Mindfully Masculine: Personal Growth and Mental Health for Men
Charles and Dan are just two guys talking about relationships, masculinity, and authenticity. Join them as they discuss books and media, as well as their (sometimes messy) personal stories, to encourage men to join the fight for their mental, physical, and emotional health--because a world of healthy, resilient men is a thriving and more secure world for everyone.
Mindfully Masculine: Personal Growth and Mental Health for Men
How Words of Affirmation Can Transform Your Relationship
Welcome to the Mindfully Masculine Podcast! In this episode, Charles and Dan explore how the love language of words of affirmation can profoundly impact your relationship. As part of their ongoing series on the five love languages for men, this episode delves into the nuances of expressing love verbally and the transformative effects it can have.
Charles begins the episode by sharing his personal journey with the five love languages. After taking the full assessment on Gary Chapman’s website, he discovered that his primary love language is words of affirmation. Dan, on the other hand, reveals that words of affirmation are secondary for him, tied with quality time.
They discuss the importance of understanding your partner’s love language and how words of affirmation can help build a stronger emotional connection. Charles and Dan emphasize the significance of sincere and specific compliments, explaining that genuine appreciation for your partner’s choices and efforts can strengthen your bond.
The episode also touches on the potential pitfalls of using humor and sarcasm inappropriately when giving compliments. They highlight the importance of a warm and sincere tone to ensure that your words of affirmation are well-received and meaningful.
Charles and Dan offer practical tips on how to incorporate words of affirmation into your daily interactions. They suggest making a list of positive qualities and actions to compliment your partner on and emphasize the value of specific and heartfelt praise.
The conversation shifts to the potential dangers of manipulation when using words of affirmation. They caution against using compliments strategically to influence your partner’s behavior and stress the importance of authenticity in your expressions of love.
In a poignant moment, they discuss the impact of tone and delivery on the effectiveness of words of affirmation. They remind listeners that even a well-intentioned compliment can fall flat if delivered with a negative tone or attitude.
Charles and Dan also explore the idea of encouraging your partner in their personal growth and endeavors. They emphasize the importance of supporting your partner’s dreams and aspirations without imposing your own desires on them.
The episode concludes with practical advice on how to make requests rather than demands in your relationship. Charles and Dan explain that framing your needs as requests fosters a more cooperative and respectful dynamic, enhancing mutual understanding and intimacy.
Key Takeaways: Understanding and speaking your partner’s love language, particularly words of affirmation, can significantly enhance your relationship. Genuine, specific, and heartfelt compliments are more impactful than generic praise. Avoid using humor or sarcasm in ways that might undermine your affirmations. Authenticity and sincerity are crucial in expressing love verbally. Making requests rather than demands fosters a healthier and more cooperative relationship dynamic.
Join Charles and Dan in this insightful episode as they unpack the power of words of affirmation and share practical tips to transform your relationship.
Be sure to subscribe to the Mindfully Masculine Podcast on your preferred podcast app, and check us out on YouTube for full video episodes. Let us know your thoughts and experiences with love languages in the comments. Enjoy the episode!
Tags: #LoveLanguages #WordsOfAffirmation #RelationshipAdvice #Men #Podcast #MindfullyMasculine #SelfHelp #Marriage #Communication #PersonalDevelopment
Welcome to the Mindfully Masculine Podcast. This is Charles. Okay, so this is our second episode in our series on five love languages for men, and this is the first episode that you'll hear me promise to take the premium assessment on the five love languages website, and you'll hear me promise that I'm going to take this several times in the upcoming episodes, but I finally done it, so I wanted to put that in the intro to this episode. I took the full assessment for $35 on Gary Chapman's website, fivelovelanguagescom, and it turns out that my primary love language is words of affirmation. My secondary languages are physical touch and quality time, and then acts of service and receiving gifts round out the five. So that's where I'm at. Just keep that in mind, as you hear me continually to promise I'm going to take this test. I'm going to take this test while I finally took it. So I'm a words of affirmation guy. That is my most preferred love language and this episode is words of affirmation. So please enjoy and follow us or subscribe on your chosen podcast app, and also check out our full video episodes that you can find on YouTube.
Charles:Good afternoon Charles, hello Dan, and welcome back. How was your lunch break? Fantastic, my coffee's delicious. Yeah, I only had coffee for my lunch break too.
Charles:I think I might the waistline says thank you, I'm going to when we're done with this episode. I've got to head out and run some errands down in my neck of the woods. I haven't been to a fresh kitchen for a while. I think I'm going to do one of their bowls for lunch today. Those are usually really good. Yeah, even though my realization that their cauliflower mash is not just made out of cauliflower, it's made out of cauliflower and potatoes, that took some of it away.
Dan:Yeah, I hate to have been the bearer of bad news for that one.
Charles:It never made sense how it tasted so good, and now I know it's because it has potatoes in it. There's no way you could just make cauliflower that good, right, yeah, but yeah, maybe I'll do the cauliflower rice or one of the one of the other choices, but boy, their bowls are so tasty, let's see. I did want to mention that it's been a big day around the world because last night was the first first concert for taylor swift since she released her latest album, and so there were like six or seven songs from the new album and the internet was abuzz. I don't know why I'm telling you like you don't already know, because I don't already know. The Swiftyverse was very excited all day yesterday and, yeah, I'm even more looking forward to seeing her in concert in August, hoping that everything works out okay.
Dan:Did you ever get any information back from StubHub?
Charles:No, I need to follow up with them again. They told me to give it a couple of weeks if I didn't hear from them to call them back, and my order number is like my case number. So I'm going to follow up in probably a few days. But there were people in Paris last night attending the show with StubHub tickets who had no problem. Oh great, yeah, so that's a good indicator that I might not have a problem either, though I have heard that the rules for the secondary ticket market, aka scalpers, austria is about the most strict of all the countries over there. So it's not 100% guaranteed that just because it worked in France, it'll work for me. But I I hope that I don't run into any issues and, again, I'm not worried about being out. The money They'll they'll refund. If I have any problem getting to the show, they'll give me the money back.
Dan:But yeah, the show. The show is the more valuable heart, Otherwise you wouldn't be trading the money for it.
Charles:Exactly, I got on my ticket, so I yeah. If I don't get to attend the show while I'm on my European vacation, then that means I'm going in when she gets back into America. I'm going to either the Miami or the new Orleans show, and it's going to be a lot more money, so we'll see how it works out. But, uh, I am still cautiously optimistic. Okay, so you and I we're going to do the second episode in our series on the five love languages for men, and during our break, you and I both went through and took the test. I took the free version of the test, where I only know my primary love language. You took the fancy upgraded version of the test. So now you know all of your love languages. Right In order. Yep, where did words of affirmation fit for you?
Dan:Words of affirmation actually is a secondary for me, so that's the second highest Okay, and that's tied actually quality time.
Charles:Okay, so quality time and words of affirmation are are your two and three or three and two Gotcha.
Dan:Well, I would say two and two.
Charles:Okay, yeah, just looking at your results, do you think that they're accurate? Absolutely, does it feel yeah?
Dan:But it's funny, as I was taking it, I felt like some levels of guilt when there were certain things, certain questions asked in a certain way for me.
Charles:Oh, you felt like I should appreciate that more than I do, Uh than.
Dan:I do Uh-huh, or I shouldn't appreciate this as much as I do.
Charles:Oh, okay, interesting. So it was around gift giving Okay.
Dan:So there were some questions about gifts. I was surprised.
Charles:Yeah, it was Made you feel better than you thought that they would, or made you feel like, oh, I'm more attracted to that than I feel like I should be.
Dan:Yeah, I mean it still came in as last ultimately, but based on some of the answers I was given, I felt like I was. I was answering a lot saying I prefer the gift over a lot of these other things.
Charles:What was your number four?
Dan:My number four was physical touch.
Charles:Really, I thought that was going to be your number one.
Dan:I thought it was too for a while. So what's your number one? Number one is acts of service.
Charles:No way.
Dan:You know what we're talking about, our childhood growing up, right? Well, my mom every time I helped my mom, she that's that's around the house. She really tried to get me to help her around the house and do things whatever, and she really made me feel loved when I would do those things mowing the lawn or cleaning the room or helping her in the kitchen or whatever it was. And it makes sense to me, the same thing going over to see my family growing up. In Germany, too, they're very much on doing things, being active during the day, doing things around the house, in the yard, whatever it is, and then we all get to sit down and we have a nice meal together. We talk about what we've done and how we do it, and that's how my family's always kind of expressed love is through acts of service.
Charles:That's interesting, though it didn't occur to me, though, until I took this quiz. Clear this up for me, because what it sounded to me like when you were just saying that, it sounded more like your mother rewarded your acts of service with words of affirmation.
Dan:Yes, but she would also correct. But she would also do things for me. If she if, like I, was preparing something, something for school and I like a project she might pull out some sort of weird knickknack or object or tool that she had squirreled away somewhere that's got a real, specific purpose and to help me out or to make things a little bit easier. So, and my grandmother was the same way Like when it came to packing, a lot of times my grandmother would give us these gifts. When we were over there and we didn't have the weight or the room to spare in our luggage, Grandmother would. She would, almost would pack our, our bags like some professional and and it was just, yeah, it was was amazing, like how well she'd be able to fit everything in these bags. Just no way you look at it and think it would fit. So these little things and they operated that way. It made me feel loved.
Charles:All right. Well now, I'm jealous of you that you have all this insight and deeper information than I do, so I'm going to have to buy the $35 full report too. Now, I mean to offset that a little bit.
Dan:I did so there's additional questions too. Oh, there's more questions.
Charles:Yeah, so that also did help. Yeah, I bought this book on eBay used for like $3.
Dan:So I guess I don't feel as bad about throwing $35 to Chapman for the you get a 15-page report out of it too. 15 pages, holy cow. You get a one-page summary and then you get 15 pages. I haven't even read the 15 pages yet. Wow, okay, well, that's not too bad. And then there's additional questions. You answer yeah. So we only answered, I think, 20% of the questions in that first part, just to get to the primary.
Charles:Oh, wow okay, the.
Charles:Okay, interesting. So I took I've taken this test now three times in the last two days. Okay, when I took it yesterday, my number one was words of affirmation. When I took it today, it came up physical touch both times. So now I don't know, believe Maybe you need to do the full one. Yeah, I mean, it seems like. It seems like I kind of do. Yeah, it seems like just doing it willy-nilly like this. I mean, I I assumed that words of affirmation would be very high and I assumed that physical touch would be very high, but I I didn't know for sure which one would be higher than the other. When I took it yesterday, I was like, oh, okay, words of affirmation, I could see that. And I took it today and I was like, oh, physical touch, I could see that. And when I took it today and I was like, oh, physical touch, I could see that. But maybe when I take the full version it won't be either of those. So that'll be interesting to see.
Charles:There is a quote in here that I really like from Mark Twain where he said I lived for two months on a good compliment. And look, I can. Certainly there are compliments I have received from women that I was in significant long-term relationships with. I can still think back right now, literally years in the past, of something they said where we were when they said it, what I was wearing when they said it, how I felt when they said it, and it just it's, it's, it's stuck in there, it ain't going anywhere, yeah.
Charles:And so, yeah, that is definitely a an important part of a relationship for me is is hearing those kinds of things verbally offered and physical touch, and we'll we'll get into a little bit more about physical touch when we get to that chapter. But he makes the point that the sexual touch is only one of the many dialects of physical touch, and so I think a lot of men might assume that physical touch is their relationship. But if it's their love language, but if that just means, hey, I like having sex a lot, that doesn't necessarily mean the physical touch is your love language. That just means you like having sex a lot.
Dan:Yeah, for me it was thinking I love massages and yes, that could be sexual and also very relaxing. For me it was thinking because I love massages and, yes, that could be sexual and also very relaxing. I love getting my head scratched and my back scratched so and to me that. So I always thought physical touch was definitely either one or two for me, so I was kind of surprised it came in at four when I was answering all these yeah.
Charles:Yeah, I would be surprised that it would be that low for you as well. No-transcript on the list, then this is certainly a way that the love tank gets filled right, and it may or may not be an easy thing for you and your partner to do, depending on what your history and your background and what feels natural, what feels right to you is. He does mention men who are the strong, silent type, which you can argue whether that's a societal conditioning or a family system conditioning, but I would say that it's mostly cultural, because there's plenty of other cultures where men were very open about expressing their affection and love for people, whether that's through just spontaneously communicating that through verbal language or writing poems, writing stories, I mean that is. That is a thing that was by many cultures in the not distant past was considered extremely masculine to write a poem or write love letters to your, your partner. Frequently it's like there was it's it's a relatively new phenomena that we look at those things as being emasculant for some reason where, yeah, throughout human history, stuff like that was not seen that way, and I think that's interesting how, how things change that way and they change so completely that when you're born at a time where that's not a regular thing, that's encouraged for men, we immediately jump to oh, that's, that's. That's not how men are evolved, that's what men are supposed to be. It's like that's not what men are right now in the West for the last 70 years. But then just assuming, well, we figured it out now the way we do everything today is the best way to do things, that does seem like a little bit of the hubris of that my, your, your, uh, period bias. It's like oh, the period I'm in is the one where we've got everything figured out, we're doing everything right, where sometimes that's correct and sometimes it's not so correct.
Charles:Let's talk about yeah. So if you are not a guy that's comfortable expressing your feelings, expressing your emotions verbally to someone, because you don't feel like that's a safe activity to engage in, so you might have to train yourself to be a words of affirmation giver. If, if it feels particularly risky for you to say anywhere again, we're not talking about just service level compliments We'll get to the difference between flattery and other way, other dialects of how to speak your, your words of affirmation to someone. But yeah, if it, if it takes a lot out of you or even a significant amount out of you to offer words of affirmation and you don't get a response that you're hoping for. When that happens, it can be, it can be pretty painful. Particularly, one of the things that he does mention in this book is if that's your love language and you try to express yourself in your own love language and it's rejected, then it's going to hurt even more what you're I couldn't imagine. Couldn't imagine what that must feel like. I can't think of a concrete example.
Dan:Yeah, I mean it's good because he talks about the different dialects, so there's a few different ways that you can get started in this love language with words of affirmation. So he gets a little bit specific and he talks about words of encouragement, kind words and humble words are all different ways that you can start to at least practice words them, whether that is a particular action a particular response, or you're using that compliment to shape the way they think of you, so that down the road you can get what you need to from them.
Charles:And he does make a great point that the more flattery your wife has been exposed to, the better she will be at recognizing and dismissing it, which is essentially saying, okay, either the more attractive she is or the higher performer that she is at. Whatever, then, the more likely people who want to be in her presence have told her what they think she wants to hear, and so your job is going to be even more difficult in coming up with words of affirmation, and particularly those kind words that are really about giving to her and not giving to get.
Dan:Yeah, and I think that comes down to being specific, not giving a generic compliment. Oh, like you look good in that dress, great choice on the color. Try to get a little bit more specific. Or I like the way you designed this thing. If she's redesigning a room or something like that, try to be very specific with what you want to compliment on and obviously it should be sincere. It shouldn't be just you giving a compliment because you feel obligated to give compliments either.
Charles:Yeah, and I mean we've we covered this a little bit when it comes to dating, when we were covering atomic attraction, which is women are very used to getting compliments on things about themselves that they didn't pick or they didn't decide, they just inherited. Yes, and those are going to mean significantly less when you compliment someone on the fact that they won a particular piece of the genetic lottery. That is not going to resonate with them as much as complimenting them on a choice they've made, right.
Dan:Because there was no effort. She doesn't have a choice in the way she looks, her eye color, her height, things like that Right, but the type of clothes that she chose, the decoration she used Right. The decoration she used and I think part of that, too, is what you're doing is you're expressing and communicating your feelings about something to her, and I think that is where the benefit is is you are, then, being vulnerable and you're sharing your true feelings about something, and you are allowing her to get to know who you are and what you like and what you don't like as well, and I think that just builds intimacy.
Charles:Yes, it does build intimacy. And what does not build intimacy, or what gets in the way of intimacy, is, if you have a little bit of fear or apprehension about offering that compliment, so you do so in a way that puts a little bit of humor in there, so you give yourself the out of oh, I was just kidding If it doesn't go over the way you want it to and you get to back out of it.
Dan:I mean number one there's nothing less attractive than a guy who does something like that but also your efforts to throw a little humor in with this, this compliment, this word of affirmation, can really do some damage, especially if words of affirmation are her, is her primary love language yeah, and one of the things that resonated with me what what he said in this book was that even if she kind of laughs it off and takes it like a champ, you don't know on the inside what kind of effect that that joke, that piece of sarcastic humor actually had on her. She could be hiding that from you and that could be chipping away at connection with you?
Charles:oh, certainly, the more she has to hide yeah, the fact thing, something you say bothers her, yeah the less connected she's going to be, and he uses the example of a lot of guys growing up.
Dan:We tease each other when we're together, when it comes to hanging out or when we're playing sports together, and we'll tease each other. But if I think back and I think about the friends, the guys who I feel closest with at that time, yeah, they may have, you know, busted my balls once in a while, but it was a once in a while thing. It wasn't a consistent habit. The guys who consistently had nothing but sarcastic things to say yeah, I, what they, they, they became acquaintances that would curate their way out of your life.
Charles:A hundred percent, absolutely. Yeah, you'll do. Absolutely. Yeah, you'll do the same, yeah, I think. I think it's the Gottmans that say that you have to have a a four or five to one ratio of positive interactions with your partner to negative interactions. And yeah, if you don't, then then things start tipping into the side, where breakups and separations are much more likely to occur.
Charles:He does recommend that you should be on the lookout for the kinds of choices and things about your partner that they do, that you can basically make a list to save for later, so that, I mean, it's valuable to tell them in the moment, certainly, but it's also valuable to make a note of it so that you can share it down the road. One of the things he says that I absolutely disagree with and there's a couple of things in this chapter that I do not like at all, and boy we cover them he suggests that you make this list of words of affirmation for your partner and then, when you share it with her, delete it from the list, so that you don't find yourself going back to the same thing on your list over and over and over again. I would say, the more sure way to make sure that you don't just keep going back to the same item over and over again is don't delete it. Either put it in a different column or strike through it or something like that. Because, as you said when we were talking about this number one, you can use that to jog your memory of adjacent things to offer words of affirmation on.
Charles:And number two if every time you offer a word of affirmation on something, you then delete it, it's very possible that six months from now you're not going to remember that you ever offered her that compliment in the first place. But she might remember it Right, the first place, true, but she might remember it right. And so it's like okay, it's been six months. Every six months he tells me the same thing over and over and over again. Where, no, I do not. I mean, like I told you when we were talking about this, it's like when I keep a shopping list, when I buy the thing on the list, I don't just completely erase it from the list, I just put one line through it. So then I remember okay, I've, I've gotten this thing where, if you completely erase it, it's like did I or did I not buy eggs. It's it, yeah it. I don't understand where, how. That seems like a really easy mistake to make that this guy or his editor should have caught.
Dan:And, if anything, it's a nice reminder. So, even if you're looking at stuff that you've already complimented her on, going back and looking at that list, it's a nice reminder of all the wonderful thing that your partner is and does, and so, if anything, it helps you re-appreciate that person because, oh, I forgot she did this, she did that, or she was like this, she was like that. It's like, oh, my gosh, wow, it's like yeah, and it definitely stirs up some, some positive feelings. If it's not there, you're missing that out. You're missing out on that yeah, it would.
Charles:It would really be like in one of our last episodes on the last book. We talked about gratitude journaling. I mean, can you imagine somebody's like what you want to do is every night, write three things that you appreciate and we're thankful for that, and then, as soon as you're done writing, rip that page out and throw it in the garbage. What Four? I don't understand how you could yeah, drives me crazy. So that one, I just thought, was like what a stupid mistake to make. The next part is where I actually get angry. You ready, yeah, working the grapevine. So he gives you the example of hey, dan, what would mean more to you For me to say, hey, dan, that project we worked together on, I thought you did a great job. Or for you to hear kind of secondhand Charles was going around saying how great of a job I did on that project. Obviously, the second one is better, like hearing that someone is out there positively impacting your reputation by bragging about you to other people. That feels great. I've been in that position. It feels amazing when somebody's out there saying good things about you and it gets back to you Awesome, love that. But when he suggests looking for ways to send words of affirmation through the grapevine to your partner, talking her up around other people when she's not around, publicizing her accomplishments and skills, helping others recognize how incredible she is, in such a way that you want it to get back to her. Okay, then here's to me I'm open to being corrected on this in in whatever comment or or communication or email somebody wants to send me.
Charles:That seems manipulative to me and the people who are the victim of your manipulation. It's kind of your wife and the person that you're trying to plant these bugs in. It's like, dan, I want you to think about. The reason that we're having this conversation is because I want to talk to you about this issue. But the real primary reason you and I are having this conversation is so that because I want to talk to you about this issue. But the real primary reason you and I are having this conversation is so that I hope it gets back to my wife that I was saying something nice about her.
Charles:And again, I feel like that's a manipulation against both my wife and my friend or my coworker that I'm talking to about my wife, where I'm sprinkling in these little bits about my wife in the hopes that it gets back to her. I again this seems and no offense to our very faithful evangelical Christian listeners, because I used to be very churchy, I used to go to church all the time, I was very involved in the culture of church this seems like the kind of good idea that would appeal to somebody who's very active in a church and is getting all of their socialization from their church environment. Like this seems like the idea of okay, yeah, I'll, I'll, I'll talk to the other people at church about how great my wife is, and then they'll be on my side and they'll share that with her, and then they'll think I'm a great guy for talking up my wife and my wife will think I'm a great guy for talking her up to other people.
Charles:It's just, it does seem to carry a certain level of dark manipulation and naivete about it. That's like, oh yeah, this makes sense. This, this is a good way to interact with people. It's like I would. I for me, I would not want to be on either side of this where I found out that, okay, this guy's talking to me about his wife because he wants me to pass it along, or my wife's talking this way about me to other people because she wants them to pass it on to me. I would feel betrayed by both of those scenarios.
Dan:For me, it comes down to how much of a crowbar are you using to get it into that conversation. If it is a natural fit, I really don't have that much of a problem with it. But that's where it's-.
Charles:But the second, you learn about it how to do it from a book. Oh right, yeah, it's. It's not natural anymore. If this is something you're already doing, don't stop doing it. But the fact that you're learning about this skill or technique from a book that you're reading to help your relationship, that automatically disqualifies it for me as being a good idea. And the example yeah, he. And then he also says it's a good idea to do it in front of your wife. And the cringy frigging example he uses here. During a dinner out with coworkers, you might say something like I thought that tiramisu was pretty good, but if I could have any dessert in the world, it would be my wife's peach cobbler. If I was at dinner with someone that said something like that, my first thought would be like what's wrong with this person? Like what's going on right now, like what did I just witness?
Dan:And again, maybe that's because I'm a hypercritical jerk, but no, it could be like hey, is there a problem between the two of them? Exactly, and he's trying to. This is his version of showing up with candy and flowers.
Charles:Yeah, okay, yeah, okay, yes. Another perfect example the husband who goes on Facebook to tell all his Facebook friends how great his wife is. It's like, okay, did he cheat? Are they about to get divorced? What's going on here? Because, yeah, man there's.
Dan:So here's a question for you. I see a lot of people do that when it comes to their partner's birthday, both men and women. Is that a free pass for bragging about your spouse if it's an anniversary or their birthday?
Charles:It depends on how much text you invest in it. I would say, hey, I'd like to wish a happy birthday to my amazing wife. I don't have a problem with that. But if you have to go through the whole story about how he or she's your rock and you count on them for everything and you've been through thick and thin and the good times and the bad, it's like the more words it is, the more trouble I think your relationship is in. Interesting it could be. I mean it. Yeah, it's. Every time I see one of those I want to just like this could have been a text. It just it drives me crazy. It's like it's just, it's so performative, it's so hey, hey, everybody watch, watch this play I'm about to put on and again I I think there are very natural, very good ways to do stuff like that in very small doses, like the example with the boy this tiramisu good, not as good as her peach cobbler, something more subtle of boy, this tiramisu is good.
Charles:It's like, yeah, it's the, it's the second best tiramisu I've had. And then just sort of acknowledge your wife Like the unspoken thing is she makes it better than this. Something like that where it's natural is one thing. But again it feels like this guy's got a six foot crowbar out just trying to say hey everybody, may I have your attention please? I want you and my wife to know how great I think she is. I literally would not go on a second dinner date or couples date with the guy who did that. Like, if we're ever out and you do something like that with your girlfriend, I'll be like OK, things going OK at home Dan.
Charles:What are you making up for? Yeah, what's going on here? So, yeah, I I flat out reject this advice. I think it's bad advice and I would not tell anybody to do this. The do not have. Do not make up conversations to have with people in the hopes that the nice things you say about your partner we'll get back to her.
Dan:I think I would agree with you because it could be very easy to become over the top with it. I would agree with you because it could be very easy to become over the top with it, and I think it does. I think it is valuable advice. If you can do it in a subtle, natural way and there's a challenge to it, for sure there's especially a challenge to that it's a lot easier to be the sledgehammer.
Charles:It's something that hasn't occurred to you and you only know about it because a book is telling you to do it, and I would almost say it's like the fact that you're not already doing it. It's like if you're really good at doing this and you're already doing it, congratulations, keep doing it. If you've never done this before and you're going to start doing it because this book tells you to don't do it, and okay. But then right after that, we get into something that is actually is valuable, which is talk your wife up to your kids, not because you want your kids to take the message back to her, but because you find value in your wife and you just want your like.
Charles:Don't have level two conversations. Don't be like I'm having this conversation for this reason, but really, this reason, that's always a manipulation, that's always codependent, that's always not something helpful. But if you say there's value in it for me to tell my son or my daughter how much I love and appreciate their mom, then fine, that's it. But if your ulterior motive is and I hope they mention it to her then don't do it. Yeah, yeah, I'm just some guy. I haven't written 18 different love languages books. I shouldn't have to be the one that understands this and tells people about it, but it's my burden, so here we are. Okay, he does talk about the encouraging words, and those encouraging words there is. There are some lines you don't want to cross with encouraging words too, which is don't encourage your wife to become something more than she currently is, or your partner because you're not satisfied with what she currently is.
Dan:Right, again, it's just like what you just said. It's not about what you want. You don't give her the encouraging words because you want her to be something different or do something different. Right, you recognize that she might want to do something. Correct, that she's a little timid, a little about she's a little scared to do, and a little bit of encouragement and support would maybe get her to kind of take the next step.
Charles:Yes, exactly. Where is if, if it's something, if you're encouraging word sounds like hey, listen that that job you're currently doing for $30,000 a year, I think you'd go find something better and make twice that much money. That's not encouraging. That is that. That would put most people in a position of okay. So he doesn't. He thinks I'm wasting my time. He doesn't think what I'm spending my time on is good enough and he yeah, I need to. I need to be different, I need to do different. Like, yeah, but it's more like hey, I'm thinking about branching out and in either looking to, I kind of like to explore a job with this company or even this career instead of my current one. That's when the words of encouragement like I think you could absolutely do that and I I support you if you want to make that change.
Dan:So I'm going to give an example of what not to do. Okay, I did this in a past relationship years ago, where she had she worked as a social worker. She worked with people who were mentally challenged and she was like the director and local charity and organization and she was a director, she was running things and she told me how much money she made and my intent was to tell her that I think she's got an important job and that she should be well compensated and she's got a lot of responsibility. And when she told me how much money she made, I said that's it. And so my intention was to give her a compliment, to go wow, you're underpaid, undervalued, underappreciated for all the wonderful things you do. I did not use those words and hence it did not get the reaction that I wanted. Let's just put it that way. I think that was the beginning of the end of the relationship to be.
Charles:Yeah, no, I could see how that could be. Yeah, kind of, along with the yeah, the, the words of encouragement that are are used sloppily or inappropriately, along with the humor that you try to use. Those two things could definitely again. Especially if somebody's love language is words of affirmation, then it's like the stakes. The stakes when you decide I'm going to make an effort to speak to someone in their primary love language. The stakes go up Absolutely. Because if you fumble it to use a sports analogy, as the author loves to do yeah, the, the cost can be high, and so it's important to be very deliberate with that. It's like it's worth the risk, obviously, but yeah, don't go at it half-assed or it's going to go off the rails. I just didn't think it through.
Dan:I was sloppy, yeah, and I could never recover a great example.
Charles:So let's keep that rolling.
Charles:With another example of something sloppy you did when we were talking about the joke that you made post after a date the other day I think we're talking about it just last time we recorded on Wednesday and how the girl after the date she texts you and she's like I had a great time, and your response was I wish I could say the same, right, and then she never communicated with you ever again after that. I mean I think that's funny, but what, what occurred to me is okay. So words of affirmation is her love language, or if, if saying to a guy, hey, I had a great time, thank you after a date is something that she's put it out there before and she's gotten burned by it then, yeah, her ability to appreciate the humor or the sarcasm again, I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but it could have been that the circumstances and her own personal history and experience told her, okay, this is, this hurts a lot and, and as I mean you would think it must've hurt her a lot if she didn't ever respond to you.
Dan:So where this is and this is where I, people are different and I made the assumption that she would, that she'd be on the same page. But we had a good time. We were laughing, we were joking around, we were connecting. It was a really good date, objectively. And when I did send that text, I gave a winky face afterwards so I was thinking it was obvious to me that I was joking around, but yeah, it was crickets after that.
Charles:Okay, sometimes you gotta be careful yeah, yeah, sometimes I'm and and I I've. I've learned myself from my own missteps that yeah, jokes and sarcasm in in written form can can often be trouble. Emojis help out a little bit. They make it a little bit easier to try to be sarcastic over text.
Dan:But yeah, sometimes you can still maybe I needed a better emoji than the, the semicolon and bracket right in parentheses. That's what I used. I didn't even use a full emoji, so maybe that was my problem too. Maybe, didn't even notice it.
Charles:Yeah, maybe it's. It's interesting to think about. But yeah, if yeah, you don't, you don't, especially on a first date. You don't know what somebody is bringing to the table as far as their personal experience and and some things can. But I mean the other, the other thing is, if you try something like that and it doesn't go over, well it's like hey look, I'm a sarcastic guy, I don't try to be cruel, I don't try to be sloppy with people's feelings, but I like joking about things and my ideal partner is going to like joking about things too. So, on the one hand, yeah, maybe it. If this is the kind of thing that hurts so bad that you don't want a future interaction, then all right, we're not.
Dan:Maybe we're not a good match for each other and I also could understand if there was like questionable, like the date was just okay. It was very obvious that we're both having a great time. We spent a long time.
Charles:And you were probably joking and kidding around with her plenty during the date.
Dan:A hundred percent.
Charles:Yeah, so yeah, it could have again. We, we don't know what's going on with somebody else when they, when they decide to call it, quits interacting. It's like there there could have been. She could have, right after or right before you sent that text, she could have gotten a very long text from her ex who said I love you, I miss you, I hope we can get back together. I mean, we don't know. There's no way to know what is going on with somebody. So it could have been.
Charles:Yeah, dan kind of offended me. I didn't. I didn't like that. He made a joke about me, saying that I had a great time. Or it could have been something else happened, or she could have been in a car accident and died we don't know and that was the last thing that she ever saw. Dan, oh, great, so uh, but probably not that. Thank you, you're welcome. Uh, okay, the next part and this is a big one for me, with lots of learning to do is your tone matters a lot with how you say things, not just what you say Me too.
Dan:Yeah, I got a problem with that. I got to work on that?
Charles:Yeah, so do I. The example that he offers here and this is a great example for me, this really does resonate with me. This is a great example for me. This really does resonate with me. If, if you snarl to your wife and say I would be delighted to do the dishes for you, and then you do a perfect job of making the dishes, absolutely, you wash them, you dry them, not a single spot on them, it doesn't really matter. The. The level of your performance of that act is not going to be a factor. If the way that you said sure, yeah, I'll do it, okay, whatever it's your question for you?
Dan:Yeah, no, I totally agree with that If her primary love language is words of affirmation. Now, if her primary love language is acts of service, I still don't think it matters.
Charles:Still don't do the sarcasm part. I feel I mean, if it's, I mean in this, I mean when I see the word snarling, I mean I think there's hostility there and yeah, I don't think, no matter what somebody's love language is, if you use a tone that says I'm hostile about this, I'll do this, but I'm not into it, then yeah, it almost kind of doesn't matter. The other side of this that I thought was amazing, which is something else I have a hard time with If you say something as pointed as I felt disappointed and hurt that you didn't offer to help me this evening, but you say it in that vulnerable, open, kind way, that could be seen as an act of love. Yeah, where You're sharing your feelings Exactly, and especially if that's something you struggle with, or you're sharing your feeling exactly, and especially if that's something you struggle with or you're trying to improve on, and she sees you take the shot to do that, even though it's something that is, you're essentially offering a negative opinion of something she said or did or didn't do, but you're doing it in a way that just oozes connection and intimacy, then yeah, she will. She will see that negative thing as valuable in a way that you probably can't appreciate or understand.
Charles:I certainly would have trouble with that for sure, because I yeah, I I struggle with any any criticism or any. Any communication of your words or your actions did not meet up to my expectation. It's like it's hard for me not to take that as an attack. No matter if Brene Brown herself was offering the criticism in the most perfect way, charles is going to take a little bit of like.
Charles:Oh boy, now I feel like I got to be on my defensive because I'm on my on defense because, yeah, this feels like you're telling me that I'm not good enough for you. I'm not perfect for the relationship. I'm perfect, yeah, and and I don't like not being perfect, so because we have to have a fight now, that, look, that's. That is. That is one of my, one of my many default settings that I'm working to deprogram. But, yeah, it's tough. But healthy people and I think women in particular, I think they tend to be able to feel the connection despite the negative message, where for me it's like I struggle with the connection at all if the message is even slightly negative with the connection at all, if the message is even slightly negative.
Dan:Yeah, and I mean for me I struggle sometimes with tone and present, presenting my ideas and my advice and my opinions to people, especially the ones I care about in my life, and I can come across as really I feel sometimes really harsh, instead of coming from a place of curiosity just trying to understand, hey, are they even receptive or open or wanting any advice on this, and instead I just kind of give it.
Dan:I also could be giving it in a way where it comes across initially as not an attack, but a little bit rough around the edges and I know that can immediately put somebody's wall up and then at that point they're not listening to anything that I have to say, they're not open to anything that I have to say because my initial approach was not in a warm and caring manner and now I've just completely wasted my own time with what could be wonderful, perfectly great advice because they're not receptive to it anymore, because I opened with the wrong tone dealing with something suboptimally is not enough of a concern for them to go to people close to them to say I could use your help with this or do you have an opinion on this, then it's like okay, well, if if you're not to the point where you're willing to say I could use some help, then you're definitely not at the point where spontaneous help is going to be utilized or appreciated.
Charles:And, yeah, unsolicited advice is is another one of the areas that I struggle with, where it's like hey, I've been through something so close to this and I know exactly what it took for me to get to the other side and I'm happy to share that with you and the but that's a great way to open and then and then you follow up with the question is that something.
Dan:Is that something you're interested in?
Charles:I think the question has to come first. I think I think anything, anything before. The question is hey, let me build myself up so you think I'm an expert and now I'll ask if you want my advice, what I mean when I feel like the question of do you want to vent or do you want some help working, working through this.
Dan:Okay.
Charles:I think that has to come first, because even the sort of empathetic way of saying, hey, I've been through this before and I know how to, how you can get out of it, is like okay. So yeah, to me that would feel like okay. So you're trying to set yourself up as an expert, so either I'll ask you for your advice or you'll just be able to give me your advice and I'll take it when the. I've been through something like that before and yeah, it's tough and I can see why it bothers you and then just letting it go, and then if somebody wants to take the invitation, At least you're telling them, though, that you do have that experience in that area, though.
Charles:So I think that's important, yeah, but but resist the temptation to transition that into. And I know, and I have, and I am in possession of information that you need.
Dan:Okay, right, because that no, that's where I I have a hard time stopping myself. Right the no, it'll fix this, or the I, you need this. That's. Those are words you can avoid.
Charles:I think, right, yeah, focus on the. Yeah, I can empathize with you because I've dealt with something similar to this in the past and then if somebody wants advice, they'll say, okay, well, how did you handle it? Or if they don't say that, then they don't want it. Yeah, and that takes practice to get out of the habit. Yeah, absolutely, I mean, especially if you do struggle with codependence and and control issues and stuff like that. It's like because, look, giving someone advice and watching them follow it, it does. It does make you feel smart, it makes you feel in control, it makes you feel competent and if you're somebody who's grown up with some weaknesses on the self-esteem side, that could be like a drug.
Dan:And also, even if you don't, even if you don't have that side of it, you could be coming from a place of I care about you, I want you to feel better, I love you. So here, let me fix this problem for you. Right, exactly, and that's still not. It doesn't really matter what your intention is at that point.
Charles:The end result is you're still going to be putting somebody off who's not open or ready to receive anything that you make Exactly, and all ready to receive anything that you make Exactly, and sort of keeping that mindset and maintaining that sense of calm is one of the other things that he talks about, which is when it comes to managing your tone and expressing your concerns, your issues. Your goal has to be understanding and reconciliation, not proving that you were right about something, and so that's where Corey Wayne does a great job in his book about how to become a 3% man, where it's like, whenever your partner comes to you with an issue, your default setting has to be tell me more. I want to understand more. I want to learn more about what you're feeling. I want to learn more about what I did that has you upset. It's like keep, just keep trying to pull more and more information, and that way you can do it. As long as your primary mission is I want to learn more than it distracts you from the primary instinct of I need to defend myself, and I like it when authors of very different books agree on stuff like this, because then I know that it's a valuable place for me to deposit my time. Yeah, because one thing you can say about Corey Wayne is none of his material comes across as churchy. So yeah, just that curiosity of. I want to understand where you're coming from and get to the bottom. That's my priority, absolutely Okay, so let's get through.
Charles:The rest of this is don't bring in yesterday's conflict into today's situation and don't re re litigate issues that you've already put an end to. Don't be so distracted by justice that you leave forgiveness behind, because when you forgive somebody or something, kind of part of that is you don't get to keep bringing it up to make them feel bad, and if you keep bringing it up to make them feel bad, you haven't forgiven them. Don't, don't confuse those. Another thing that's extremely important that he gets into here is make requests, not demands, huge. So, yeah, when it comes to having your needs filled by another person or just trying to work together to get something done for your relationship or for your family, requests that people work with you, don't say this is what I require of you, do this for me or I need this, just by blatantly saying by putting demands on people.
Dan:Yeah, it's not. It's.
Charles:It's not a parent-child relationship, it is not a boss employee relationship, it is a partnership yes, it's like I I would like us to work together on this and here's what I would like you to do next. And then give them and then be okay with them saying yes, no, or what about this instead, because, yeah, you got to treat it as a partnership, not the and and and I get that can get complicated with men are the leaders of the relationship, at least in traditional heterosexual relationships. Many, many women are looking for men to take the lead, but not as the dictator who puts out, who hands out assignments for people to do.
Dan:To me, taking the lead just means taking the initiative. That has nothing to do with the communication of that initiative to the other person. You can do that in a way demanding. You can do it in a way that is treating them with respect and giving them the autonomy to say yes or no.
Charles:Yeah, sometimes the masculine way to be the leader in your relationship is to say, hey, there's a problem here that we need to work together on, and just by initiating that recognition of things could be better than they are right now, and I've got some ideas for how we can make them better. I'd love to hear your ideas and let's talk about what I can do. Let's talk about what you can do. Just getting that ball rolling might be the extent of the masculine leadership that you need to bring to this.
Dan:And to me, part of that is also finding a solution given challenges. So if she isn't able to do what you're asking of her to do as a masculine leader, you then need to figure out how to get it done, even without your partner's help. At that point, right, you're focused on the solution and you're not making her feel bad for wanting to do that.
Charles:Yes, absolutely, and your wife also needs to, or your partner needs to understand that I'm going to make requests of you to meet my needs in a variety of different situations and if you feel like you have to say no, I can handle that Absolutely, because if you've trained your partner to believe that, okay, he's going to try to phrase this as a request. But I know if I say no, he's going to lose his crap and he's going to be out of control. Then you're still. You're not going. That's not going to foster an authentic, caring relationship. That's going to be. I'm going to walk on eggshells because you can't handle it when I don't give you what you want.
Dan:You can only walk on eggshells for so long, exactly Before you break some eggs.
Charles:All right. So there we are with words of affirmation. I will look forward to covering the next love language with you, dan, and by the time we talk next, I will have to share a little bit more in-depth information on my own languages, ranked from top to bottom. Sounds good, sir. All right, looking forward to it. Thanks, bye. Wow, you made it through the whole thing, so you must like us at least a little bit, in which case you should definitely follow or subscribe to our show in your chosen podcast app. Thanks, we'll talk to you next time.
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