She's Not the Problem, but You're the Solution

In this first episode of our new series on The Masculine in Relationship by G.S. Youngblood, Charles and Dan dive into the foreword, preface, and opening chapters of the book that’s redefining modern masculinity.

They explore why real leadership in a relationship starts with grounded presence—not control—and how polarity, purpose, and emotional steadiness shape connection. This isn’t about blame or “fixing” your partner; it’s about showing up as a man who leads through clarity, direction, and self-awareness.

Listen as Charles and Dan unpack why Youngblood’s message challenges both modern culture and men’s comfort zones, setting the stage for a deeper understanding of purpose, power, and love in the episodes ahead.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Why This Book Matters
• 1:15 You Can't Change Your Partner--Only Yourself
• 6:25 Accountability and Real Masculine Growth
• 10:58 The Cultural Confusion Around Masculinity
• 16:30 Women, Work, and Shifting Relationship Dynamics
• 19:45 Competence, Calm, and Leadership in Practice
• 22:45 Polarity, Trust, and the Pilot Analogy
• 29:20 Bringing Presence Home After Work
• 33:30 Taking Initiative and Leading Without Control
• 44:10 Closing Reflections

Transcript

Charles (00:00)
Why you get some of this pushback on social media is because most men who feel a burden to talk about masculinity are incels and douchebags. Yeah. So when the only guys talking about masculinity are assholes, then the people responding to those guys are going to be responding to the worst version of the argument. Welcome to the mindfully masculine podcast. This is Charles.

Today Dan and I kick off our new series on The Masculine in Relationship by G.S. Youngblood, a book that challenges men to lead with clarity, purpose, and emotional strength in their relationships. The first part of the series covers the foreword, preface, and the first three chapters where Youngblood lays out his core challenge. Stop waiting for your partner to change and learn how to bring steadiness, direction, and safety through your own grounded presence.

We talk about what real masculine leadership looks like in practice, why polarity depends on direction rather than control, and how strength and empathy can coexist without canceling each other out. You can find all of our audio and video episodes, along with anything new we're creating and sharing, at mindfullymasculine.com. Thanks and enjoy. Good morning. Good morning, Dan. How are you? am good, thank you. We got a new book that we're going to read and review.

Dan (01:11)
am great. How are you?

Charles (01:17)
It's called The Masculine in Relationship by G.S. Youngblood. I did a little bit of research on which of our episodes are getting the most downloads and the most views and seems like people like it when we talk about dating, relationships and things like that more than when we talk about anything else. What else do we talk about? Crystals? Grooming?

Dan (01:40)
Yeah?

Charles (01:42)
getting good sleep, how to eat right is the relationship stuff. That's shit. Yeah. Much like the opening to this podcast, which most of which will get, get cut. Cause I just want to talk to you about this stuff, but yeah. So we're going to do another book on, relationships and how men show up or fail to show up to relationships. We, picked a, found a list of books that had audio versions available because you and I find that a lot.

It's a lot easier to prepare for a podcast when audible is one of the options we can use. 100 % for this one. got the ebook and I got the audio book as well. And that does make it a lot easier to have the two of them to go deep. So that's what we're going to address. The masculine in relationship. The fourth was written by Dr. Robert Glover of Dating Essentials for Men and No More Mr. Nice Guy fame.

And, talked about his own experience with the author of this book and his experience with some of the challenges in his relationship, his current relationship and no more Mr. Nice guy, ⁓ and dating essentials for men. ⁓ he talked about the challenges in his first and second marriage. He's on number three now. that, is that right? That's what I remember. And, ⁓ yeah. So he spoke about, ⁓

his challenges in his own books with his first relationships and in the forward of this book he's talking about some of the challenges with his current relationship.

It's mostly anxiety is what kind of he, he, he registered there. ⁓ his wife's anxiety and the anxiety that it triggered in himself and the way that he would react to it. And, ⁓ you know, I think one of the things I've liked so far about this book and we have not listened or read the whole thing yet, but we have gone into deep detail what we're about to talk about for this episode of the podcast. So.

My plan is to finish the whole book before our next episode and then revisit the chapters of the next episode. Cause that's what I'm most comfortable talking about a book that I've done that way where I've gone through the whole thing. I appreciate and understand everything in the context of the whole book and then go back to review the chapters that we're going to be talking about. So that's, that'll be the plan for the next episode that we record next week. But I like that, ⁓ this is, this is a man focused book and really

a you focused book to the reader. Meaning this isn't going to this book does it endeavor to give you tips and tricks to change the person in your life to become what you want them to be. So you'll have a better relationship. And that's good because any any book that tries to sell itself based on here's how you instigate the change you want in your partner is a load of crap.

Dan (04:40)
Yeah, I mean, we should all know by now you can't change anybody. Yeah. mean, even if they want to change, you can't change them. Right. Like that's, that's, that's the rub there too, is they still need to do all that work.

Charles (04:52)
Yes, all you can do, you know, and I've reviewed this. think we talked about it on a recent episode where, you know, the way that you change for the better is by creating a path where changing for the better is easier than staying the same and figuring out a way where, okay, how can I make the way that I currently am, which I don't like, uncomfortable? And how can I make the way that I want to be more comfortable? And then, you know, it's like...

Yeah, just, you just change the course of the river and then you just go with the flow. But you can't just, instead of just paddling against the flow, that feels, you know, in the short term, you might be able to do that, but you try to do that long enough and it becomes impossible. Or if you can change the course of the river to go where you want it to go, then yeah, it's as simple as going with the flow. And yeah, the idea of, you know, okay, I've got to work on my wife or my girlfriend to be more X or to act more Y.

That's ridiculous. What you do is you change yourself and the part that I'm hoping he hits later in the book, you got to do with consistency because doing it for a little while is not going to have any effect. In fact, doing it for a little while, things may get a little harder in your relationship in the short term. you, when you try to improve yourself and you try to take on some of the positive qualities that he talks about in this book at first, you may get some resistance to it from both yourself and your partner.

It takes sticking with it for a long time so that she believes that it's for real. Yeah. For her to say, there's, there's something new, there's a new dynamic going on here. And the easiest thing for me to do would be to adapt to it.

Dan (06:32)
Yeah. For me, I recently just realized the value and importance of the first step of all of this, which is really your mindset. And in terms of making it more difficult, that's got to come from your brain saying the consequences of me staying in this path is much worse. Thinking about all the things that could possibly happen that you don't want. You need to constantly remind yourself of the things that you don't want. And as well as the things that you do want in order to really stick through those

initial rough spots when you're trying to make that change, when you're actually trying to do something different. A lot of times when I wasn't able to stick with something, it's because I forgot why I was doing it, right? Or why I, what's going to happen if I don't do

Charles (07:16)
Yes, exactly. That's what I was about to respond to was this, it's very hard for us humans to calculate in our brains, okay, if I don't change anything about myself for the better, what does my life look like in 10 years? Like we, we're not good at doing that math because that kind of math was not essential to move us from the jungles to the savannas or from a hunter gatherer lifestyle to a farming agricultural lifestyle. Right. That none of that.

Dan (07:42)
That wasn't planned out yet.

Charles (07:45)
The ability to see, well, if I don't deal with my addictions or my childhood trauma or my attachment style, if I don't do those things, what does life look like for me in five or 10 years? That's a very new front part of the brain mindset to have. And so if you're not constantly disciplining yourself to think that way, it's just not gonna happen.

Dan (08:07)
And when life is running and

but you've got all these other things that you've got to take care of in the now. In the moment, the last thing you're thinking about is, you know, five years from now, what things are going to, might look like, right? And so for me, the more I've disciplined myself to remember those things and shove them in my face through an alarm on my phone, through Post-It notes, through, you know, putting it as a screen saver on the back of my phone, whatever that is, the more likely I am to go, yeah, that's

It's not like I'm, I, and that's the other thing too, is I'm not feeling that deep level of fear or that deep level of motivation as when I first thought of those things. So even that takes discipline to try to pause for a moment and really get in the moment and feel those things so that it makes a difference. And so when you see it again, you pause for a second and then change direction perhaps, or just you give yourself that space to become aware and make a different decision than you normally would.

That's really, that's how I use it. It's just basically little reminders of, remember, remember what's important kind of thing, you know? Yeah.

Charles (09:17)
Is there anything that you didn't like from the beginning of this book? Anything that kind of set you on edge or made you like, I wonder if this guy's gonna come at these issues the same way that we do or if we're gonna have to, you know, kind of bump up against some stuff that we don't necessarily like or agree with.

Dan (09:35)
I have to say no, I agree with him on everything I really liked when he said, regardless of who you think the problem is in your relationship. So he talks about most of this is going to be heterosexual man, woman type of relationships. But he said, no matter what, if you think it's your, you know, your partner, or if you think you've caused it, regardless of who started the problem, you're the solution. You're

actions are going to provide the solution to the problem itself. And that, that resonated with me, just another way of saying, control the controllables, which is, which is this yourself. And that's going to be, there's no guarantees, right? But that's going to give the other person the best chance of making the changes that you want.

Charles (10:19)
Yeah, one thing that I found that I kind of take away from my... my career that I can and should bring into my personal relationships is I have had difficult relationships with bosses that I've been able to fix by just changing the way that I choose to interact with them. Because in employer-employee relationship, I mean, you have way less power than you do with a wife or a girlfriend, so...

If you can make a relationship with a boss or a supervisor better by just changing your mindset and the way you behave toward them, then you can certainly, you know, make that kind of change with your friends, your kids, or your romantic partner. And yeah, so just by taking ownership of, okay, the positives and negatives in this relationship are neither 100 % my fault or 100 % their fault. But I am going to...

take control of what I'm contributing and make it as good for both of us as I possibly can, that is enough to transform any relationship that you're having difficulty with, including the one with your wife or girlfriend.

Dan (11:25)
Yeah, yeah, that's great. Was there anything in the first three chapters here that rubbed you the wrong way?

Charles (11:31)
Only most of it was from Glover, a little bit from G.S. Youngblood. It just feels like there's a lot of caveats and disclaimers that any, any author who's writing a book about masculinity has to say. And, and there's this idea that there's this whole cultural mindset of all masculinity is toxic and masculine power is a bad thing and yada, yada, yada. As we were talking about before we recorded, that exists.

on social media and that exists maybe a little bit in popular media like you know TV shows move but no woman that I know in real life has ever talked about men or masculinity in the way that these authors are trying to it's like it's like there's some big ultra feminist anti-men movement that they're trying to fight against and it's like it might it doesn't exist I mean yeah there are some loud voices on Twitter if think of any

topic or X now, and probably the same with threads and blue sky, depending on what the algorithm chooses to show you, but you can think of any topic or any issue affecting modern society, and there's going to be some person that is extreme and reactionary and crazy about that issue. And I feel like a lot of, if you're an author of a book about masculinity and you're constantly posting on social media about masculinity, then yes, you're going to be exposed.

to people who oppose your views in the most extreme, crazy way. But, man, I just don't think that those people really exist in real life. And as I've said on the podcast, I date women that are politically and socially liberal or leftist or progressive. And not a single one of them has ever said, I want the energy that men bring to the relationship to be gender neutral. And I don't want...

a man who acts like a man, and I don't wanna be a woman who acts like a woman. I want us to both be completely non-binary so that if someone were to read a transcript of our conversations, they'd have no idea who was the man or the woman. Or if someone was to watch a video of us having sex, no one would be able to tell who the man or woman was. No feminist, leftist, progressive woman who is heterosexual and likes relationships with men would ever act or speak in that way in the slightest in my experience.

And so I feel like we set up these, we, I feel like part of the problem is why you get some of this pushback on social media is because most men who feel a burden to talk about masculinity are incels and douchebags. So when the only guys talking about masculinity are assholes, then the people responding to those guys are going to be responding to the worst version of the argument, their version of masculinity.

Dan (14:11)
Yeah.

Yeah. I think, and I can't say for sure, but a lot of times when people are trying to sell something, one of the strategies is to identify a problem and then amplify it. And so in this, you're describing it, sounds like that's kind of what a lot of the authors in this, you know, Manosphere with the masculinity are doing. They're amplifying it to get more attention, to sell their, their, their products. Obviously not that they're

Charles (14:34)
Yes.

Dan (14:50)
solutions are bad or not appropriate, but I think that will help garner more attention and polarize people a little bit more and find a little bit more value in what they're offering. That being said, absolutely, you know, I...

Charles (15:07)
Yeah, it was what you're saying. And I would find that, I don't think this guy is doing it. I think he's saying a lot of the right things. It's just he feels like he has to comment on, no, it's okay for you to read a book about masculinity. You that doesn't make you a bad guy. Yeah, yeah. Again, I don't think society is really setting up that war that a lot of people believe in, but I think he's doing a good job. I would, one of the thoughts I had, and tell me what you think about this, I think...

Part of the reason that men are struggling in their relationships with women is because we live in a culture where on average, whether it's relationships, profession, financial health, women work harder than men do. And it's because they have to. It's because they've grown up in a culture where they've had... And just, you know, if you don't believe me, look at the stats on single women getting degrees, single women getting promotions, single women buying houses. They are...

beating single men in all of those big like life milestone demographics because they're working harder at it than we are and they're working harder at it than we are because they've been trained that they have to work harder than us. And now it says if you put in a bunch of extra work because things aren't equal, well, when things start to get pretty close to equal, like all that extra work you've been trained to put in is going to pay off and you're going to get ahead. And that's what we're seeing. We're seeing young women are ahead of their young male counterparts.

because they're working harder than men are. And, you know, good for them. And I don't think the way we solve the, you know, fill in the blank male crisis, whether that's loneliness or education or, you know, financial literacy or whatever it is, it's like the solution is not, we need to bring women back down to our level. No, it's we need to figure out what we need to figure out so that we can, you know, the rising tide can lift all boats, not just the pink ones.

Dan (16:58)
And I like, he alluded a little bit to that in these first three chapters where he said, it's not like we're trying to take away anything from the women's movement, from all the progress that they've made. It's more about making space for them to do that, right? Which is what's happening. But then also giving them that reprieve, that break from being in that masculine energy where they are constantly taking the lead and making decisions.

And what he says is that it's typically that's not their default state. It's more of a feminine state where they're used to being guided and led. And it's more exhausting for them to be in the masculine all the time. And it's difficult for them to then get back into the feminine if the man is not doing his job by being in his masculine and giving her a break from that, allowing her to relax because he's making some decisions.

He's taking the lead in some areas and I've noticed that in all my relationships as well when I was not doing those things, even little things like driving. just, here's a simple thing guys. Like if you're ever going somewhere with your woman, drive. Just give her that break so she can just relax in the passenger seat and play on her phone or talk to the kids or whatever that is, right?

I always, and I had a guy, a father of an ex actually mentioned that to me. And he's just like, I always drive my wife around. was like, I thought that was a little bit strange. was like, cause I shared it all the time. Needless to say that relationship didn't work out for me because I feel like I wasn't in my masculine enough. were other reasons, but ⁓ now, you know, I just try to really pay attention to what my girlfriend needs and what she asks for and where I can give her a break from.

working so hard. That's the other thing too is if like you said, they're working so much harder, that's going to add stress and everything else too. And also maybe a little bit resentment when they look back and go, Hey, why am I working my ass off here? You mother like you're not, you know, you're not pulling your weight kind of thing.

Charles (19:00)
Yeah,

I mean, yeah, in my, in my experience, both in my relationships and in the conversations that I have with women. Yeah, there, there is really nothing more attractive and comforting than being in a relationship with a grounded man who is willing to take the lead. Conversely, there is nothing scarier or unattractive than a man who is not confident and not competent.

but thinks he's entitled to take the lead anyway. Yeah. So if you, if you haven't done the own, if you haven't done the work necessary for your own inner confidence and inner competence, and you know, as Corey Wayne always says, masculinity is calm. If you're not a calm, grounded, confident, competent guy, but you're like, but just, you know, cause I've got the X, Y and the dick and balls, I still have a right to be the leader, even though I've done nothing to

Dan (19:31)
interest.

Charles (19:58)
work on and build those actual skills inside of myself, but I'm still going to be the leader. And when I don't get to be the leader, I'm going to throw a tantrum and I'm going to freak out. you know, I'm yeah, there's, there's nothing that will turn a woman off and away faster than a guy who is trying to lead badly. so, yeah, a lot of this has to do with, know, you can't, you can't show up in a relationship as confident and competent if you're not actually confident and competent. And the only way that happens is by.

doing the work yourself to get that way. You gotta put in the study, put in the reps, know, prove to yourself that you're somebody who can do hard things and you're worth doing hard things for because trying to fake it, you know, that can work for the first 90 days or maybe the first six months, but eventually she's going to be like, okay, this isn't the guy. This isn't actually the guy that, you know, was courting me and wooing me in the honeymoon period. He's somebody else. And now it's time for me to start planning my exit. And so.

Dan (20:53)
Yo.

Charles (20:55)
Yeah, there's no shortcuts to that either. You become that guy by working hard at being that guy.

Dan (21:00)
So what did you think about the... the section here, Derek's story, where he kind of goes the opposite. Where it's... he just kind of gives in to everything that his wife had asked him. Let's go with his own boundaries and just does whatever she tells him to do. And then he still sometimes gets it wrong and then she yells at him, berates him. It's offensive. So, yeah.

Charles (21:16)
Get along

And he gets defensive. And

she ends up cheating on him with a guy that is less successful, less attractive, which I, that, is the thing that, when, I, that's how he phrased it. Yeah. That's what I was going to get to when I, when I do decide to mix it up on, on Reddit or on, ⁓ on one of the apps where, know, these, these guys that are having unsatisfying, unfulfilling relationships with women or no relationships at all in most cases.

Dan (21:37)
porn is masculine.

Charles (21:56)
They always complain it's because I'm not tall enough, I'm not rich enough, I'm not handsome enough, I'm not smart enough and that's why women don't want me. And it's like, okay, but can you think of a case where a rich, handsome, smart, tall guy gets left? Because you know what guys, it happens all the time. Because those things are nice to haves, but they're not the essential of what women are looking for. Women are looking for how a man behaves and how...

that man's lets them feel. I won't say makes them feel, but lets them feel. And in that example from the book, it's like...

Dan (22:33)
They need

to trust that they can go back into their feminine. They need to trust that they can relax, take their hands off the reins. So that's exactly right. They need to be, they need to feel like, hey, it's safe for me to do that. Because you got this. I believe in you.

Charles (22:48)
Yeah, nobody's gonna take their hands off the wheel if they don't trust that somebody else, you know, can... I mean, imagine if you're a pilot and you've got a co-pilot and you're like, I don't really think this person knows how to fly a plane. You're not getting up and going to the bathroom. No. If you're sitting next to somebody who you're like, well, he's got all the proper emblems on his shirt, but I don't know if this guy actually knows how to fly a plane. You're not ever taking a break. You're white-knuckling that whole flight. And so, yeah, if your past behavior has not demonstrated that...

You can relax. can handle filling the blank. Unless you're not going to give over control in a situation where you're not confident that you're going to be safe doing it. And, you know, if you're a man in a relationship and you have not demonstrated to the woman in your life that, hey, if you give up the reins, then everything's still going to be okay. I can handle this. Then she's either going to give it up and be nervous and constantly waiting to...

You know, see you screw up and then have to deal with the impact of that. Or she's just going to say, I can never give up the reins. so as a result, you're going to miss out on a lot of that polarity that he talks about where, you know, in any, in only any relationship that's successful. Orion Teraband talks about that a lot in his book too. Two people in a relationship with each other have to have. They have to be bringing non-identical things of comparable value to the relationship.

Otherwise, why be in the relationship? And that's whether you're buying something from someone or you're trying to build a family with someone. You have to have comparable value to each other, but the things you bring have to be very different from each other in order for the key to fit in the lock. Otherwise, know, just two keys or two locks. You don't need two keys or two locks ever. You need one key and one lock to get the job done. So you have to be different from your partner in very important ways. Otherwise they.

they don't need or want you around. And in many cases, that means, you know, in a traditional male-female relationship, the man has to act like a man and the woman has to act like a woman.

Dan (24:55)
Yeah, and for me at least, that's not an easy thing to identify. At least at least not initially in a relationship what we each bring. It takes some time. think you really got to date someone for a while to really understand what their value is in terms of what they bring that might be different from you. And also, is that something that you want and need and vice versa? Right. Are you bringing something they want and need to that relationship as well? And that's

I think that's very difficult to assess until you spend some time with each other, because you can talk all you want, but are you actually behaving in the way that you think, you know, you can sell yourself all day long by your words, but until you're actually in it and you go through different experiences and different scenarios, do you really see how that person reacts and responds in that area? And that takes some time and that's also not something that

traditionally I'd been looking for in previous relationships. I'm a little bit more aware of it now and I, what's cool is I can recognize and appreciate it now when I see that in my girl, girlfriend, and when I, when I can do it, when I do it for myself, for the relationship, she often recognizes that in me as well. That makes me feel good. So that, that actually makes me feel closer and, and, and brings us closer together, I think.

Charles (26:10)
Let

me dig in with you a little bit more on that because I've noticed, I mean, you typically date women that I would say are more masculine than the women I date. I date women that are traditionally feminine with sort of their temperament and their mindset where you seem to, I mean, you attract women who are business owners and leaders and they have those kinds of vibes. so do you have trouble getting them to turn that off when it's time to...

you know, just be your girlfriend and not also be the the leader or the business owner or the fill in the blank. ⁓

Dan (26:47)
When I have been in my masculine and I have made them feel safe and like I'm taking the lead and I've got this not at all. It's very easy. They're actually craving it. They can't wait, but that's dependent on me and it wasn't until I've gotten older until I realized one it needed to be done to how to do it right and then three get good at doing it and doing it consistently when all those three things finally lined up for me. That's when I saw very quickly.

They were just like, thank God. I'm kind of getting a break here and right. can finally kind of relax. Yeah. ⁓ and you know, and for me, I, you know, when, when I see the woman, you know, taking the lead and, know, doing her thing, being her best self and not struggling, like enjoying it, you know, being like, that's really attractive to me. That's it shows me confidence. And that's to me, that's, that's like the most important thing. So I, yeah, I, I love that.

Charles (27:46)
Yeah, that's interesting.

It's not easy for me to sort of identify with how, you know, when women have to learn and develop the skills of, quote unquote, masculine leadership, 40 hours plus a week, I guess it would make sense that they would be anxious to turn that off when they can. Because, I mean, I think about it even in my own profession, like with my job, you know, I'm on a couple of fairly large upgrade projects right now. And as part of that,

I have to be very regimented where, you know, I'm basically following a checklist and being very consistent and documenting what I'm doing. And none of those things come natural for me. Like I recognize it's important. It's how, it's how I get this done. With the best product and product for my end result and product for my customer. But I'm more of a fly by the seat of my pants guy. I'm, when I'm at home building, you know, my own computer, my own lab, it's like, let me try this. Let me screw around a little bit. But when you're delivering something for a

a doctor's office or a, or a manufacturing company or something like that. was like, no, you have to do it exactly the same way every time. there's a reason that you can't. And it certainly does. It's not that I dislike it, but it does burn more. It's not your default, right? You use more CPU cycles. The clock runs a little bit higher. And at the end of the day, I think I'm a little bit more tired because of the way I've had to show up, have the.

Dan (29:16)
And like when we're tired, we get hangry, uh, you know, front part of our brain that controls our emotions and the things coming out of our mouth go haywire and it's not,

Charles (29:26)
And so to compensate for that, when the work day is over, I do kind of feel just like, ah, we would just blow off and eat us or anything, have some fun and just kind of, you know, be as undisciplined as I want to be. So I wonder, I wonder if, know, for professional women who have had to learn how to suppress their feminine tendencies to get by in the workforce, do they feel the same way, you know, when they get home, like, okay, let me just, let me just decompress and relax from having to

You know, play this role and it could be a role you enjoy. could be a role that you find value in, but it's still like a fight against the current a little bit when I'm, when I have to conduct myself this way at work. So now that I'm home, I just won't not be this anymore. So I would imagine having, having a guy that you can trust around to just take care of business, whether that's, you in the kitchen or the bedroom, it probably feels pretty good.

Dan (29:56)
Yeah.

Absolutely. And I mean, if you think about it, another way you can visualize this is if you have any employees that report to you or if you own a business and you've got someone who's like, you know, a manager or somebody who really, you can really trust with doing a task. Think of how it feels to give that person instructions or a task or whatever that is. You then, you can relax. Like you trust that person to get that stuff done, right?

And versus somebody you really don't trust. Now you feel like you got to kind of micromanage, you got to check up on them. How much more exhausting does that get for you? Um, you know, w in that type of situation. And I can see that being, you know, a similar type of a deal to same thing with, know, like raising kids too. It's just like, if you trust the kids are going to do something, it's a lot easier to, to, you know, to handle that than, you know, a kid who's not going to do what they say they're going to do or, you know, in any respect. So.

Charles (31:12)
just.

Yeah, and that's a good point. Not to equate a grown woman in your relationship with a child, however.

Dan (31:25)
No, it the other way around, where the woman can trust the man. The man is a child here in this scenario.

Charles (31:30)
Yeah. But I was going to say the one thing that anybody you're in a personal relationship with, whether that is your kid or your wife or your friend, they will believe what you show them consistently, not what you tell them. Yeah. So I think one of the impulses that I fall into, and maybe even some of our listeners fall into, is this idea of, or really anybody who's a bit of an addict to self-improvement and personal development, right?

you find a new book or a new coach or a new figure on the internet that is really speaking to you in a way that resonates and you immediately want to share that with the people around you and tell them about, you know, the big ways that I'm, you know, I heard, I've got this new insight, I read this new book and now I'm gonna be completely different when it comes to fill in the blank. And, you know, there's something to be said for sharing your goals with.

the people close to you for the accountability and the motivation. But there's also something to be said about build your good habits in private and let people see the results of it and not just hear about it when, because I, you know, I've made the mistake of reading books like No More Mr. Nice Guy and then talking about the changes that I was going to make as a result of it. And it's like, okay, that's fine. And look, the first time I read that book, some of those changes have stuck with me.

you know, 10 years later, but some of them have not. And so, yeah, what people want to see is consistent action. They don't want to hear about the new way that you're going to change.

Dan (33:04)
It's like crying wolf, it's getting a little bit holly, you know? ⁓

Charles (33:07)
And

yeah, even if you don't do it chronically, it's just, yeah, show people who you are through your actions. Don't, don't tell them about the new version of you that's coming down the pipe. You know, it's not helpful. So I would say, yeah, when, when you get into a book, a podcast or whatever, you know, see, see how well it sticks with you after a good long time before you start making any kind of declarations or pronouncements to people. Real change is easy to see.

Fake change is easy to talk about.

Dan (33:38)
Yeah, what's good is so far, just in the first three chapters here, he starts to talk a little bit about the masculine blueprint that he's going to

Charles (33:47)
Yeah, I noticed Teach Us About from the Table of Contents. That's the longest chapter in the book. Is that like, it's four or five or something like that, I think. We're getting to it soon.

Dan (33:55)
Yeah. So the little summary here, it's a three-part framework. So just like as a teaser here, first is respond versus reacting images. And you've already kind of talked about this, but here's, here's a little quick summary. Choose calm, intentional responses instead of emotional reactivity. Number two, provide structure, offer clarity, direction, and reduce uncertainty for your partner. And number three, create safety, make your partner feel physically, emotionally, and financially safe. So

That's interesting because that might go back to those guys who, know, in the, manuscript saying, I don't have the money to, attract a woman. Right.

Charles (34:33)
And as we know, that's not what he's talking about. Exactly.

Yeah. What, what he's talking about here, and I haven't gotten into that chapter yet, but I mean, I can, I can tell you either what he's talking about or what he should be talking about since I haven't heard it yet. But when he's talks about financial security, what this is about is managing the resources that you do have access to. It's not about having unlimited resources. It's about demonstrating that. Okay. You know, when it comes to.

I live in a way and I spend in a way and I earn in a way that, you know, I'm not constantly in a, in a crisis mode because I can't say no to myself to the things I want, or I can't say no to myself when it comes to, you know, having fun instead of spending a little bit more time, you know, preparing for the promotion that I want to get next. mean, it's stuff like that. It's, it's not about I'm a rich guy. got tons of money. It's more like I've gotten accurate.

and reasonable view of what I'm making, what I'm spending, what my goals are for the future, and the potential to do better tomorrow than I am today.

Dan (35:35)
Yeah, it's just being thoughtful, right? think, I think with a lot of this, the physical, emotional and financial safety, it's, it's not reacting to your first emotion or feeling about, you know, buying something or your reaction to her or to a situation that's like heated. It's you're putting in a little effort and thinking about things before you're, you're making a decision and before you're, you're reacting.

Charles (36:01)
Yeah, behaving with intentionality is huge because...

Dan (36:06)
Not easy. We recognize that we're not saying it is.

Charles (36:09)
It's not easy, yeah, ⁓ look, because most of us come out of, we, are adults that are dealing with, you know, whatever we came out of childhood with for, for good or for bad. And so if, if you have not developed the ability to function on anything except your basic programming, then a lot of times the people close to you are going to see you behaving like a child in a lot of situations where it's very important that you behave like an adult.

And so again, that's not like we talked about last week or the week before. It's like to have weaknesses from your childhood where you didn't learn things that you had to learn. doesn't have to be my stepdad put out cigarettes on me. It could be just very normal stuff of, your parents were just dealing with life and trying to get by just like you are. And as a result, there's going to be some stuff that they needed to give you or teach you that fell through the cracks. And now, you know, it's.

not your job to blame them or be angry at them, but it is your job to figure out where the holes in your game are and plug them. Yeah. because they, can't do it for you anymore. You know, they, they lost their, their opportunity to do it for you. So now you have to do it yourself and, ⁓ yeah, that's, if you don't, then yeah, you're just going to be running off the lizard brain and there's going to be a lot of important things that happen to you in your life and in your relationship where the lizard brain is just not up for it. You gotta, you gotta deal with the chimpanzee brain closer to the front.

Or the human brain, Lord willing, right? So yeah, this, I'm looking forward to doing this book. We're not, we're not going to go just one episode per chapter. We're kind of grouping the chapters together in a way that makes logical sense. So I think this is going to be around a six episode series. Yeah. One, one thing I did hear in the next episode when I was listening to the beginning of chapter four, uh, then I wanted to get your take on and we'll, can go into it in more detail if necessary in the next episode. he talked about how when his wife is preparing dinner, he doesn't know anything about.

He doesn't know his way around the kitchen, so he'll go to his wife and say, what can I do to help? And tell me what to do. Tell me what to do. I don't like that. Here's why I would say when it comes to an interaction like that, level zero is just sit on the couch, watch TV and let her cook for you. Level one is tell me what to do to help. Level two is, well, I'm not in a

Dan (38:16)
or tell me what

Charles (38:36)
I'm not a total idiot when it comes to preparing food. I know that to prepare food, there's prep work that needs to be done. There's cooking that needs to be done. There's cleaning that needs to be done. And I am going to step in with a specific suggestion for how I think I can help you. And if that's not the help you need by all means, propose I do something else. But one of the things that I've learned gets on women's nerves is when a guy comes in and just says, tell me what I can do to help as opposed to.

no, I'm a guy who understands what it takes to prepare a meal. The guy would, I'm a guy who understands what it takes to get the kids ready for school. I'm a guy who understands what it takes to get the family ready for vacation. And I know where I can step in and help without being told how to step in and help. Yeah. So I would, I would argue that a higher level is understanding what it takes to make your household run and then volunteer to do something specific that you know, needs doing to help your partner out. Yeah. Again.

Asking, you know, tell me what to do is better than nothing for sure. But I think a level higher than that is I understand what it takes to run this house. I'm half of this house. I'm half of the leadership council for this house. So I know what it takes to do these things. I'm going to offer to do something. And hopefully, you know, she's somebody who could say, I appreciate that, but I actually already took care of that. What I could really use your help on is X, Y, Z instead. I think that's the best possible scenario.

Dan (39:59)
So here's a little caveat I want to throw at you. I think that when he was giving us that scenario, he mentioned that the scenario was his wife or the woman was basically like an expert at preparing meals or cooking, right? And he really was not.

Charles (40:18)
But why is she the expert Dan because of, because of expert, because of experience and expertise, right?

Dan (40:25)
they

got there right. Yeah, I'm not saying it should have gotten to that level or whatever it is, but in that scenario where, know, a guy's, and I think he's speaking to most of the readers for this book where they're coming from a place where they typically haven't been taking the lead and they haven't been looking to figure out where they can help out around the house and the things that they're not usually good at. So I think, yeah, I think it's good to, like you said,

That's next level is first level is absolutely like, Hey, how can I help? So part of it is you might be coming from a place where you're feeling really intimidated. Like if you try to do something or you suggest something might annoy, it might annoy her, or it might, you might be feeling like you're getting in the way. And I've been there for sure. So it's just like, it's very difficult to even just like kind of come up with a suggestion. If she's making like a complex dish or whatever it is, just like, I don't even know goes in this dish or what you want to do. And especially if, if.

she likes things a certain way, or if somebody's doing something in a certain way, I know I come from the position where I don't want to do something that would, you know, just cause them to have to redo something or that they're not going to want. Um, but that being said, it doesn't give you the, the, the out to not pay attention to what she's doing at the time. And so for next time, you can go, you can go, okay, I see, you know, you need a lot of onions in this. All right. I'll start dicing the onions for you kind of thing or.

I can dice the onions, let me know if that's something that you want me to do. And that being said, I like your suggestion because it also takes less work for her if you're making the suggestion.

Charles (42:04)
Exactly. don't want to be in the project manager in the car. Right.

Dan (42:07)
So

it's a minor little thing, but it is in the end, less effort for her when you're presenting options versus her having to do what she's doing and then direct you and then come up with options and then also kind of balance. Okay. Well, I trust them to do this, but I don't really trust them to do that. Like, okay, you can cut the onions, but you know, I don't want you, know, making poached eggs, whatever it is, right? You know,

Charles (42:30)
Yeah,

no, I get that. just, immediately go to the image of, you know, the, the sitcom husband dad who knows how to do nothing. And it's like, I mean, I would feel a little ashamed. And I think most people should, I mean, maybe, okay, shame might not be the right word, embarrassed or inadequate. You know, you see your wife cleaning the bathroom and you walk in and you're like,

I'd like to help you with this, but I have no clue what goes into cleaning the bathroom because I've never done it. So tell me what to do. Right. That's either be the guy who knows how to, knows what the components are involved in cleaning the bathroom. And yeah, I just, yeah, I don't like the idea of a guy setting himself up as, know, a complete, I'm a complete incompetent. you, you tell me how to do this. A very basic task that any grown adult who's ever lived on their own should absolutely know how to do. so part of it is.

have some interest. you don't ever cook for yourself, develop a base level of what it takes to prepare a meal and offer to do that for her. You be like, okay, you can take the night off from cooking. I'm going to make the meal. And even if it's not that good, she's going to be real happy that you try.

Dan (43:36)
yeah, sure.

Charles (43:39)
Fill in the blank. If you never clean the bathroom, if you never do the laundry, you know, give her a break. Yeah. Watch a YouTube video, ask Chad GPT how to do the thing and then do the thing and then ask her for advice on, know, Hey, I feel like I didn't quite hit it right on this. How would I do? But you know, come from the position of an eager learner instead of, know, I don't know how to do any of this crap. So just tell me how. that's yeah, that's the right thing to cut it. Yeah.

got my intent up a little bit when he's the, you I don't know how to do anything in the kitchen, so just tell me what to do. It's like...

Dan (44:10)
think it's a good first step, but don't stop there, right?

Charles (44:12)
It's better than nothing. But even yeah, but a better first step is do a little bit of background research so that you know a little bit about what's in the way.

Dan (44:25)
Yeah, just be a couple of things. Just say, hey, you know, I can help you with this, this and that, you know.

Charles (44:30)
And I honestly, I think that's more masculine and more confident. ⁓ So much of this comes down to curiosity and just give it a damn. And if you look like somebody who's curious and somebody who gives a damn to the point where, yeah, you're willing to watch a two and a half minute YouTube video on how to dice tomatoes.

Dan (44:33)
It shows more effort. It shows more...

I'll do two minutes, I don't know about two and a half.

Charles (44:51)
It's very very little. Alright, that's enough for today. Again, the name of the book is The Masculine in Relationship by G.S. Youngblood. If you want to get a copy and follow along with us, it's available in all the places you get books, including Audible. do that. Or if you want to wait till we're done and we can give you a full review and a score, then do that before you decide to get in on your own. Thanks very much, Dale. Talk to you next time. Bye bye. That wraps up this episode of the Mindfully Masculine podcast.

We hope this conversation gave you some new perspective on what it really means to bring purpose, presence, and direction into your relationships. If you know someone who might connect with or benefit from this discussion, share it with them. It's one of the best ways to support the show and keep these conversations growing. Thank you for listening to this entire episode and for being part of this community. We appreciate it and we'll see you next time.