First Impressions: DOs and DON'Ts of Dating

In this episode of Mindfully Masculine, Charles and Dan delve into the art of making a memorable first impression in dating. Drawing insights from The Man’s Guide to Women by John and Julie Gottman, they explore what to do—and what to avoid—when navigating first dates. From mastering conversational flow to choosing the perfect activity, this episode equips listeners with practical tips for meaningful connections.

Key Takeaways:

1. DO:
   • Ask open-ended questions to foster genuine conversation.
   • Be your authentic self—don’t try to impress by pretending to be someone you’re not.
   • Speak slowly and confidently; tone and pace can shape perceptions.
   • Plan creative dates that encourage interaction and connection (skip the overdone dinner-and-a-movie routine).
   • Show respect through thoughtful gestures like opening doors or pulling out chairs.
2. DON’T:
   • Treat the date like a job interview with rapid-fire questions.
   • Dominate the conversation, interrupt, or talk only about yourself.
   • Use cheesy pickup lines or overt sexual innuendos.
   • Spend lavishly to "buy" affection or attention—it sends the wrong message.
   • Display inappropriate body language (e.g., staring at her chest or checking out other women).
3. Pro Tips:
   • Practice mindfulness in conversations to avoid filler words and awkward silences.
   • Mirroring body language and maintaining balanced eye contact can build rapport naturally.
   • Bring value to the interaction—focus on what you can offer, not just what you want to gain.
   • Reflect on the balance between "being yourself" and striving to be your "best self."
4. Big Idea:
   Approach every first date with curiosity and excitement. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s creating an authentic and enjoyable connection.

Why Listen?
If you’ve ever felt unsure about how to make a strong first impression, this episode is packed with actionable advice to navigate the modern dating world with confidence and mindfulness.

Related Resources:

• The Man’s Guide to Women by John and Julie Gottman
• Previous Mindfully Masculine episodes on self-awareness and relationship-building

Chapters

• 0:00 Mastering First Impressions on Dates
• 13:22 Improving Communication Skills and Dating Etiquette
• 23:37 Navigating Dating Etiquette and Communication
• 30:50 Approaching Interactions With Abundance
• 38:18 Navigating First Date Etiquette

Transcript

Charles: 0:00

Welcome to the Mindfully Masculine Podcast. This is Charles Alright. In this episode, Dan and I will continue discussing the Man's Guide to Women by Dr John Gottman and others, and our discussion will include the parallels, positive and negative, between dates and job interviews, speaking style and tone, conversation tips, body language and eye contact, touch and physical presence, planning a first date, general dating etiquette, common pitfalls to avoid, and preparation and mindset. Please check out our website, mindfullymasculinecom, where you can find both our audio and video episodes and any news that we find fit to share. Thanks and enjoy. Good morning, Charles. How are you?

Dan: 0:45

Hello Dan, I am well. Thank you, how are you? Episodes and any news that we find fit to share.

Charles: 0:47

Thanks and enjoy. Good morning Charles. How are you? Hello, dan, I am well. Thank you, how are you? Fantastic, good, good, all right, we were going to I think we'll do another separate episode with some updates and some happenings, but for this one we will just jump into our material, which is the Man's Guide to Women, chapter four, first impressions.

Charles: 1:05

And this one's more more than just first impressions. It really does hit the high points of what to do and what not to do on a date and a first date in particular. And again, as we talked about in our previous episode, this book is amazing because it's got this cheat sheet at the end of every chapter that guys who are doing a podcast can essentially lift right out of the book and use as an episode outline. So thank you, gottman. Much appreciation to the Gottmans for formatting their book that way and making it that easy for us to do just that, for formatting their book that way and making it that easy for us to do just that.

Charles: 1:48

Okay, one thing I thought of while I was preparing this morning is the parallels that exist between dates and job interviews, the ones that should exist and the ones that should not exist.

Charles: 2:00

Okay, one thing that you'll hear many people in the giving advice business say about dates is, when it comes to the conversation, you should not treat it like a job interview as far as, where are you from, where'd you grow up, where'd you go to school, what do your parents do for a living, what do you do for a living where you're just throwing out questions, eliciting information from the person.

Charles: 2:25

You don't want to do that because that gets boring and that feels doesn't feel like a conversation, doesn't feel like you're getting to know somebody. But the way that it does that, that a good date does parallel a good interview, is that you don't go into it with an attitude of what do I need to say? What do I need to to do? Who do I need to pretend to be to get what I want out of this person? Yeah, if you go to an interview like that where it's okay, I'm ready to become whatever I think I need to become so that they offer me a job You're usually going to I was going to say best case you're going to crash at the interview and it's going to be terrible. Worst case. Many people are unhappy with their jobs and probably resentful yes, because they're feeling desperate and I just want to get this job.

Dan: 3:33

I need the money. So I'm gonna do say, be whatever I need to be to get the employment, get the job, yeah, and figure it out later and not realize their happiness is being jeopardized too by being something that you're not. And the irony too is a lot of times it might be something we aspire to be right or that where we'd love to be right, but we're not there yet and we haven't done all of those things and we're not behaving in all of those ways. And now it's what the expectation in the bar is that you are at that level and that can be. That can, I think, cause quite a bit of discomfort, because it's just like people are going to be expecting you to be that way and you haven't actually practiced it.

Charles: 4:17

Yeah that's a that could be a negative, life-altering experience of getting your dream job before you're ready for your dream job. Similarly, getting the romantic partner of your dreams before you're ready for that partner can also really set you back in life. That can be very difficult I know I've never.

Dan: 4:36

I didn't until we recently started talking and thinking about these things. I never thought about it like that when I was going for interviews and jobs or even on dates. Like that insight to me. Hopefully that helps other people who are interviewing for jobs and going on dates, because just that awareness gives me enough value in my mind to go, okay, look, that's important enough for me to swallow my pride and just get uncomfortable and be who I am, whether it's in the job interview or on the date, because that's going to allow me to find the right fit and that's going to give me the best platform to then move forward and excel in the job or on the or in that relationship.

Charles: 5:21

Yeah, absolutely. And then that leads to to point number one in this cheat sheet at the end of the chapter, which is ask open-ended questions. Again, you're not just doing a survey where you're trying to get as many facts out of your date as quickly as you can. Don't ask open-ended questions like ew. Why that? That will probably not help you get the kind of information from a potential you want. Be authentic, but try to speak in your lowest register if your natural voice sounds a bit like mickey mouse on helium. Yeah, I would say, generally speaking, that people, people, men who speak slowly and lowly feel safer and more confident than people who speak rushed and at a higher register.

Dan: 6:12

You think it matches with our body state, right? So when we're excited or anxious about something, our heart is racing, it's moving faster, right? So I would assume that that kind of that, that rhythm, is synchronized in terms of the feelings it generates. So, sure, if you're speaking very quickly, which I do have tendency to do, I'm absolutely guilty. Oh, me too, me too. That can actually cause excitement.

Charles: 6:38

It might be in a positive way, but it also could cause some anxiety too, and the point is practice speaking to people as much as you can so you'll be less anxious about it when it's in a situation that you believe matters, and also just try to consciously speak slower when we do the podcast. We've noticed the faster that we try to talk, the more likely we are to throw in filler words and uhs and ums. And a quiet pause beats a pause filled up with ums and uhs, and you knows for sure, absolutely. But to do that you have to remind yourself and think consciously, consciously, and that can get very hard to just do on a first date if you haven't figured out a way to practice it in much lower cost, low pressure environment.

Dan: 7:30

Right yeah, and because when you're nervous, upset, ramped up, those kinds of things will come out and bubble up to the surface. He threw out as it relates to the tone of voice, saying that presidents or owners of CEOs of companies that have lower registers of their voice make more money for the companies or run companies that make more money. Studies are. However, I know there've been a lot of studies with other physical factors of their leaders, like the height absolutely is a big one and looking back when I was in corporate America, I would see all the high level managers were pretty tall. We didn't have any short. Now the owner was very short, but he's the owner. He didn't need to really lead people.

Charles: 8:23

He got respect out of the box because he was them, and there are certain characteristics of men in particular which is what we're focused on right now that are generally accepted as more attractive, healthier, stronger, and you will see, like with the CEO thing, it's okay. Is it their lower voice that is making them more successful? Or is their lower voice a symptom of the higher testosterone crack? And, generally speaking, whether it's hunting and gathering or it's running a company, a high testosterone man is going to have some advantages that a lower testosterone may not have absolutely, and so that it's hard to nail down correlation versus causation when it comes to something like that. Which is coming first here? Is the low voice showing something about the person or is challenging yourself to speak lower it's? There's a razor's edge there where, if it sounds like you're putting on some sort of an affect, it's going to come across as inauthentic.

Dan: 9:27

He does talk about, you should be speaking at the lowest tone. That's natural for you. And he mentions a technique of standing in the shower and putting your fingers on the bridge of your nose and seeing at what and making different tones and seeing what vibrates the moat, what vibrates your nose bone. Have you done any of this, he said? He said, like actors on stage, will who sing on on stage do this to figure out, or even just speaking where they can speak the most, without straining themselves so anything that is out of their natural range, high or too low is?

Charles: 10:06

right, yeah, that makes sense, so I've never heard of that before yeah, figuring out what's the lowest way that you can hold a conversation without putting something on is probably a valuable tool. And yeah, obviously I've never tried any of these methods, because what comes out naturally is pretty darn near perfect. Yeah, so why try to improve on that?

Dan: 10:30

and this is where I this, and also, if you remember the other book that we were talking about, where the your walk, your natural gait is, it's more important that you walk, that it is natural for you, but it also should show a relaxed, confident type of gait. So where I am wondering, the balance is coming in here. So what if somebody does, a guy does have a pitch like mickey or mini mouse or goofy and wants to improve on that, but that's not in their natural range. So it's, do we recommend going to a coach for that? What do you think somebody could do? Or their gait? Is that just because that's just what they got into a bad habit of? Or a habit that just causes them to walk in a way that is not relaxed, or maybe walking too fast or whatever, but that's how they naturally walk, that's how they naturally speak. So we're asking them to be unnatural to improve this kind of. So it's, do you work with a coach for that? What? Yeah, what are your thoughts?

Charles: 11:38

yeah. So how would you approach it it comes down to? There's always this push and pull of be your best versus be yourself. Right, I would say, focus more on being your best self than just being yourself or just being the best. And there's a I draw a distinction between voice and gate in that the biology and anatomy of your vocal cords. It is what it is.

Charles: 12:10

But that said, there's also I've known people that were victims of childhood abuse and one of the characteristics of that, one of the lifelong symptoms of that, can be that there's some arrested development with your voice, where your voice gets locked into a higher pitch based on when the abuse happened to you. And sure, I've seen that in both men and women. When somebody speaks with a very childlike voice, it's usually because something really serious and really bad happened to them and if that development has been stopped at that point. So I would say, if you've got a voice that you feel is uncomfortably high and possibly unnaturally high, that's something to share with your therapist or with, I would would say, therapist first. Otherwise close, trusted friends who you can count on giving you their honest impressions in a compassionate, loving way. I think you can change that. It may be unpacking a lot of really painful stuff to do that, depending on what the cause of it is. The other thing is to just try to figure out times when your speaking voice is at its lowest and its slowest and its most comfortable about those environments and situations. That lends you to talk slower and lower and more confidently, and then try to recreate that in other situations that might be a little bit more stressful.

Charles: 13:46

But I think it's okay to ask the questions of okay, is there a way I can get get better at this? With walking, I think you can definitely practice walking slower and with the sway of your arms, the sway of your hips, anything like that. I wouldn't really focus too heavily on. I would just focus on walking, being comfortable walking at a slower pace, and you can do that by listening to slow music while you walk, and there's ways.

Charles: 14:16

But and you can do that by listening to slow music while you walk and there's ways but what you alluded to, there's coaches out there that are probably good at all of these things. Yeah, if you just talk to one of them, and most coaches in most fields will give you a consultation, a brief consultation, to say, hey, here's what I'm struggling with, or here's what I'd like to improve at Is this something that you've encountered before and most coaches, if they're online and they've got a portfolio of work that you can look at, will say, oh yeah, I've helped people with that. Here's some videos or some testimonials by some of them, and you can absolutely improve. This is what the program looks like and you can decide if that's worthy of your time and your money and your effort.

Charles: 14:54

Nice, but I would certainly consider it, and even the other parts of this, like being a better conversationalist, is also something you can certainly practice and read books on and get coaching on being a good listener and acting as if from a place of authenticity. You're actually interested in what the other person has to say. If you go into a conversation with the idea of every person I talk to, they know something I don't know and they have something to share with me. That can be and probably is interesting. I can learn more about what it means to be a human, what it means to be a person, what it means to be a man or a woman from this other person's experience. Go into it with that idea of I'm about to learn something new about life that I didn't know before and get excited about that and you'll have good conversations with people.

Dan: 15:43

Yeah, I heard a line from Jim Quick the other day. He said it's not how smart are you, it's how are you smart, and I love that idea. That kind of sums up that philosophy that I also believe in in is that everybody has their own life experiences and is really good at something Right. And for me, that's where I get. I love talking to people and asking them questions and figuring out and learning from them, because it's they're talking about some. If they're talking about something they're passionate about and they have some experience in that, I don't which is a lot of things they're passionate about and they have some experience in that I don't, which is a lot of things. But yeah, that kind of lines up with the how are you smart kind of thing. I wouldn't lean in to start a conversation with that, but just try to feel your way around. What are they talking about?

Charles: 16:29

naturally, and it's like, okay, oh, this person must know a lot about X, y and Z, and then, if that's interesting to me, I'll poke about it, yeah, and trying to pivot the conversation in directions where someone is speaking about something they're passionate about and the other person it's a subject they're passionate about learning more about. That's perfect and that's that's ideal. Yeah, and I would say and rare, I'll be honest with you, I think sometimes it can be very rare I would say, as the man on a date with a woman oh, that's different. Yeah, your job to figure that out and try to try to get it in that direction yeah, I was.

Dan: 17:10

My mind went to going out and being in a social situation with a bunch of strangers. Not actually back on the date, but yeah, on the date, absolutely you should be be trying to get to know that person as well as possible, because you're going to be investing, obviously, your time and energy and making yourself vulnerable to that person. Yeah definitely behooves you to even ask questions and take interest in things that you initially don't think you're interested in initially.

Charles: 17:39

Don't think you're interested in Interesting yeah. I would say yeah, it is true that you can again if you go into the date with a justified feeling of responsibility. I'm the facilitator, I'm the man. I asked this woman out on a date to get to know her better. So it's my responsibility and my privilege to guide things in such a way that I get to find out what it is that makes her tick. What's she excited about, what does she like talking about? And that's where, in this chapter, it says your job is to make the woman the center of the conversation and the center of the date. You should not see it as an opportunity to and we talked about this in, I think, the most recent episode showing off talking about your accomplishments, your successes. That is not how you do it.

Dan: 18:23

And it doesn't serve you either. You already know all of those things about yourself, right? It's just, you might as well sit home by yourself and talk to a wall at that point, right?

Charles: 18:32

It's cheap, man, man, it's very easy to tell stories about how great of a person you are, where it's harder to just let that come through while you're focusing the conversation on the other person and and the other thing to think about here is they'll ask you about those things at some point.

Dan: 18:49

If they're interested in those things, don't just assume that they want to know all of these details or whatever. That is right, you share a little bit about on the surface, but then if they're not asking questions to dig in further, then clearly that's not something they care about or interested in, at least at that time. Right, they could be nervous. They could be all these other things going on in their mind. Just go on. In our minds they're dealing with a whole bunch of other stuff. They might want to ask you about that down the road.

Dan: 19:17

And don't take offense or be upset that they didn't ask you that right then and there initially, and start making assumptions that they don't care about these things or they don't care about you because they didn't ask about these things that you're super excited about, right, and I'm speaking from experience, yeah, where I've had to talk my my other part of my brain off the ledge going, hey, relax, this is just because she didn't ask about this doesn't mean she doesn't care about it at this point. Right, give it some time and space, be patient.

Charles: 19:46

Yeah, and also be okay with.

Dan: 19:48

Even if she doesn't Right, yeah, correct.

Charles: 19:51

There could be things you're super into that somebody else isn't super into talking about, and not all of your interests have to line up a hundred percent in order for you to have a good time on a date or even possibly have a good relationship with somebody. Absolutely, there's going to be things that that neither of you are, that you just don't match up on. She's into things you're not, you're into things she's not, and that's okay. You, ideally, when you're dating someone or you're with someone, you both have your individual lives and your individual interests that you don't just cast aside because you're in a new relationship with somebody. Okay, look into her eyes and match her gestures in a natural and easy way.

Charles: 20:29

So, again, this is one of those skills where you don't want to just jump into this on a date. When you're actively listening and conversing with someone, you should practice mirroring their gestures and their body language. Again, in situations where it's not high value, high stress, because if you just try to do that for the first time when you're on a date with some gal you're real excited about, there's a good chance it's going to come across weird yeah, yeah, especially if she's like flipping her hair and you decide I'm going to try and flip mine, right, yeah, you and I don't appear so, yeah, it's important to.

Charles: 21:08

The eye contact thing is easy. You can practice eye contact with anybody and you can even practice it on a date and just again, this is another thing where it is valuable to have a friend that you can talk to honestly and openly and look for advice and criticism and say, hey, when we're talking and I look you in the eye does, does it feel weird or creepy at all? Because that that is a legitimate concern to have that okay, if I'm looking at somebody in the eye and we're talking, is it going to? Because there's a certain amount of looking in the eye and then looking away, looking around, then going back to their eyes. That is natural.

Dan: 21:44

That is right. There's a timing element involved. Absolutely.

Dan: 21:47

And there's a certain amount where, if you don't look them in the eye enough, or you look them in the eye too much, it can get weird and awkward and I've known people on both sides of that where it's just like they just would not look at you in the eye and they would let, and other people that just won't look away. And then you should like look down all the time and it was just, yeah, he was a very confident guy and you'd look at him and you'd be like, does this do like an actor, like a really good looking guy, whatever, and it just when you just he couldn't keep eye contact and it was just, it was a little off-putting.

Charles: 22:18

Yes, absolutely I'll say a lot off-putting. That's something that you should have somebody in your life that you can ask about that and say okay, this is something I want to get better at. Tell me, do I stare in your eyes too much not enough? Do I look around too much not enough? I'm just gonna feel awesome right now. Any, have you picked up any of that from me? No, you like my balance. Yeah.

Dan: 22:40

Yeah, like what about me? Okay, I was going to say, yeah, that is an awkward conversation to have. You're terrible, I just I wanted to stay in this whole conversation just to tell you the problem. I whatever, when I'm trying to think of something, I do stare off a ball, off to the left or to the right.

Charles: 22:58

That's something about accessing the creative part of your brain, where that's a natural thing. Okay, I think that's how I've heard. That's how police can spot liars too, when you're talking to them and you start looking up up into the left or up into the right, I don't remember what. The detail oh, you're spinning the story. Yeah, you're like accessing the imagination and getting ready to make something up based on how you're. Oh, that makes sense. Sure, I've heard that's true. I don't know if it is, but it's definitely something I've heard. But, yeah, I can't. I can't think of a time where I've ever been put off by the way you look or the way you engage your eyes. But you see that now yeah we're open to it.

Charles: 23:37

Yeah, Briefly touch her forearm when you ask her to dance, ask for her number or ask her out on a date. But yeah, the forearm touch is about as as good as it gets, as far as very low risk breaking the physical touch barrier. Anything else can be. Other areas could be a little bit tougher.

Dan: 23:56

You know what that reminded me of is when we would go out or doing some ballroom dancing. Yeah, we'd go out to different clubs and stuff like that and some of the ladies would come by and ask us to dance. Do you remember, ever remember a time where a lady would actually touch you on the arm and invite you to dance? Yes, I do, and and what was?

Dan: 24:15

your didn't care for it that felt a little bit more pressure to dance with her. I bet it's probably felt that that's what I'm thinking. No, I like she.

Charles: 24:26

She's a little bit more aggressive with that yes, yes, but yeah, in most cases I didn't want to be there anyway, I didn't want to dance, and so it was. Didn't want to dance, and so it was. Just, it made it a little. I was a little more self-conscious to say no, thank you If I got the touch, so that's. That's something to keep in mind that the lady might feel as well.

Dan: 24:48

Now, when I again back in corporate America, when I was sitting in a cubicle and I would have a manager or project manager come over and ask for a favor if they put their hand on my shoulder and ask me for it, I was a lot more compliant. I actually I didn't even attempt to think of a reason why I shouldn't do it, even if it wasn't part of my job. It was just like, oh, you need some help, that's immediately. I was just like, oh, you're coming to me, you're being vulnerable by touching me on my shoulder. I have no idea if that still exists in corporate America these days. This was like 20 years ago. So, yeah, maybe, maybe HR immediately comes and handcuffs the manager at that point and they get fired and canceled. I don't know, but I absolutely agree with that last one.

Charles: 25:29

Yeah, I would. I would suspect that it still happens fairly normally, because it it's. I think a lot of people jump to this. You can't ask women on dates anymore. Yeah, how'd you guess I'm? Yeah, you can. You just have to be a little bit more. If you're creepy about stuff, you're more likely to get in trouble than than you were you can't be, as you can't be as lazy and sloppy exactly that bottom line, right?

Dan: 25:55

you actually need to be a little bit conscientious and you need to ask someone and communicate in the proper way, where you're showing respect. You've put some time and thought into your request, instead of just letting whatever comes out of your mouth and your feelings to wash over the entire situation, which is what I feel like a lot of times. We've reverted it, the entire situation, which is what I feel like a lot of times. Yeah, we've reverted it not we, but people have reverted into and caused this kind of backlash of hey, you need to consent for everything and whatever.

Charles: 26:26

We go from one extreme right, it's mostly yeah, and I think those issues come across or those issues become a problem when you are overly focused on I, I need to get what I need out of this interaction and not thinking about the other person and not bringing value to the other person. Right, if it's, you're a tool to help me meet my needs and I'm going to treat you as such a tool that, yeah, that's what you get. That's what you get. Yeah, you've got a good chance that somebody's going to be like no, this isn't okay, and I've isn't okay and I've got a real problem with this. Yeah, where, when you're looking to bring value to other people in your interactions, then you can. You can do that and worry a lot less about oh no, am I going to get in trouble?

Dan: 27:04

and so, yeah, the people that to me that's victim, that's immediately victim mindset right there, that's immediately. Oh, I can't do. You know, I don't want to have to actually do the work, to be conscientious to, to present myself where I'm bringing that value. I would rather just complain about it and say I mean, I can't do it exactly and when I think I'm in a no one situation.

Charles: 27:25

When I think about either guys talking about you can't even ask a girl on a date anymore or comedians you can't joke about anything, I the my immediate thought is always okay, you don't really, you probably don't have all that much to offer. That's exactly. That is straight where I go. Oh, this environment has made it impossible for me to do the thing I want to do. I'm always like, okay, you don't have, you're not bringing my figure table.

Dan: 27:48

Exactly, figure it out and it's not rocket science. There's lots of people doing. It's not like you're. You're trying to populate Mars here, come on. Yeah, people do this stuff. People ask people out all the time.

Charles: 28:00

Yeah, come on, it's not like nobody's going on dates anymore, and whenever I hear on the comedy side the people talking about you just can't say anything anymore. It's either super successful multimillionaires that are saying it or it's really hacky, crappy comedians that are that good.

Dan: 28:19

Anyway, there are so many more venues and opportunities for comedians these days, with all the online and the streaming and yeah, there's to ripe at this point.

Charles: 28:32

Yeah, if you're good, you can pretty much find a take on any subject that people will enjoy hearing you make jokes about. If you're good and part of it is if you're really good you can even make jokes about not being able to joke about things that you're in the middle of joking about and getting $80 a ticket to joke about, and then you're complaining that you can't do it anymore. Right, that doesn't seem true for me. Okay, be creative when planning your first date. Think of something adventurous, playful or exciting to do. Yeah, dinner in a movie is played out. I. I like to emphasize opportunities where you can talk to somebody and get to know them, absolutely not sit in a black, dark room where you're just bothage and things like there wasn't a lot of.

Dan: 29:17

I think that's just stuck around as almost just a lazy common expression for for ideas, for for going out and stuff like that. That's, yeah, that's something you do after you've been dating someone for years and you're actually you're not there to get to know the person, you're there to get to know the movie. That's why you're there. You're there for the movie, not the person.

Dan: 29:55

That's very true, right, yeah, yeah, think of things that you can do that are a little different and that can emphasize personal interaction and conversation and experiencing something new with the person, and not just said, if you've been talking to somebody online and you guys both like talking about a specific movie that's coming out, you're excited and you know you go back and forth and you both have a little bit of interest in the history or whatever then maybe go to that movie together and then you've got something to talk about afterwards too. Right, don't just all right end of the night kind of thing. All right, yeah, we did the movie. Now we're done. Yeah, the movie is a tool then to facilitate more of a connection afterwards perhaps right?

Charles: 30:39

yeah, certainly don't make the. Don't make the movie the centerpiece of the date. Be a gentleman, open doors, pull out her chair. I agree with all that. Be protective and confident, I agree with that too.

Charles: 30:50

And again, the the bottom line on all these is really you've got to approach interactions that you want to be successful that involve other people have to be approached from a place of abundance where you never treat any potential client, any potential employer, any potential partner oh boy, this is this might be my last chance of getting this still in the blank job relationship, client, whatever the stakes are so high.

Charles: 31:18

I've got to control every part and every aspect of this, otherwise I could be poor, I could be alone, I could be out of business, I could be bankrupt. It's you got to approach every interaction with hey, this is going to be an exciting new experience, no matter how it ultimately works out, and I'm going to have a good time because I'm a person that enjoys new people and new things. And if you don't have that, then sorry. You've got to do the inner work that it takes to get to that point, which takes a lot of time, often a lot of money, a lot of effort. But if you walk into interactions with people from a place of desperation, neither one of you are going to have fun, right?

Dan: 31:56

and it's not super complicated. It's more about in each interaction and I'm obviously working on this every day too is what can you bring? So it's like it'd be different, similar to like you're invited to a dinner party and and everybody's responsible for bringing a dish. Like, yeah, you show up without a dish and all you're doing is eating other people's food. What kind of impression are you going to be making?

Dan: 32:22

Similarly, on a date or even a job interview? Right, it's hey, how can you be a benefit, how can you help this person? And it doesn't have to be over the top, where you are basically a slave at their feet and allowing them to walk all over you either. Right, it's just a. You know what kind of value can I bring?

Dan: 32:44

And then be patient, and at some point it's a little bit of a fine art and a fine line to walk on to what you do want some reciprocity, where they start asking you some things too and you give them the time and space to, and you kind of just go back and forth and be careful not to start counting and saying, okay, I did this and you did that, whatever. And I've been guilty of that in my past as well. The more you practice figuring out how you can feel as good as possible so that you're able to give that energy and those thoughts whether that's from thoughts or physical actions or things that you're doing in advance all those things require energy. Ultimately, it's all physical energy, because even your physical health on a regular basis, so that you aren't dragging and you can actually give energy and I don't mean just taking caffeine pills and drinking lots of Red Bulls here either, because that's going a very important thing to think about.

Charles: 34:04

It's a lot easier than to think about other people, to give other things. If you're feeling good about yourself literally feeling good, physically about yourself Right lines, the best, the best way to introduce yourself to someone is hi, hello, how are you not something that you read in a book or on the internet. Don't make overt sexual innuendos. Yeah, bring in, bring in any kind of sexual jokes. That's a high risk, high reward thing where it's better off to wait until. And it's one of those things where the lady will give the green light or the red light, based on how your interactions are going. And if she's the one that breaks the seal on making a joke with a sexual innuendo, then you get one as well. You don't get a hundred, but you get one as well, and there should be a little bit of a back and forth on that.

Charles: 34:59

Don't dominate the conversation, interrupt her or only talk about yourself. There you go. Definitely you should ask questions, while this is. Don't not ask questions. That will help you get to know her and help her tell her story. So you want her to tell her story and so you should ask questions that make that easy, and if you don't do that, then you're going to have a worse time than you would otherwise. Don't think that spending a lot of money on the date is going to either help get you laid or help her think better of you. Yeah, spending a lot of money on a date is not a recipe for any kind of success, especially a first date. I guess it can appeal to women that their main interest is how much is this guy going to spend on me? But good luck having a relationship, a healthy, happy relationship, with a girl that prioritizes Listen there are websites for that right.

Dan: 35:52

So if you want to go and do that and that's the type of relationship you want, to have no judgment go ahead and do that, but just make sure that what you want is also what you're communicating, that you want, yes, right, and you're doing the thing.

Charles: 36:04

And you're avoiding those covert contracts.

Dan: 36:06

You're doing the things that will support building that end result.

Charles: 36:10

I've never been on a date with a woman where I felt like she was only on the date with me because she, you know, was going to get a free meal out of it. The women that I have dated absolutely value their time more than free food, where they're not going to say, okay, I will go be miserable for two hours just in exchange for a decent dinner and it's. I've not done anything on purpose to filter those women out. It's just I don't think they're interested. The kind of woman that is willing to say I don't like this guy, I'm not attracted to this guy, but I'll sit in front of him and listen to him, talk to me for two hours, just in in trade for a free meal. I, I have to assume women like that must be out there, but I've never interacted with them. Yeah, and I find a lot of guys are really scared that they're going to find a woman like that and I just don't think there's that many of them and it's very easy to not attract them.

Dan: 37:11

I agree. I think if you're being conscientious about communicating with somebody before you just go and meet them on a date which is when I was online dating that was I would absolutely try to get them on the phone first but have a couple of conversations, not just go right for a date. I think it'll be pretty obvious that what the woman is interested in Maybe not woman is interested in. Maybe not, maybe they're maybe. That's the move with some people where they pretend that they're interested and then they get on the date and they're a complete different person once they are starting to sit down at dinner. I haven't dealt with that either. I think it's a few and far between type of situation. I think people talk about it a lot because it is a little bit out there of an extreme situation, just like the news is always talking about. It doesn't happen very often. So it does happen and it is that because it's so extreme it's talked about and it's remembered because it's interesting.

Charles: 38:08

It's exciting.

Dan: 38:09

And all of the emotions are coming up, so it's easier to remember stuff when the emotions are coming up. Yeah, I don't think that's something to worry about.

Charles: 38:16

Yeah, yeah don't. Another don't is don't play in dates that are just really ordinary and cookie cutter and boring. So dates should still feel like you're investing the planning in the date because she's special to you and she's important, or even she has the potential to be special and important. That's even enough. Just yeah, the idea of you go to this one bar for happy hour every day after work. So you just tell her just meet me here, and it's very clear that this is just part of your routine and you're not really changing up anything or doing anything different. I I wouldn't be excited about that.

Dan: 38:58

I've heard that's pretty common these days. Is it really? There's no dates? It's just meet me for a drink at this place or whatever. Yeah, like it's not even a yeah, not even a formal date. And not even when I was years ago on on doing online dating, a lot of girls were like surprised that I would go and want to meet them for a dinner, like for our first date, and it's just that, what else?

Charles: 39:22

generally, I'll go to dinner as a first date, I feel like they're because, for me again, I don't want to invest that much time in somebody that I might not get along with and the money spend money on the dinner, okay. So, that being said, the idea of just I have a routine where I go to this bar or the money shop every day after work, so I'm going to be there anyway. Why don't you just drop in and we can have a date? That's what I'm saying no to.

Dan: 39:46

Yeah, I'm not doing a first date with unless I know I'm interested in them. After I've had a conversation with them on the phone I can hear their voice. I can get a little bit of a better sense versus just the online texting or messengers. Yeah, we talked about that before.

Charles: 40:00

Yeah, you and I have had a different approach to that, where I'm willing to go meet somebody for a coffee or a cocktail I mean, in my case, coffee After very little. If I like what their profile said enough to swipe on them, I'm willing to meet for a cup of coffee. Or they want to have a drink, then that's a very low bar for me. But yeah, tasks it and I don't like to. I haven't liked to engage in a lot of chit chat before that first date. If I I don't want to pour in time and effort texting someone or even having a voice conversation where I don't have access to body language and nonverbal communication, I get it. It's like let's work to the part where we meet for a drink and then go for a walk.

Dan: 40:44

Yeah.

Charles: 40:45

And then we can decide if we like each other enough to sit across, staring at each other across a dinner table for an hour and a half.

Dan: 40:52

So for me it's easier to do some texting and a phone call in between my tasks. It's easier to do some texting and a phone call in between my tasks, my other tasks, versus having to leave my house, drive somewhere, take time off of my schedule and everything else and meet them right, so that to me it just we just operate differently. So for me that's more of an investment of time to have to go meet them in person for coffee. I can get enough information as to if I am going to go. I want to make sure I'm as interested as possible, based on the little bit of time and effort that I'm putting in at home with the texting and the calls. And now I'm willing to take some time off. And usually dinner is the evening. It's, after all my other obligations during the day. Coffee can be tough at night. I'm sensitive to caffeine, so it keeps me up. So anyway, yeah, yeah, both ways.

Charles: 41:42

Both ways are valid and the other thing that I have noticed in when I was dating, where I would push for the hey, let's meet for coffee, let's meet for a drink instead of a bunch of rapport building online is there was a greater chance that day of she would cancel and not go through with the date. Okay, and every time that happened I was like, okay, good, yeah, now you know, now I know so whether if she showed up, we had a great date, that was fun. If she canceled, I never saw her again, that's that was fun too, because it's both of those are positive results as far as I see it, at least she's canceling and it's not a no-show, because that would.

Charles: 42:18

Yeah, that would On occasion as well, but that's fine too, because I'm going to. I'm going to a place for a coffee that I enjoy. That's a good point.

Dan: 42:28

Yeah, no good point.

Charles: 42:29

It's not like you're not getting any of it. I'll enjoy my Americano, Then I'll read the book, I'll play on my phone and I'll go home and okay, this is one more person in the large pool that I never have to consider as a potential match. You know, that still is a positive interaction. That taught me something. The final thing do not stare at her breasts while she is talking or scan the room checking out other girls while you're with her.

Dan: 42:50

I can't believe you needed to put that in there.

Charles: 42:51

but, okay, me too. Yeah, the easiest way to show someone I don't go on many dates and I don't know how to act on them is gawking at her body or looking at other girls, and so, yeah, it feels like I mean, you know, look, there's something to be said. For the reason that you're buying the man's guide to women is because you do feel a little overwhelmed. You don't know what you should do. Guess it's okay. Okay, good point in there.

Charles: 43:19

Yeah, because the guys and this is a problem that you run into with guys of all stripes and in all areas guys who have had limited success in an area, feel like, okay, I know all there is to know, there's nothing new to be taught, as the people that are reading this book may be people that feel like they're clueless or have had a really big relationship failure that they're looking to recover from. So I'm okay with it. Putting something like that in there, okay. But, yeah, it does feel self-evident that, yeah, if you, if you're a guy who stares at a girl's body while you're on your first date, you're sending the message of I'm a guy that doesn't have a lot of experience with girls' bodies or with girls who want me to experience their body, and so I'm just going to gawk at you and stare at you and show you that I don't know how to act.

Dan: 44:09

And I think that also goes and shows another warning signal to people, where it shows that you may not have control over yourself. Right, and if you don't have control over yourself in a situation that might be obvious to a lot of people, what's going to happen when you are tested in right ways, when it comes to drugs, alcohol, overeating, um, getting in a fight with some other guy, overreacting, just yeah, just not exhibiting awareness and control over yourself.

Charles: 44:42

Awareness is a big thing too. I understand what the social norms for this kind of situation are, how I'm expected to act, how I'm expected to behave and yeah, check out other girls or stare at your date's chest is not something that fits within those social norms, and it has so much other. It's okay. How likely is this guy to have a career where he's able to provide for himself and others? How likely is it that he's going to be able to give me his attention over a long period of time and not be distracted by other women? There's a lot that kind of action communicates and none of it's good.

Dan: 45:22

Yeah, you're showing risky behavior, so that's and that's. Now you're asking more of her. Instead of giving value, you are asking her to give you value based on you providing very little value up until this point, because she's just getting to know you too.

Charles: 45:36

Correct, exactly All right, so this was a good chapter. The next one that we're going to get into is part three. Romancing a woman making your move in the signs of seduction is chapter five, so that'll be what we cover next. Thank you, as always, dan. This is one of my favorite books that I've read since you and I started started doing this. I'm glad that we got around to finally yeah, get the target of one of our series. A lot of great info in this, absolutely, and we will pick it up next time. Thanks, bye-bye. Thank you so much for listening to the complete and whole episode, dan, and I really appreciate it. We know you have lots of choices when it comes to guys with microphones who have what they believe to be important things to say, and we are thrilled that you chose to listen to us. Please check out our website, mindfullymasculinecom again for audio episodes, video episodes and any news that we want to share. Thanks,