and then I'll show her how cool I am and how fun I am. And then she won't care that I lied. Good luck fellas. If that's your strategy, I don't see that working, uh, because. No matter how many centimeters or inches tall you are, you'll always be a liar.

Dan:
Yeah, you know, and if it's to be able to come up in more matching searches because you've changed the height range that you're in, the problem with that is the people who are, you know, have that range, it's for a reason, right? It's not like they willy-nilly like, oh, accept anything, because if they would, then you would come up with your normal height, right?

Charles:
Right. Yeah. And I mean, look, you know, I, I find a fair amount of, uh, bitching and moaning online by guys about girls that say they only want to date guys who are six feet tall. And I think, I think that's a good thing. I don't think it's, you know, a morally right or wrong thing, but if a girl has determined, Hey, for me to be happy in a relationship, I want a guy who's six feet tall or taller. then that's good. I don't want to be in a relationship with a, with a girl who would only be happy with a partner who's six feet tall. And I'm not that. And then she's out of guilt or societal pressure. She feels like she has to pretend like she's okay. Dating a guy who's five foot eight. Um, that's not good for either of us. And so whenever somebody has a preference that they have worked out and decided on and have been willing to put out there to say, this is something I require. That's a good thing for the whole dating pool. That's

Dan:
Yes.

Charles:
better. I want people who, you know, if a girl only wants to date guys that are taller than six feet or only wants to date blondes or only wants to date guys that don't have facial hair, then me knowing that early on and not even being on her radar is a good thing for both of us.

Dan:
You know, and it'd be different if there were no other women out there.

Charles:
Right, exactly.

Dan:
You know, not all of them want them at say, or demand that they're at six feet. Maybe, maybe a lot of them prefer them to be that way, but certainly not all of them demand it and, and, and not definitely not all of them prefer it either. You know? So, so yeah, you know, when, when people are complaining about this, you know, everybody's like this or, or I'm not getting anything because of that. You know, that's, it's an excuse. Uh, I feel like it's

Charles:
Yes,

Dan:
an excuse

Charles:
100%.

Dan:
to make yourself feel better. It makes it's an excuse to, to kind of be able to throw your hands up and give up and to not, you know, but I think for 99% of the people out there, you can find somebody who's going to be attracted to you and love you.

Charles:
Yeah, it's, it's definitely, yeah. I do find that, uh, when guys are belly aching on Reddit about their, their bad luck in the dating game, they often want to credit their bad luck to something about them that they can't change.

Dan:
Hmm

Charles:
Like, you know, Oh, I can't meet women cause I'm too short. I can't meet women cause I'm too bald. I can't meet women. You know, it's never, I can't meet women because I have a boring life. I'm not exciting to be around and I'm not much of a conversationalist. Nobody ever. you know, jumps on Reddit to complain that that's why they they're having bad luck. Like it's never, uh, you know, um, I choose to be this way and women don't like that. And so I'm having bad luck because I won't choose to be the other way.

Dan:
No,

Charles:
It's always,

Dan:
you could...

Charles:
it's, it's

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
not my fault. It's beyond my control, blah, blah, blah.

Dan:
Yeah, I mean, and it's a simple fix. All I have to do is throw the word yet in there. I have yet to meet a woman who likes bald men. I have yet to meet a woman who likes men who are under five, six, whatever that is, you know, but to me, just throwing the little word of yet in there, I mean, okay. You realize you're not, you're not totally giving up and thinking like there's something inherently flawed that you stand no chance of ever finding somebody.

Charles:
Yeah. And, and like we've, we've identified in this book multiple times. I mean, women are interested for the most part, you know, when it comes to heterosexual women who are looking for men to date, they want men who are strong and masculine. And they, there are numerous ways to demonstrate strength and masculinity. And some of them are easy. If you're super tall, then you get a little bit of credit

Dan:
Mmm.

Charles:
for being strong and masculine without having to do anything else. If you're not tall, then you have to figure out other ways to communicate strength and masculinity besides how many inches from the ground your nose is. And there are certainly ways to do that. And, uh, you know, certainly, um, hitting the gym is one of them. I mean, if, if I see a, a tall lanky guy who looks like he couldn't probably do a pushup or I see a short guy who looks like, I was thinking about this guy the other day. Remember the short guy from Pumping Iron, where he was this guy who basically when he flexed his lats, it looked like he was a bat. Basically, and I think he was only like five, five or five, six. I forget what his name was, but the

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
the lat muscles on this guy were just ridiculous. It looked like he had a set of wings.

Dan:
Yeah, yeah.

Charles:
And, you know, if... If things got dicey in downtown Orlando, I would much rather have that guy next to me than the guy who's six foot four and looks like a string bean.

Dan:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, the good thing is, the good thing is too, is that women also are not that visually focused when it comes to attraction. They, I mean, not as much as men are. And so they will look for other indicators of masculinity. And a lot of that does come through talking to that, talking to the men, personalities, and testing them in ways that also help them understand how masculine or how much of a protector or how, you know, you know,

Charles:
Yes.

Dan:
what kind of person that you are, it is not just purely physical. Now, like what you said, if you're taller or more muscular, you do have, you know, you've got a head start because you're already communicating some sort of leadership and masculinity just from the visual appearance. But the good thing is that is not where it ends for most women. They, they,

Charles:
Yes,

Dan:
you know,

Charles:
unless...

Dan:
and that's the things, yeah. The, if you need, if you're tall or, you know, you're really muscular, but then, you know, you, you are, you act in a way that is not confident, that is disingenuous and not authentic. Yeah. You, you know, you, you might be good for a romp, but that's all it is. That's, you're not going to get a

Charles:
Right.

Dan:
relationship.

Charles:
And that's the thing. And if it, and one thing that many guys will make the mistake of, if you're, if you're not tall, if you're not good looking, if you're not muscular, but you're limiting yourself to meeting women at one o'clock on a Friday night in a bar or just on Tinder, then you're not going to get the results that you want because you're, you're putting yourself in situations where the most prized attributes are not the attributes that you have where

Dan:
Well said.

Charles:
You know, so, so figure out what your strengths are and then figure out where women who are more likely to appreciate those strengths are going to be. And again, if you know, the, the best looking guy in the bar at one 30 on a Saturday night is probably going to have an advantage over the best, over the most witty communicator in the bar on Saturday night at one 30, the witty communicator at one 30 on a Saturday night in a loud dance club, isn't going to be able to employ his strengths to meet anybody or make an impression on anybody. where the tall, good looking guy is just, all he has to do is walk around with a drink in his hand and women are going to notice him in that scenario. So figure out what your strengths are and what settings can amplify those strengths. And then that's where you go to look for women.

Dan:
Right, so great, let's flip this on its head and the witty communicator who's doing some improv standup, at night, in a club is gonna do a lot better than just a really good looking guy who really isn't funny and doesn't communicate well in the same club, right? So

Charles:
No, absolutely. Yes.

Dan:
environment, environment takes, is a big thing here too. And so keep that in mind in terms of the type of people that go to these type of environments.

Charles:
Right. Yeah. I mean, look, when I mean the, the, the reality of it is, you know, the couple of times that, uh, I've taken a, a standup class at the improv and at the end of that class, we get to do a show on the stage at the improv. When I'm up on the stage and I'm the only one in the room that's talking into a microphone, um,

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
and I'm killing it. There, there's no guy in the audiences is as attractive as I am while I'm up on the stage, killing into

Dan:
Right.

Charles:
a microphone, no

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
matter what he looks like. There's no guy that's as attractive as I am. And so. Yeah. You gotta, you gotta just figure out what your, what your strengths are and put yourself in situations where you get to showcase those and then not put yourself in situations where, okay, this, this environment really, I, there's nothing going on for me in this environment. So when I have bad luck in this environment, I'm going to really let it affect me and bother me. It's like, no, that's ridiculous. If you're. If you're the world's greatest race car driver and you find yourself in a sailing regatta and you don't know how to sail and then you come in last place, you don't, you know, just, you know, fold your arms and look down and say, I'm worthless. I'm not good at anything. It's like, no, you're putting yourself in a situation where you're not building on your strengths and you're having a negative result. And then you're acting surprised and disappointed by your negative result. That's silly.

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Charles:
So there we are. Okay, next week, let's talk about using social media to your advantage. And holy cow, I am gonna have a lot to speak on this because I have, I wouldn't say friends, but I have acquaintances and friends in the terms of social media friends, friends on Facebook, people I follow on Instagram, that it looks like someone is paying them to be as unattractive as they possibly can on their social

Dan:
Ha ha!

Charles:
media. I mean, based on the things, the kinds of things they post and the frequency that they post with, it's almost like someone said, Hey, let's see how you can make yourself as unattractive to women as possible using your social media. And they said, okay, here we go.

Dan:
Yeah.

Charles:
And, uh, I will talk about what some of those, if you want to call them strategies, look like some of those shouldn'ts and don't do some of those don'ts, what they look like in next week's episode.

Dan:
Looking forward to that.

Charles:
All right. I will speak to you later, Dan. Have a good week.

Dan:
All right, you too. Have a good one.

Charles:
Bye.

Dan:
Bye bye.